What's He Going to Do?

[tobeistohope]

My therapist also lets me send emails, but he rarely answers them. Instead it is just a way for me to be heard in between sessions. It's nice that you answer yours.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Tobe,

Although I am now retired from psychotherapy practice, I always encouraged patients to call me if they were in crisis or need.

Have you spoken to your therapist about this? Perhaps you need to discuss your feelings of doubt? Many of the people I worked with called in a crisis but struggled with feelings that they were intruding on my privacy. These led to discussions of how they feel in life, now, and how they felt as children. Many of them reported that they were made to feel or they believed that they were a "burden" on their parents.

Allan:)

[tobeistohope]

Ahh, well maybe that makes a little sense then. My mom sent me away to live with my dad when I was 13 becasue she adopted a baby and thought she would have a better chance at her marriage with this new baby and my stepfather.

[IrmaJean]

This is one of the valuable aspects of exploring one's behaviors and feelings within the relationship. A lot of behaviors carry deeper meaning and taking a look at one's responses and feelings may bring to light the reasons behind them. This then can be worked through with your therapist so hopefully this pattern of response no longer happens in your outside the room relationships.

[tobeistohope]

That makes a lot of sense, Irmajean, but, I'm kind of afraid to go anywhere that has to do with him because I'm afraid that he will think it is interfering with the therapy and I'll be history.

[IrmaJean]

Have you discussed this very concern with him?

[tobeistohope]

No, I haven't, I'm just too scared to bring it up. I may be able to do it in an email. I see him Monday again and we are supposed to regroup because this crisis with my son's dad has kind of gotten us off track. I guess I'll think about maybe discussing it with him eventually.:confused:

[Guest ASchwartz]

Tobe,

In my opinion, you should discuss the issue with your therapist in the next session. The reason is that its the predominant concern of your's right now. You feel as though you are a "bother" or an intruder, or, are not wanted.

Allan:(

[LaLa]

I agree with IJ and Allan. I think the main thing that is preventing you from telling him is your way of understanding of this one sentence he once told you about transference. So I see a "compromise" - as I've already mentioned here: Don't speak about "transference", tell him about your feelings. Tell him that you fear to "become closer" to him (I mean emotionally), because you expect that he would leave you. You can also mention - if you feel it makes sense - your association about being abandoned by your mother. Everything that comes to your mind is important. Even when you feel "I should not tell him this" - it's also an important information. So again: Don't care about "transference". Don't try to guess "what is too much transference". It's not this way how the transference can be useful. "Working with transference" in therapy doesn't imply using the word. It just means uncovering relations between your present feelings in the relationship and your past experiences.

By the way; I had a wonderful session today! It was the 1st time after about a month or two (when I used to feel "emotionsless" and felt a need to have my emotions back) when I was absolutely full of emotions all the time. I was in a good mood and ... once I even started to weep and laught at the same time - I felt so very happy; so happy to be there, be relaxed and be able to feel "something strong"! And it was also useful; not only "a funny chat". And the last days, I've understood so many new things about my relationship to him. It was almost wonderful, too. I was mainly trying to understand (not surprisingly: according to my therapist, this is one of the main, if not the really main, issues!) why I'm "unable to accept when he says something positive about me". Well, I'm not "unable to do it" - I can be pleased by what he said, but only a posteriori - not when I'm with him. So... I wrote many hypotheses about the reasons and finally, I "got" one which made me cry, so... I was thinking "that's probably it!" It is about my feeling, very deeply hiden, that "if I show him I'm pleased that he likes my letters and my way of writing, then he will laught at me that I'm so naive and stupid that I think that what he told me is true." And I realized: This is transference! I know he's got no reasons to lie to me and to laught at me, but something in me, which is there because of some past, old experiences, prevents me from believing him, even though I know I can belive him. So probably I felt so good today with him because I've realized this all. (And what I've written here is only a fragment from a 14-pages letter!)

I wish you your next session will be very useful, too!

