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So much to think about


Melanie
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My head at the moment seems full to bursting so many things going round in it, so I suppose it is better to try and start at the beginning.

I married, I suppose, young at 21 some 25 years ago. By the time I was 28 I had had both my children now grown up and beautiful I am very proud of both of them.

My husband, some 12 years older than me, spent many years travelling with his work and so I did most if not all of the bringing up. I never complained about this, my children were a delight and still are. My oldest daughter though always veered towards her father knowing he would be a lot softer than me and would always say yes! My younger daughter spent a lot of time with me growing up and we are very close, but I wouldn't say closer than my eldest daughter and me. They though are not the problem. They have grown up into well adjusted beautiful young people and I cherish them both greatly. My problem is my relationship and how I feel at the moment.

I accepted my husband travelling a lot and working, that was what gave us our lifestyle, lovely homes cars and money etc, but none of this I asked for. I didn't push for any of that for him to work harder. We had lovely times when the girls were small, but I felt I was never treated as a wife always a mother. I look back over the past 25 years and find it sad that in all that time my husband and I never really had time together. The odd thing here and there for a night but nothing more. My daughters have not needed babysitters for some years so there have been opportunities where we could have gone away and left them in charge as it was. I never really pushed though for this and the reason being most times we would go anywhere, alone or with friends, my husband would always drink too much. In the early days he was a heavy drinker, whereas I have never drunk. After some years of "asking" if we could go somewhere I gave up thinking if he could not think about doing anything together then perhaps he didn't want to and besides I wasn't going to beg. A lot of my marriage, when I look back has been a very lonely place. I have had friends and hobbies and my children, but its not the same as sharing with your husband. In his own way he has always done his best for all of us, but never singled me out as his "wife" (if you know what I mean). The intimate side of our relationship fizzled out years ago, probably about 12. I got to the point that I could not sleep with a snoring body next to me and because his hours were long with early starts he would sleep either in another room, or just fall asleep in the lounge with his drink. For many many years this didnt bother me. I didn't think about the sex side of things. My husband went from being a good looking man to a very over weight man eating the wrong things at the wrong time, and drinking (although he would give up at times and then resume only to catch up on the time he had stopped). My feelings of loving this man disappeared although this took many years for me to realise.

In the past 5 years we have had substantial financial problems which resulted in us having to sell our home and land and moving. I didn't mind the move, moving to a part of the country I wanted to be. All this packing up etc I did as my husband was working.

Some three years ago my husband filed for bankruptcy, and although he started the process I ended up dealing with it and sorting through everything. With the business side of things I have dealt with all of that, financial advisors, banks etc. The debts that were in joint names, that could not form part of his bankruptcy, have become my debts, and that is who people will go after, me. I have had a long running with one financial institution, again I have had to deal with. Although my husband will get involved when around I feel this is all for me to deal with. I am not a lawyer nor an accountant and sometimes when I am left dealing with things I wonder how I get the results I do, but I am a strong person with a strong personality, although friends often say to me they wonder how I stay so chirpy! Financially things improved for a while, but I see things coming back again and it is like wading through treacle, I can't do this all again I don't have the strength.

Something happened at the beginning of this year, something I would never have dreamt of, something I never thought I would be capable of doing... i met someone. I didn't go out looking for anyone/thing i was minding my own business. I got talking to this man (I love talking and friends often laugh that I will talk to anyone!) and he gave me his number. I walked back to my car on a high. I didn't know this person other than standing in a street talking for half an hour or so, yet he made such an impression on me. I couldn't stop thinking about him. After a month of having his number I called him and met him soon after. My heart was pounding leaving the house to meet him, talk about pushing yourself past your comfort zone. That first night we got on well. We walked down a road hand in hand, something I used to look at other couples doing and envy them, and here was I doing that same thing. I felt happy, very happy. This has continued for the past 5 months. This person has bought a light into my life, has made me happy, has made me think about things I never thought about, and allowed me to be myself. It hasn't been all plain sailing, although he is widowed (for some years now) he has other issues and all of them pretty awful. They have made him distrustful of others and he has built a wall around him. He says he is hard and that is how others who dont know him probably see him. But to me he is a lovely person who has a heart and is kind and caring. The shock after a few months of seeing him, that I loved him was immense.

We both know we have to be careful and as he is trying to find somewhere to live (he is staying with a friend at the moment) so we spend time away from the town I live.

As I said before I am a strong person I always have been. I have strong opinions and views although I dont thrust them down peoples throats I will always answer a question if I am asked. What I find so confusing now is why I feel so weak. This man has times when he wants to be alone, needs time to think and his own space. That is fine but he doesnt tell me so will go quiet for a day or two, no texts or phone calls. I find myself feeling absolutely desperate that I cant reach him or speak to him. The feelings I have stun me. He is like an addiction to me I think about him all the time, I want to be with him. He has said he love me, in fact said that to me before I ever said anything to him and I know he does.

I knew a long time ago that I would not end my life being with my husband but never imagined I would be or want to be with anyone else. I thought if anything I would be on my own, which would not bother me. This person in my life has had many things happen to him over the years and is, as he says, sometime quite fractured. He talks to me about things he wouldn't talk to anyone else about, he tells me things no one would know, he has let me into his "inner" circle. I feel happy that he trusts me enough to tell me these things and I know I am special to him, as he is to me. I love him dearly in a way I never loved my husband. I never stopped to think how people changed over their adult lives, but looking back I can see they do. I am not the person I was at 21.

I feel I have done my best with my children, that I did the best "job" I could have done and have been there for them 100%. My feelings for my husband are distant which I find quite sad, but in all the time I have been seeing this man I have never, and still don't, have any feelings of guilt. Should I? When I am with this person I feel whole, I am happy I think of nothing other than what we are doing or talking about. I always thought if I ever did anything like this (as some of my friends have done in the past) I would have immense feelings of guilt, but there is none.

Having always done things myself, being left for long periods alone to deal with children, animals, running of the house etc, I have become very independent. Other than brining in the money to live, I did everything else in the home.

I know my husband is not happy, not happy with the financial problems, and not happy with me. I have spent so many years backing him and being there for him and now with his depression etc as usual when I look for help and support there is no one there for me. I don't tell the person I am seeing much of what goes on here. He knows I am not happy but I don't think he needs to know everything about my home life.

I have spent so many years just plodding along and not really thinking much about "me" I am always the one here for everyone else, all their problems etc and always the solid dependable one, but I can't do that anymore. Financially it is not possible for the home to be sold and split there is nothing in it, so things there can not change. I suppose I just want to be happy and content. My life in some ways mirrors my mothers, and that fills me with dread, that in another 25 years I could be in same position.

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Guest GingerSnap

I can identify with a lot of your feelings although I would never want another relationship if this ended as this is the second marriage and I'm not going for the third strike in any way, shape of form. What I see is that after years of going without any attention and really not minding because you were so busy with life, now you find yourself older and wanting a relationship that has warmth - something you are comfortable growing older with. I think this is why a lot of long married couples end up ending their marriages. This guy has paid attention to you and made you feel like a "girl" again with something to look forward to. I am just guessing at this so if I am wrong, well, my crystal ball could need polishing. Something similar happened to me during the end of the first marriage and I ended up going from the kettle to the frying pan! Just take a deep breath and try to find someone to talk to face to face about this that you can trust. I want stability going into those golden years. Think about what you need most of all and dress it up with the wants. It is hard to be neglected for years in a relationship.

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