Can I just ask...part 2!

[Calla]

Ok just a quick two questions. This might not be the right topic.

Ok so firstly I am beginning to think that not having the distraction and release of a physical relationship is really starting to have an adverse effect on me. Does that sounds crazy or stupid? Can that effect the mental side of me?

And I like to think of myself as fairly intelligent..however...there has been a lot of talk about me hating myself etc. And now I feel a bit stupid because I thought that was how all people with depression felt. So now I'm slightly confused.

[Calla]

I've read some other posts of people hating themselves and others not understanding. I guess it's "horses for courses" hey?

[Calla]

I am also clearly getting more and more paranoid. Not sure which thread I can talk about that in? But do all moderators and admin talk about members? There is obviously a big "backstage" community. And that is troubling me a bit tonight for some reason (insanity being most likely)

[Symora]

Hi Calla,

Funny you should bring that subject up because I have been thinking lately that not being in a relationship is affecting my mental health as well... I have figured out it's because when I am with someone I can talk about what I am living, get perspective, advice. I would talk my moods out. I could untangle what was bothering me about an issue, discuss options. Now it's just me talking with me, and I don't like what me is telling me, and often times I just go around in circles.... So I have been making an effort to widen my scope of people I can discuss things with. In a relationship the other person is usually your closest confidante, now I have to have a bunch of confidantes and I'm not sure all of them put together ad up to one closest confidante, in the capacity to deepen a subject over a long period of time.

I am keenly aware lately that I miss that communication aspect. I guess it's not the same for everyone...

I suffer from depression and have low self esteem as well. Although I do recognize my capacities, talents, intelligence, I don't have a deep seated self-esteem. Although I can talk a good line, deep down I feel that am unloveable, and I know it's family of origin issues. It's like I was programmed the wrong way.... I'm trying to address my self-esteem issues this year, but I am really struggling because it is shaking up my world. When I am assertive, I feel like I am going to be rejected and shunned, just as I was back then, I find it very unnerving and I absolutely don't know where the boundaries are in how I should expect people to treat me.

Lately I have made stabs at assertiveness. Many came out downright surly. Others I was mean. Most of the time it left me feeling isolated. I seem to have been born without tact

So ya, all that stuff and more. The physical part, well yeah, I think it does release tension and the affection is very soothing to both body and soul... But if the relationship is not working well, it nul and voids all those things...

[IrmaJean]

Hello, Calla. Bringing up that you are feeling down about yourself is something we have done in order to get to the reasons why and how that can be possibly be changed. So it's an attempt to help you to feeling better eventually.

I think it's normal for any adult human being to wish for a sexual relationship. But relationships would be much more valuable if they also were meaningful and loving, don't you think? This is something you deserve as well.

How have you been feeling otherwise tonight, Calla?

[Calla]

Thank you for that. I have always hated the thought that people are validated by others. And I have always hated the fact that if I bump into anyone from my past the first question is ALWAYS without fail "are you married yet?" or similar. Not "are you happy?" "are you successful" Everything is judged by having someone who loves you but a lot of the time it is right place/right time I guess

But as you say it is important in that it is having someone else to listen and talk to. I have quite bad issues with my dad and I did raise this with my mum recently. And my main point that he does not treat my sister anywhere near the way he treats me. And her response was "well yeah but she has her partner to look after her". My first reaction is sexism is alive and well in my family! I doubt he would say that about a son!! but at the same time it fits with what you say. It's about sharing and not being alone. When my sister was made redundant they had her partners wages to survive on will she found a new job. With me it's all me! I'm babbling now, sorry.

And I know what you mean....it's a fine line being assertive to aggressive (I did a workshop once!) But I feel I have to be a bit aggressive now to stop anyone hurting me. Which is crazy because no one comes near me then and then I am hurt that no one comes near me!!

You have friends you can talk to? I'm struggling with that. It's a bit like the question I had about people hating themselves. How do people with depression have friends? That sounds a stupid question but it seems something I'm not able to achieve. I have felt slightly envious on here when people have spoken about partners and friends. I know that sounds bad but it's the truth because I can't understand how to do that. Sorry I'm a bit mad I think.

[Calla]

Hi Irmajean.....I do understand why people say it and I appreciate the help I really do. I just honestly thought most people would feel like that. So I was a bit surprised. Like when I was doing the self help book and I scored so highly on the depression chart....that was a shock. Maybe I was fooling myself.....having said that I don't want to make myself feel worse (self fufilling prophecy again!)

And yes on the physical side I realise there is a loving part I miss too. I have the option of a purely sexual relationship (the only option I have) but I am still rational enough to know this will not help and in the long run I will miss the affection more. But sometimes it is tempting.

But I feel kind of ok tonight thank you. I failed to outrun myself which is always a bit disappointing but I'm trying to be easy on myself. How are you tonight?

[IrmaJean]

I'm doing just fine, Calla, thank you for asking. It was very kind of you to think of me. I hope the rest of your night goes well.

[Calla]

I'm glad you are well. I see a lot of give and not much take from you. So I am pleased that you are good

[Luna-]

... But do all moderators and admin talk about members? There is obviously a big "backstage" community. And that is troubling me a bit tonight for some reason...

If there is a backstage community, I don’t know about it, but then I always seem to be the last to know things. But you could be talking about the moderators conferring with each other?

To use a metaphor: we’re workers at a large conference, conferring with each other behind the scenes, to make sure everything runs smoothly. This goes on in the background. Our job is to do what we can to make sure every conference delegate has a seat and a microphone reserved for them. And if someone's microphone breaks down and they aren't being heard we scuttle around to get a new one. We're really quite benign.

So fear not, I can assure you we don’t sit and gossip about you Calla *wink to you* nor about anyone else *wink to everyone else* (Uhhhh, I think there’s something in my eye… ).