[tobeistohope]

I know you all are probably right but, I just don't have the guts to do it right now.

[LaLa]

You don't have to do it right now . Just wait for the moment when you will feel you would like to do it. As you don't want to do it now, it probably means that you have more acute issues to discuss and some other needs to be fulfiled. (As, maybe, among others, to enjoy your new positive feeling about being in therapy )

[tobeistohope]

Well, my son took up all of the time in therapy today, which I am happy that he did, for his sake. He never talks to the therapist, so I am hoping that he is getting more comfortable there. Next time we plan on talking about my dad. He is going away again next week, so it will be 16 days before our next appt. I'm soooo hoping it is a good 16 days!

[LaLa]

Hmmm... I've always wondered how the sessions of your son look like, when he doesn't talk. Silence? Monologue of the therapist? But today, I'm even more confused: How could he take much time when he didn't talk? Or did he; for the 1st time?

I hope it is a good 16 days, too!!! Good luck!

L.

[tobeistohope]

The therapist said that my son did talk to him, not anything about his feelings, but at least he talked to him. Since last night I have been feeling anxiety about the therapist leaving. I feel so stupid for feeling this way and I emailed him and told him. I feel like some kind of separation anxiety or something. I wish I didhn't feel this way. I wonder if he will think it's kind of stupid too? Oh well, I was thinking if I at least shared it in an email, I might feel better, but, not yet.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Tobe,

It is very common for people to feel separation anxiety and loss when their therapist goes on vacation. What concerns me is that you very quickly judge yourself to be "stupid" and feel embassed about your feelings. What you feel are normal human emotions. You really need to accept yourself a lot better. Your therapist will not judge you stupid or silly for your feelings.

Allan

[tobeistohope]

Why is it normal, Mr. Schwartz? It feels like someone really important or close to me is leaving me forever! Is this transference in the fact that it kind of feels the same as someone I loved very much like a parent abandoning me? But, why should it feel like that. I know he is only a professional, kind of like a Dr. But, I don't care if my doctor goes on vacation.

[malign]

It's "normal" because most people in therapy feel it, at some point in time: a stronger separation anxiety than they feel for other people. It's part of the natural bond between client and therapist. I've felt it myself.

Did a parent abandon you? That definitely might make the feeling stronger, and that is a part of the transference pattern.

Why does it happen? I'm not sure there's an answer to that, specifically. Not one I'm qualified to give, anyway. But it makes sense that it's different from a medical doctor, because you don't pour your heart out to your medical doctor, usually. Well, unless they're a cardiologist. ;-)

[tobeistohope]

Yes, my mother sent me away to live with my dad when I was 12 because I was in the way of her new marriage and they adopted a baby and she said without me in the picture she would have a better chance at her new marriage. Also, I was thinking the therapist is not the only person this separation anxiety has ever happened with. I remember in the last 10 yrs or so, whenever our pastor would go out of town for any reason, I got the same empty, sick, anxious, fearful feelings. I really hate being like this! It's such a terrible feeling, being clingy like this.

[LaLa]

Oh, no... I'm sorry to hear you feel so angry about yourself! Because of such a reason!

Firstly, these questions came to my mind: Would you say to your close friend that she's stupid, silly, ... (and I don't know what else more) if she told you she's anxious when you leave for some time, she's afraid that something bad happens and you will not come back? And will you call us stupid and silly (I wouldn't feel offended, don't worry! Just tell me the truth, please!) when we tell you we have very similar feelings in the same or similar situations with our therapists?

As Malign said, a psychotherapist is incomparable with any other physician. I'm sure you feel the difference very intensively . Just accept is as a fact, don't blame yourself that it's only your "stupid transference"!

