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! Well things are difficult

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Last night was hell.

I have been very positive about what I am reading about treatments.

That said my wife is having a progressively difficult time dealing with this.

After reading some highlights from the articles she kind of broke down.

She started crying and wondering why I am like this... It is hard to explain.

I told her that before now I was never able to accept the term you know the P-word grrr. I hate this word it is the bane of my existence. The hardest moment came when she asked "so I married a pedophile... by definition?" and of course being honest with her I said yes but I could never face the term.

How could I? How could I admit to anyone, even myself that I had this problem?

Well yesturday was tough but today is a new day.

We talked and worked out some issues.

I am posting this because I know I am not the only one, Calling special doc on Monday to get a refferal.

I hope that telling my story might help someone who is going threw this.


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It struck me, when I read your wife's question "So I married a pedophile...by definition?" :

I’ve always considered the word “pedophile’ to apply to behaviour and not to inclination. It describes what you like, but not what you do. Doesn’t “-philia” mean ‘to like, to be drawn towards’?

If I feel enduringly murderous at some group of people (let’s say, for argument’s sake, pedophiles) and I think about this whenever I see them and have this desire arise in me, does this make me a murderer? If someone has a fantasy or desire about raping women, but does not do it, because he knows full well, it’s very wrong and he would never want to harm anyone else this way, he is horrified that he has this desire, does that mean he’s a rapist? .

(I know ‘pedophile’ carries a stronger social stigma, but I picked ‘murderer’ and ‘rapist’ because they’re repulsive too.)

If ‘murderous’ and ’a desire to rape’ are not the same as ‘murderer’ or ‘rapist’, if it isn’t carried out, then does ‘pedophilia’ really equate to ‘sexual offender’, if it isn’t carried out? Certainly, I would be horrified and feel ashamed if I had a desire to rape women, it’s not the kind of thing I would like to find in myself – but deep down, I’d know I wasn’t a rapist. I am very repulsed by pedophiles, but I have not been repulsed by you.

It may sound like mere semantics, but I feel the distinction is important, even if only for you and significant others. Language informs thought and sometimes our language is, or becomes, distorted. Most people wouldn’t see the difference, and they’d give you the label and repel you, because the word has come to mean ‘a sexual offender’. (But then in my experience, most people don’t see why mentally ill people don’t just pull themselves together!:)) But it is the definition that is faulty, isn't it?

You aren’t a sexual offender, period. In your heart you know this, but you've accepted the popular definition of the word to apply to you. In the final analysis your wife married someone with this inclination, but she didn't marry a man who "is a pedophile by definition". She married a man who would not carry this out because it would violate his own moral code, he can exercise self-control, he has a reliable perception of right and wrong, he is Honourable. He even seeks out help because of what he finds in himself. Shift your thinking and then isn't this true of you?

Would it make you and your wife feel any different if you looked at it this way?

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If you google there is a list of paraphilias, including the two you mentioned

Erotophonophilia - Murder

Biastophilia - Arousal based on the rape of an unconsenting person

The Def. of "p"

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 4th edition Text Revision (DSM-IV-TR) outlines specific criteria for use in the diagnosis of this disorder. These include the presence of sexually arousing fantasies, behaviors or urges that involve some kind of sexual activity with a prepubescent child (often aged 13 or younger) for six months or more, and that the subject has acted on these urges or suffers from distress as a result of having these feelings. The criteria also indicate that the subject should be 16 or older and that child or children they fantasize about are at least five years younger than them, though ongoing sexual relationships between a 12-13 year old and a late adolescent are advised to be excluded. A diagnosis is further specified by the sex of the children the person is attracted to, if the impulses or acts are limited to incest, and if the attraction is "exclusive" or "nonexclusive".[3]

I am not really sure what you mean


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Yes, I see. Of course you gents have researched this far more than I. Guess my understanding of the meaning/definition of the word is wrong.

Still, is there not some kind of distinction between the inclination and the behaviour? Even if not in the public eye, at least in the smaller circle? I suppose I was trying to give you a more optimistic way of looking at it. We feel what we feel, but it's what we do with the feelings, our behaviour, that counts.

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