My oddities

[Sherzade]

Hi Calla,

I don't know you, but i know from experience that sometimes we feel so worthless that we start believing that others feel the same about us. It's not easy to believe and especially is not easy to trust but as Aschwatrz said in his post:

“I am not aware of anyone not warming to you or not liking you. In fact, this comes as a surprise to me.”

There is something that happens when we need reassurance from others. Because we may need lots of reassurance we may put lots of pressure on others. Although they don't think or feel us as worthless they may end up moving away because they don't have the means to meet our needs. This is only fair even if you and/me/others still need that unconditional care and love, even if you and/me/others feel that we can't survive without that external reassurance. The reality is that there were things that we didn't have and/or internalize as infants and children and there is something crucial missing in us.

I hope. Sometimes i despair, true, but i am stubborn and i hope. I hope for me. I hope for others. I hope for you. Mainly, i hope that you give yourself some credit and let people know more of you. I hope you feel worthy enough to tell everyone that you feel like self harming so people can reach you, instead of posting saying something irrelevant to your state of mind.

A secret: i became a member because i wanted to help men with preoccupations with small penis. I never asked for help for myself. I also don't like bothering people, i feel like i am too much. I am used to give a lot and find it receiving difficult. I posted the other day out of frustration. Guess what? I also felt that “no one” was interested in me as it took some days until i got a reply and then “only” 2 people replied. I felt embarassed because i felt that NO ONE cared :-) You see, in reality this was not true. Can you see why?

[Calla]

I do understand what you are saying. And to be honest when i first vented on this post I was venting against myself and how unlikeable I am deep down. Even though I don't understand it. It was never a personal attack on any person except myself. But then I did actually get attack.....some sort of "self fufilling prophesy" there I'm sure.

But in my real life I NEVER tell anyone about my problems. No one knows anything. So they don't like me for other reasons. In fact I am always known as the "funny one" but not funny enough for people to want to spend too much time with me!

I do appreciate you have felt the same. But you obviously have a much stronger personality that you felt you could see it for what it is. I feel I wanted to belong here but there is a strong "behind the scenes" community which for some reason, despite being here for a while I couldn't become part of. Like the black sheep of the family or something.

And I did try to help others and sorry I didn't see your post

[IrmaJean]

I feel I wanted to belong here but there is a strong "behind the scenes" community which for some reason, despite being here for a while I couldn't become part of. Like the black sheep of the family or something.

Hi Calla. Have you ever felt this way at any other time in your life? Ever feel like you didn't belong? Sometimes when things happen to us that hurt deeply we remember those feelings and it seems as if things are repeating themselves...but the tape that's playing over and over again in our minds...and the deeper hurt...comes from old painful feelings. I can catch myself doing this now, but it still hurts when it does. I'm sorry that you've felt this way. Of course you belong here. I hope you feel better, Calla.

[Calla]

I've felt it everyday. From school onwards. And it has happened again here. Like people say "just because you're paranoid doesn't mean people aren't talking about you"

Thats how I feel. Just because I feel worthless doesn't mean it;s all in my head. People here have still rejected me to a certain extent. You are all friends and moderators etc. I am just the annoying fly that is yet to be swatted.

[IrmaJean]

You know, Calla, I never had any friends in school either. In fact, I never had a good friend (aside from my H) until just a few years ago (I'm 41). I'm new at making friends. I know it can be scary. I was always the last one picked for teams in gym, had no boyfriends throughout school, was teased fairly mercilessly, boys used to bark at me...At any rate, I know how painful it can be on the outside looking in. But you know what? We're all flawed human beings out there doing our best. I could probably write a book about my flaws...but I've learned to accept most of them. Still get aggravated by the rest...To tell you the truth I still get pangs of feeling left out, like I have to make an effort to be accepted. I'm still working on myself some. But really you can be accepted...just the way you are. What do you think?

[Calla]

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[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry your father says these things to you.

Maybe you could start by validating yourself? Treat yourself very gently and stop attaching negative labels to yourself. Doing this reinforces bad feelings that you have about yourself. Calla deserves kindness, gentleness and respect. Often you'll find that what you project (feeling good about yourself) will invite you to receive the same from others.

What do you like about yourself?

[Calla]

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[Calla]

Sorry that was just another stupid rambling. I'm just trying to work out myself where I am coming from. I think that has a bit to do with it. Although most normal people would just move on from it.