I can give you a bit different example of mine: I suppose my therapist is a smoker (I'm not sure as he doesn't smoke during sessions, of course, but...). And I feel sorry about it (as I'm very much against smoking)! (Not "angry", but wondering (how can he...?) and anxious, because I care about his health.) And once, I was listening to a lecture (not "about smoking", but...) and the lecturer said something about the horrible impact of smoking on human health and in that moment I got something almost like an "anxiety attack" (it was not dramatic, only unpleasant) - I felt a quite strong fear that my therapist would get cancer or "something similarly fatal"... You could say: Why should I care? It's his health, I can't unlearn him smoking, ... But I don't blame myself for this fear, I recognize there my "love" (it is a kind of love, even though not the one when I'm "in love" in the sence that the expression is usualy used) and my concerns which are its logical consequences. And yes; I can then use all these emotions and thoughts to learn more about myself, about the reasons why I react "so strongly" in this kind of situations.

One of the things I've learned from my therapist, Malign (and perhaps also few others here), and my friend who I've quoted in this thread, is that in therapy, we shouldn't have aims like "get rid of this stupid kind of emotion" or so. We firstly have to understand and accept the emotion and then ... there is a big chance that it will disappear or get attenuated. So when you struggle so much against your emotions, ... it probably means you're are still in the "first phase" of therapy. The one when we are mostly angry and desperate because of the way we feel and act. It's a necessary period, so now, please, don't start to be angry that "you're here" ! What I'm trying to do is to show you the direction towards the 2nd period. It's not that now you have to "jump right in it". We all have our own ways, with our particular windings .

Hope it helps a bit .

L.

[IrmaJean]

I agree with LaLa, TBONTB. Every response and feeling is informative and tells some part of your story. Actually even your response now to what you've been feeling may say something. You're learning about yourself through this and learning is a positive thing. I hope you will be gentle and accepting of yourself through these emotions. Try thinking about what it means and how you can use that information to help make positive changes in your life now. Your therapist will help you. Good luck and I hope you find serenity with this.

[tobeistohope]

Thank you for all of the help here! No, I would not think it stupid if one of my close friends (if I had any) was anxious about me leaving. I might find it a bit strange, though. I guess it makes me feel kind of like a stalker or something. But, I am realizing that all of this probably stems from all of the people who have walked out of my life from an early age. My question is, how do I stop feeling this way. If this happens every time someone goes on vacation or my pastor goes to a conference, it's going to continue to make life extra hard. Maybe I could try to look at it as something that is normal for someone in therapy, but something that I need to work on there so that these feelings will someday subside. :confused:

[Guest ASchwartz]

Tobe,

The way to stop yourself from suffering every time someone important to you goes on vacation is to learn and use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques. In our self help section there are many such methods that are described. Also, you can find work books and manuals in the book stores and libraries that describe similar approaches.

For example, remind yourself, over and over, that your therapist is returning.

It would help for you to learn and use relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, yoga, meditation, etc. also described in our self help section.

Allan

[LaLa]

Tobe (yes, this is a nice nick! ),

I've always wanted to ask (but have always forgotten...); what kind of therapy is yours? CBT or other?

L.

[tobeistohope]

Thank you, ASchwartz, I will check that stuff out. Lala, I am guessing the kind of therapy I am in is talk therapy, more specifically I think it is person centered therapy.

And, good news! My therapist called while I was in class and left a message telling me that he completely understands my feelings that he is not going to be here for the time he is on vacation, and that it is normal because I have opened up a lot and trusted him a lot, and that if I need to i can always call him while he is gone. As I have said before, I probably won't call him unless some horrible crisis happened, but I feel so much better just knowing that he accepts the fact that I am feeling this way.

[LaLa]

I'm happy to hear it! And I hope you will not need to call him, of course...

My therapist will have vacations one month (half of august and half of september)... So... I feel for you even "thanks to" my own upcoming experience...

I'm sorry I didn't answer your question about how to stop feeling so bad about the vacation, but... Dr. Schwartz has done it already, so... But... I think the basis of it is that you talk to yourself, repeate the explication why you feel like this and why there is no other reason for it than your experiences from childhood. But this is only my opinion: I hope you'll find some good techinques on the website!

Good luck!