katleen Posted June 8, 2010 Report Share Posted June 8, 2010 Hi Everyone,Sorry I'm everywhere, stuff happening with me I don't know if PTSD or Bipolar.My housemate said something hurtful yesterday, and I went off, Went into my leaving mode, got my last $144.00 and went shopping. Tent sleeping, bag, rain poncho. and applied for shelter. I really was "going homeless". May still. Have wanted my own place now for awhile. At sixteen, I left home barefoot from Montana, and landed in Portland until too ill with pneumonia, and my Dad came and got me. I'd left because of my Mom's illnes and unpredictable anger. Am sure my house mate might be feeling that about me, although I don't think my anger is unjustified, or even that unpredictable.He wrote that I find the most negative thing in everything. Wow. I just have been obsessing about how to get pain relief and back to work through my insurance. He has told me I create all the issues. I disagree. He gets really mad now when I ask his opinion then want to talk about it. Am sure my response to his advice sucks, he has some good suggestions, but also a way of writing off everything I've said. I am activisty, he's go with the flow. On a more serious note, some of our issues are way up there in the conflict zone. Have serious life style conflicts, and even what we want and expect from a relationship is different. I'm bummed. And I can't stay out of his stash. He offers it. Or i ask, but it's not good for me and I know it, But short term pain relief, be it pain, or depression, rules, Have had cognitive dissonanxce over this for years, and keep coming back to the same place, I wrote my sister yesterday, this morning she calls all judgemental and can understand all the elements of anxiety, depression, but just not self destructive behavior, She just doesn't know about me. And what do I want in a perfect world? I almost hate her at times. Her behavor often seems crazy to me, but I don't distance and judge her. God that hurts. She wished me well.At this point, staying is as self destructive as going. At least alone, my opinions of myself are all I need deal with. Am supposed to abstain for 72 hours, If I could do that, I wouldn't feel the need to leave so strongly, would I? Have always gone from here to there suddenly, it seems, when things are breaking down, it's always been the only way I knew to do it. Am very instant gratification. Was yesterday bipolar, PtSD, or rational. Not rational, since I've no money left. Do I do that on purpose?Have been up, first time with energy in a long while, I see my PCP tomorrow, but his would only be a guess ventured. Am on 200 seroquel and 200 desipramine. Have medicaid, but not mental health services. Don't know what to do, Do people have repeated bipolar episodes that look like this? It honestly feels PTSD, just long hours after I trigger trying to get safe.So, where to go from here? I may have to follow through. Is that okay?Guess it'll have to be.Feed back appreciated,loves and hugskatleen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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