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nathan
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Every day and night--especially at night, I always feel like a need more of something. Like I don't live enough during the day, so when night comes around and it's normally time to go to sleep, I can't. Sometimes I go lift weights and 2 in the morning. Sometimes I drink till I pass out. Sometimes I do something crazy that I should not. It helps though.

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Nathan,

What is it that you start to yearn for? Do you have any ideas?

Drinking will only make your depression feel worse. Its not a good way to handle things. Have you thought about psychotherapy?

Allan:)

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I can relate to that. I used to sleep quite well but the last few weeks have been difficult. Like I don't use up the energy during the day as I have no life. So I drink too much to sleep, even though I know it's not "good" sleep. To sleep real well I have to cut out all stimulants including sugar and I find it hard to live like that.

Any idea what more you would like in life? Do you exercise during the day much. I don't work much so I try to exercise to at least use up some energy. Sorry thats probably not much help.

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I feel guilty, frustrated, sometimes angry, about nothing in particular... Sometimes I'm just lonely or thinking too much. Sometimes I try to stop myself from binging right before I'm about to grab a bottle... I end up pacing back and forth and tensing up for long periods of time. When I get into this state, things can get bad. Once, I basically got beat up by 6 cops and spend three months in jail becuase of my attitude in this state. Never hurt anyone. I recieved my first "attitude readjustment seminar," unfortunetly it didn't change anything, but it is a nice euphemism.

I yearn for something stimulating that can release these feelings. I suppose depression keeps me from finding things to release these feelings in a healthy way. A vicious circle forms, and I am forced to direct these feelings inward onto myself or bing them away.

Calla, I don't know what I want more of in life, but I, like you say you do, need more of it. Recently I have been working out a lot, which helps, but only to a limited extent.

Edited by nathan
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Yeah exercise is not an overall answer. Helps me but only so much.

I feel the same I have no "outlet". I always say that if I knew what I wanted to do I would make steps to make it happen but it's just finding that thing. Boredom is a form of stress really. And I find the ironic thing is probably the more intelligent you are the worse that is.

I'm not helping find any answers but just to let you know someone understands. All those feelings you describe I can relate to.

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Nathan and Calla,

Nathan: I am guessing that the first thing you need to do is get help with your drinking. You mention bingeing and that is dangerous to your health. I am sorry to hear that the cops beat you up. That must have been awful for you but it sounds like you might have been out of control because of the amount of alcohol you drank? What about getting help for your drinking?

Calla: I agree. Boredom is probably more a curse of the intelligent. The reason? The need for stimulation.

However, I also believe that boredom is something we inflict upon ourselves. It can be a form of self punishment and, therefore, an outgrowth of depression. There are many things we can do but, don't believe we deserve doing. We make a thousand excuses for not doing something we want to do.

What do you think?

Allan:)

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I wasn't drunk when the cops beat me up..I wish I was though.

Alchohol is the easiest and fastest way to rid myself of the tension of thoughts and crap in my head, but I often abstain from using it, which makes me feel worse... sometimes I work out instead and that helps. It's probably just a loneliness/ extreme boredom thing.

Having said that, my drinking is excessive, and it would be good to find some healthier alternative.

Calla, I'm sorry you go through similar feelings, but it is comforting to know that you do aswell.... I am ambivalent here.

Edited by nathan
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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Nathan,

I am concerned about how awful you feel. Are you seeing a psychotherapist and have you thought about medication? As I suggested before, the alcohol is an attempt at self medication but it does not work.

Why did you get beat up by the cops?

Allan:)

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No, I'm not in therapy, I don't want to pay for it.

Why was I arrested? Well, long story short, I was in one of these that state of mind that I am talking about here...and I ran into rookie short tempered cops...I provoked them, not physically.

Honestly, the whole physical struggle that ensued I enjoyed. I felt alive, it got me out of that mind state. Sounds sick huh?

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No it doesn't sounds sick. I can actually understand that believe it or not. Although I've never done anything about it I have a lot of very visual fantasies about being beaten up. A lot of the talk on here has been about me wanting to be punished in someway, normally self inflicted apart from these daydreams. I don't know if its a similar thing but it's getting to the bottom of why.

