Dating with depression

[Calla]

Hmmm, just typed this once, not sure what happened so here goes again...a shorter version.

I have been single for 6years which to me is a very long time and I am lonely. But I don't think it's fair to date how I am. Which means a life of loneliness which is making me wonder even more what the point of being alive is, especially as I have few friends.

I met a man recently who I have been chatting to at my gym and I got the impression he may have liked me a bit. But then one day I had been crying and I think it showed in my eyes and then the next day I was having one of my "greta garbo" moments and avoided him (I always go to the gym no matter how I feel to try and help pep me up) anyway I haven't seen him since. So I think I scared him off. But I think I don't blame him and he had a lucky escape. And even though I like him I can't help feeling relieved.

And I think anyone who would settle for me must have something wrong with them and it puts me off them! So I am stuck in a vicious cycle.

And I think I have adopted alcohol as a surrogate partner. It is my only friend type of thing. It helps numb the isolation I feel. And I am struggling to get through evenings without it.

I'm just not sure what to do. How can I ever date someone how I am and not feel guilty about it. We could have some lovely days/weeks and then I will just suddenly need to be alone. I'm so lonely

[IrmaJean]

We're all human, Calla, and we all have flaws...even the man you might be dating. Maybe if you learn to love yourself first, you will have a clearer picture of all that you have to offer to others. What do you think?

[Calla]

I know what you mean. But I can't see what I have to offer anyone except a life of misery and never knowing where they stand. I know people shouldn't need other people to validate them but it's been so long since anyone has loved/liked me that I can't love myself. It just proves there is nothing to love....sometimes you can't help but be swayed by popular opinion I guess.

I just think if I dated someone it would be a terribly selfish thing to do because....well just because it's me I guess.

[IrmaJean]

What traits do you have that you like? I know, for me, I like that I'm caring. So your allowing me to be caring with you helps me to feel good about myself. See what you're doing for me, Calla? Giving and receiving can be interesting that way. In giving, I receive and when receiving I also give to another. I try to practice shining a light on my strengths and working on the areas I'm not as strong in...such as assertiveness. Learning to love yourself starts with treating yourself very gently and respectfully. I also believe that treating others with kindness helps us to learn how to treat ourselves.

[Calla]

I don't really have anything that I like. No one wants to spend time with me so it's clear there isn't anything...or just the bad points outweigh the good.

I would be caring and loyal but I'm not given the chance. And I never talk to anyone about how I feel, so it's not like I go on about things all the time. I just try to be chatty and fun.

But I still can't get over it being unfair to a man. Even if I found some good traits. Who wants to be with someone who's has such violent mood swings or bursts into tears after anything intimate!! It's not really attractive is it? I panicked about this man because I kept obsessing about what I would do if he (or anyone) ever asked me out. I'd have to say no.

[Calla]

I feel so sad about this tonight. I'm not even sure it's like my normal depression because it feels different. I just feel so sad. I saw the man I was talking about talking to another woman and all those familiar feelings of anger and jealousy came up...even though I hardly know him! It was these obsessive feelings that have destroyed every relationship I've ever had. And being single for so long I thought "maybe I wouldn't be like that again" but this just proves I am like that and am not capable of having a normal functioning relationship. And I felt sad and humiliated for ever thinking someone could be interested in me. But at the same time I thought "good for him, talking to someone normal looking and happy looking"

It just makes me so sad to know this is it now forever.

[IrmaJean]

I would be caring and loyal. I just try to be chatty and fun.

Caring, loyal, chatty and fun. Sounds like a great place to start, Calla. Maybe try embracing some of your positive qualities.

[Calla]

So why does no one want to spend anytime with me....that is of course a rhetorical question because no one here can know. In my car tonight those suicide visuals flashed up again. I think I am maybe just weak not depressed. I cannot handle the slightest thing.

[Calla]

But thank you for your help by the way

[Calla]

Sorry I am running on tonight, I'm am trying to concentrate on things other than myself. But I am prone to obsessive thoughts and this just happens to be it tonight

But how am I supposed to explain to some why I don't have any friends as well? You know when you meet someone, date a bit, move on a step and meet each others friends. How do you say....."errr actually I don't have any because of various reasons" or do I just say "yes I am a bit mentally unstable, I have scared off all my friends and will eventually scare you off too"

Although I don't know why I worry because I would always turn down anyone who was mad enough to date me.

And I don't want to be too graphic but obviously I miss the physical side of things. And I know someone who is always willing to offer the physical side but no more (friends with benefits etc) Now I know this sounds a really bad idea...however I can't have a normal relationship and I miss that side. Maybe that side would make me a bit more relaxed? Take my mind of all the mental problems I have if I actually gave in to those impulses?

Am I making any sense again?