[IrmaJean]

That sounds very difficult, Calla. I can see how it might cause many conflicting emotions. Have you ever had the chance to have your anger around this heard?

Constant criticism can beat you down. Is there any chance you might be able to create some space between yourself and your dad?

I love your new avatar, btw. Very pretty. I need a new one soon myself.

I'm going to go for a while now, Calla, but I hope we can talk again soon. Have a good night.

[Calla]

Thank you. I love flowers. Flowers and animals are the only things that bring joy to this life for me. Callas are beautiful (a misnomer in my case)

[Barbara A]

Test post.

Sorry, Calla, your issues just hit too close to home for me to reply.

[IrmaJean]

What kind of animals do you like, Calla? I'm an animal lover too.

[Calla]

Thank you Barbara for saying that. There is a strength to be found in just not being alone.

IrmaJean, I love dogs with a passion. But most animals really. I find the aloofness of cats sometimes a bit much.....I think that stems from wanting unconditional love maybe(!) but I also feel an affinity for it. I live in a small flat so I can only keep fish. But they are actually quite a lot of fun! They play together. What animals do you like? Do you have any pets?

[IrmaJean]

I love dogs as well, but am partial to kitties. But I really do love all creatures. Right now we have a few fish and 2 hamsters, Cookie and Raisin. Animals are pretty special. I can remember during my lonely times as a child that I could always count on having a warm furry body nearby to keep me company. They love you always and no matter what. My daughter has been trying to talk me into a getting a dog. We'll see. I think pugs are kind of cute.

Barbara, we would love to hear your thoughts and feelings if you feel comfortable sharing them.

[danni]

Calla,

I have a Russian Blue cat who's about 3 now. He is far from aloof and never has been. The breed is described as a "cat lovers cat". Everyday when I get home I can hear his pitter patter coming down the stairs and he comes and jumps in my arms and purrs. He's a true velcro kitty so likes to be on my lap or carried at all times. He's always giving kisses. He successfully taught me to fetch. If I don't get the hint to play with him he will go and find another toy to bring to me. It's kind of funny at night....i usually ignore him when he's trying to get attention so I usually wake up with him and about 12 of his toys I would like to have a dog too but don't have the time. I do have a horse though who I swear thinks he's a dog....does that count???

I agree....animals can be so therapeutic.

[IrmaJean]

Is that your baby, danni? What a cutie! I had a cat for 16 years, but have been unable to bring myself to get another. I fall hopelessly in love with them and then worry about them like I do my children. And I seem to have a way of picking out difficult and challenging pets.

[danni]

Yes that's my baby boy. His name is Azizi (swahili for "precious") I understand pets being family. When danni (the horse I had for 20+ years and my user name) died I was absolutely crushed. I still get teary sometimes. I have her stall plate hanging by a picture of us in my room. I also have a special box with a lock of her mane that I still just hold from time to time. It was really hard for me when it reached the point when it didn't smell like her anymore. Wow....I just started to cry telling you about this. I guess I haven't had the opportunity to talk about the sadness of losing her.

I didn't get my current horse until almost 10 years later. My friend decided mourning was over and it was time to get another one. She was right and I love beau and am having a great time with him but he's not danni

[IrmaJean]

I think there are moments in our lives and people (or animals) that we share those moments with and losing them defines a shift in time. Sometimes coming to this realization can be quite painful, but it is also beautiful as well, I like to think. They are memories that you hold and that ache of emptiness is a reminder that you are living life and loving as you make your way along the path. I think that anytime we love, we grow and this helps us to evolve and deepen and understand ourselves a little bit better. So your danni was a gift and one that you keep with you always.

[Calla]

Awwww that really is a cute looking cat. See even that is enough to make me well up....I do not know what is wrong with me! I feel terribly envious of people who have beautiful pets. I've never wanted children and it's my version of being broody I guess. But I wish it wouldn't make me cry.

And people can never understand the loss of a pet until they have been through it. The most I have ever cried is when our old dog died when I was 20. But like you say the memories stay. And if someone had said would I rather have never known him and not experienced the sadness and loss, of course I would choose the 15yrs we had with him. Thats a well used saying but it's true.

Sorry I think I've gone off the "personality issue" topic!

[danni]

Calla... don't feel bad about welling up. I also have that incredibly soft spot for animals. It means you have a warm heart and I think it's a very positive thing!!