I feel a sense of release with these fantasies...as if someone else has taken over and is beating out the evil in my brain. I don't know any answers again...just relating!

Of course I am not actually advocating any sort of violence, just trying to explain.

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hmm. I dont have self inflicting fantasies of pain necessarily. And I'm not sure I enjoyed the beating because I felt I deserved it in any way. But it is hard to say.

I think I felt alive becuase I felt so unstoppable, and invincible. Like nothing they could do could hurt me. I remember being punched and just laughing at the officers for having punched me and seeing his face and reaction. I was so in my head thinking so much, that I had distanted myself from "reality" in a way. It was like that differentiation (me not reallly beingthere) that made me feel unstoppable (like, how can you hurt me if I'm not even there.)

Why did it feel so good to feel unstoppable? Maybe that is the question to ask. Maybe I feel constrained or vulnerable to something normally, and the escape from that then feels so good. Is that maybe an anxiety thing? Is anxiety causing a feeling of being constrained?

Do you have problems with anxiety Calla?

Edited by nathan
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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Nathan,

It is not anxiety itself that is the problem. Anxiety is really a good thing. It is designed to warn us of danger so we can get out of the way. Its just that too much of a good thing stops being good. That happens when we feel lots of anxiety for no clear reason or if the felt danger is in reaction to something that is not really dangerous, like with phobias or just general anxiety.

Have you tried exercise, meditation, yoga, etc. to reduce your anxiety?

Allan :(

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I tend to have social anxiety, but it seems to come in spurts... I also just feel guilty/ anxious about nothing in particular and at random, especially when I find myself alone (which is almost always). Perhaps it is subconscious thoughts that have made me anxious in the past?

I do work out a lot becuase it does make me feel good. I guess I do meditate in my own way by putting perspective on my anxiety which also helps. But it returns almost as soon as a stop meditating....

When ever I am interacting with a someone my mind almost instantly starts to think/ worry about the interaction. At the same time that it does this, I basically have to accept the fact that I am anxious (and thus continue worring about the interaction) but do so in a way as to not allow my anxiousness to become transparent. If it becomes transparent, the interaction with the person dies instantly becuase he/she sees that I am anxious and becomes unconfortable talking to me.

Though, it is amazing to see the difference it makes with people when I allow my anxiousness to becoem transparent vs. when I keep it more insidious. It seems like I can actually see the person for who he/she really is when I keep it insidious. But If they percieve my anxiousness, they start to "hide" themsleves, or perhaps I'm too caught up in my anxiousness to see them, but I don't think it is that, its more like they shy away if they see that I am anxious.

Edited by nathan
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Hi Nathan and Calla. I can relate a lot to what both of you have said. Calla, I too feel sometimes I just want someone to hit me and not stop. I'm not sure why really. Maybe because I think i deserve it? Or maybe because I would be hoping it would put an end to me and so finally i'll know some peace. Sometimes I wish I were stupid because being intelligent is a pain; you want too much, you expect too much, nothing can actually assuage the longing you feel and you don't even know what you are longing for, you just know you feel this ache inside for something. I feel so alone sometimes which is funny really. I live in an apartment with eight other people and yet I feel so lonely, inside.

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I live with my brother and his family. My brother and I haven't spoken for years. Years ago, when we did speak, we usually ended up arguing which could sometimes get physical so I stopped talking to him completely. Any communication with him before would be through his daughter or his wife. Now there is zero communication. Before I had to ask his permission before I went out or did anything at all. But it's been a long time since i've done that. I gave up caring what my family thinks of me a long time ago and he doesn't care.

I love my three nieces. My eldest niece has shared a room with me since she was four. She's now 21. My brother would twist my love for her and use it to punish me. It hurt so much at the time. I also have two nephews that I do love but not as I love my nieces. I know this is wrong but I can't help how I feel. I feel the most love for those I sympathise and even feel sorry for, and I guess that's my nieces since they are girls and will be women in this country, and I can only let myself love children unconditionally I guess.

I don't really know what I long for IrmaJean I just know there is this huge ache inside for something.

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