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Hi Everyone,

Sorry I'm everywhere, stuff happening with me I don't know if PTSD or Bipolar.

My housemate said something hurtful yesterday, and I went off, Went into my leaving mode, got my last $144.00 and went shopping. Tent sleeping, bag, rain poncho. and applied for shelter. I really was "going homeless". May still. Have wanted my own place now for awhile. At sixteen, I left home barefoot from Montana, and landed in Portland until too ill with pneumonia, and my Dad came and got me. I'd left because of my Mom's illnes and unpredictable anger. Am sure my house mate might be feeling that about me, although I don't think my anger is unjustified, or even that unpredictable.

He wrote that I find the most negative thing in everything. Wow. I just have been obsessing about how to get pain relief and back to work through my insurance. He has told me I create all the issues. I disagree. He gets really mad now when I ask his opinion then want to talk about it. Am sure my response to his advice sucks, he has some good suggestions, but also a way of writing off everything I've said. I am activisty, he's go with the flow.

On a more serious note, some of our issues are way up there in the conflict zone. Have serious life style conflicts, and even what we want and expect from a relationship is different. I'm bummed. And I can't stay out of his stash. He offers it. Or i ask, but it's not good for me and I know it, But short term pain relief, be it pain, or depression, rules, Have had cognitive dissonanxce over this for years, and keep coming back to the same place, I wrote my sister yesterday, this morning she calls all judgemental and can understand all the elements of anxiety, depression, but just not self destructive behavior, She just doesn't know about me. And what do I want in a perfect world? I almost hate her at times. Her behavor often seems crazy to me, but I don't distance and judge her. God that hurts. She wished me well.

At this point, staying is as self destructive as going. At least alone, my opinions of myself are all I need deal with. Am supposed to abstain for 72 hours, If I could do that, I wouldn't feel the need to leave so strongly, would I?

Have always gone from here to there suddenly, it seems, when things are breaking down, it's always been the only way I knew to do it. Am very instant gratification.

Was yesterday bipolar, PtSD, or rational. Not rational, since I've no money left. Do I do that on purpose?

Have been up, first time with energy in a long while, I see my PCP tomorrow, but his would only be a guess ventured. Am on 200 seroquel and 200 desipramine. Have medicaid, but not mental health services. Don't know what to do, Do people have repeated bipolar episodes that look like this? It honestly feels PTSD, just long hours after I trigger trying to get safe.

So, where to go from here? I may have to follow through. Is that okay?

Guess it'll have to be.

Feed back appreciated,

loves and hugs


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I've been kinda MIA for awhile, no particular reason but that I am feeling a little all over the place myself. Just yesterday AM coveting being in position of having the freedom of just caring for self (how that works when you have spouse and 4 kids IDK...;)But damn if it didn't just sound EASIER?!) So sorry if I don't have some heartfelt genius advise to offer, still figuring it out here myself, just a listening ear and a somewhat common experience. Hope that's okay!


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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Katleen,

You say that you get into your father's "stash." Am I right to assume that you are talking about drugs, marijuana, or something like that?

Katleen, if you are using drugs its important that you stop because you are on powerful medications and drugs can wipe out the good effects of the medication.

Also, with Medicaid, you can get psychotherapy. Have you looked into a community mental health center? It seems to me that, in addition to the medication, you need to talk to a therapist.

Wow, your family is not very kind or understanding towards you. That must be terrible for you.


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Dear Allan

Thanks for responding. I wrote back yesterday, but it was a book and not for the forum.

My house mate, friend, is actually quite good to me. Have been here ten years and have come trough much with him. Just as with everyone here, those w/o experience tell me try harder, and I reacted. Also received a very scathing reply to a letter I sent my sister, as she is still grieving her sons suicide, I prob shouldn't have written in the first place. I thought I used 'i feel' statements, but oh well.

Am still smoking pot, but only a few puffs a day. vs a lot, at times. Am just having trouble as it does give me a break from obsessive type thinking, and eases my mood. Have COPD, and that reality lately, as well as wanting to return to work. Pain is a big issue right now, though, have cervical degeneration and a SLAP injury and other issues in my shoulder, two years trying to get an unblurry MRI and second opinion, through insurance, have an orthopedic, second opinion, appt next week. Can't take narcotics, as recently hospitalized while trying too come off tramadol, go figure, they put me back on it. I left AMA, and had to withdraw again, Was told I was leaving in three days. Was in survival mode the whole time there, of course. And others as if you leave that way, middle of night, no scripts. And on lots of drugs. Felt good til I realized where I was (med wise). Had emergencies at home.

And am discovering more people on lamictal, so maybe. I feel like maybe I was denied a therapist two years ago cuz I wouldn;t take it. Just maybe. Sure need someone to talk to someone knowledgeable. .

I keep triggering here where I live, and going through leaving, have left, multiple times. Applied to a homeless shelter last week, and spent my last $144.00 for tent, sleeping bag, etc., have a homeless friend that has those things, for when shelter is not available, then housemate assured me to stay. Have been doing this in relationships since first running away as a teen. I think I need some help, don't even think of skills use when it happens. Have gone to relatives twice, and realizing I want to be here,

Anyway, have been coming here in the forum, but then regret at times saying so much in open. It's hard knowing public can view, sometimes. But have finally decided no shame, I want to be same on inside as out. And be able to relax. Have much cognitive dissonance around my use. And mental illness. Have typically had respect for laws. Have been unable to get meds that work for me, finally acceeded to using generic Norpramin, even though didn't work in past, have had other people in my life have neg experiences with generic. Am on 200mgs now, and think I may be hypo manic. It was wonderful at first, started sleeping all night after way more than a year of only sleeping in spurts, and waking up in panic attacks, and crying out in my sleep. Now waking up not unhappy or stressed. I get stressed when I start hurting from my neck and shoulder a bit after I'm up. And talking so much. Any way, took less last night, my pcp wants to consult behavioral health, and he's taking my ins claim, so at least I'll have care overseen, at least, by one doc. Am getting weaker, more uncoordinated and more pain all the time. Because when I go to the doc, there is none. Trying to figure out why, Today I realized I can check out from it when concentrating hard on something else. Also, had severe panic attacks with being told nothings wrong for years.

Thank you. Am trying to get help. DSHS, so far, hasn't allowed it. Insurance said had to give mental health records, so may get short term care there, which will be a contracted thing, I assume, and no chance for a therapist relationship, but may help me to be able to work again. Sure hope care is easier to get in the future. Especially young people. Conversations are so important.

Thank you, for your caring here. Appreciate you.

loves and hugs


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