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this is my first time to this site... I have no idea where to start. I have read some post in various threads n some seem to be a little help but i have a collection of problems n so i'm just gonna post here unless directed otherwise by an administrator....

here goes... I am 29, overweight, depressed, confused, hurt by a lover that I dont know if he loves me or not, and am tired of waiting to see what he's gonna do... he's younger than me n thinks he can fight off "gay tendencies" it all started out about a year n a half ago... we met, I thought he was cute, n had a good personality... basically I was attracted to him! we started hanging out(btw... i'm not openly gay) became very good friends.. I mean we did everything together, where I was he was. I would buy him clothes, shoes, food, and whatever he wanted(he has no job). I fell in love with him, I bought him a phone for his b-day, under the agreement he would pay the monthly bill(never happened), and lots of presents for christmas. He stayed over a lot but we never had any type of sexual experiences until Christmas morning. that was the first time and it wasn't intercoarse, he initiated n i followed suit(as I had been wishing this to happen for months). as soon as he was finished, he jumped up, went down stairs, ignored me for hours basically acting guilty(you know the whole homophobe thing). that night in bed we went a little further, still not intercoarse. and as soon as it was over, again, he went down stairs, slept on the couch that night... I tried to talk to him but he wouldn't talk back. so it made me feel like a horrible person(although i didn't start it). anyway, about a week later he came over n I was cuddled up to him(not unordinary) n we started kissing n making out, it was like sparks!! I loved it, it was what I wanted, but I never ever pushed anything on him. he still started it. and after he was finished he jumped up n went to the restroom. said he wasn't doin' it again. so I backed off. but the next week he was back for more. this went on for several weeks, each time becoming more intense n there was intercoarse involved.

eventually I just assumed that we were involved in a "dl" relationship. I was in love, he told me he loved me... we talked every night, it was like we were meant for each other... but then he started coming around as less often, calling less, or atleast not talking as much when he called. n I started asking questions( i am very insecure), he told me he didn't want a relationship, n that i wanted to much, but when he did come around it always ended with sex. so I became very jealous, frustrated, anxious, trying to figure out what to make of all of this. was there anyway i could make him love me enough to put all these feelings aside, etc...

then finally one evening, I was talking to a mutual friend on messenger n he came online, so we were in conference. n the mutual friend(who doesn't know about our little fling) starts talking about these girls that they had went to see n had sex with. when I confronted him about it he acted like it was nothing. then the next day he came over, n i brought it up again, he told me it was none of my business, that he never ask me what I did when he wasn't around. this guy is the guy that I am in love with, he pretty much told me what he wanted n i got it for him, movies, food, clothing, he used my car whenever he wanted... n it was none of my business that he had casual sex with some girl he didn't even know, behind my back! it was devestating. n he knows how emotional i am, n basically i felt like i had been played, this whole time. but I still love him, n wanted to make it work...he tried to call me n try to make it seem like it was all my fault, that he told me he didn't want to be my partner, only my friend(w/sex ofcoarse) n that i was wanting more than he did. n that he thought that i was what he wanted but i wasn't. so anyway, one minute he's telling me he loves me the next he wont talk to me...

What do I need to do? I know the answer but i can't walk away, i really want to but I feel like i'm lost without him, I dont want to be w/o him, I love him n still want to be with him. how can I break out of this? what is the correct answer? do I have some type of mental illness? I know i'm emotional, easily attached to those i care about. what is the answer to all this? please help me!!! I am really devestated and just start crying, can't sleep at night. I even quit my job lasat week b/c of stress n anxiety(work n this crap related).

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I'm not sure if this is really very good advise but I think you need to get angry.

This person who believes he can fight off "gay tendencies" is clearly either gay or bisexual. Either way he became involved in a relationship with you and seems like he took advantage.

Read through your post again and note what you have said. You paid for everything, even when he said he would pay - He used you.

He claims what he does is 'none of your business' and so would seem he feels your feelings and opinion are of little concequence.

Get angry, you deserve better. Don't let him continue to use you. If he wants you to be a friend with 'benefits' then he has to play by your rules. He needs to know what he did and said was wrong.

You say you still love him so I assume he has lots of redeeming features. Will he appoligise or accept he made any errors?

Sorry, I ranted a bit there. But I still say getting angry is the right thing to do, because once you vented that anger (verbally only) you will be able to move on.. either with him.. or without. But you should know where you and he stand.

Good luck.

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I think Kalima is on to something. Maybe getting angry is one way say it, but another way to say it is that you are basically very passive in this relationship. You're doing a lot of enabling of this man (who is very happy to sponge off you - not an attractive feature to most people looking for a partner) and it is in the service of attracting him to want to be with you. But your style is to enable and then hope that things will work out how you hope them to. In the act of being this way, you are effectively putting your power and your happiness potential into the hands of someone who is unreliable, and when you do this sort of thing, you are not going to be happy much of the time. This is true in any sort of relationship; gay straight or whathaveyou.

So - what is necessary if you want to be happier is for you to take back your power and decision making ability from this man or any other man. You need to be able to express your desire for him, but also to set limits beyond which he cannot mess with you. You need to defend your own personal boundary when he takes advantage. And he is definitely taking advantage of you. So - one way to do this is to get angry and yell and such - that could lead to aggressive behavior on your part, and that is also unattractive to most people (few people want to be in a relationship with a chronically angry entitled person). The other alternative is to become *assertive*. Please read our Psychological Self-Tools article on this important subject.

it strikes me that you don't like yourself much, and maybe feel that you don't believe that you deserve to be treated well. That's going to have to change if you are to feel better. I always recommend cogntive behavioral therapy (or cognitive therapy) for times when you need to learn how to challenge beliefs that you have that aren't true but which you believe nevertheless, but any good therapist ought to be able to help you with this sort of thing. You need to figure out that you have self-worth, and it needs to be a deep understanding based on accomplishing things you feel proud of, and understanding at an emotional level that you do not deserve to be abused and taken advantage of.

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thanks for the advise... I agree that I need some help... I just don't know where to start... everything that was said is true... and I know this.. its almost like I like the feeling of being waned so bad that i've confused it with being used! and as for getting angry... I did a couple of times and it felt good but then after I calm down he became master of my domain once again... once I even took the cell phone out of his hand n broke it... then the next morning I had to get him another one... he is just like that... I feel powerless aorund him.. I am going to check out the advise that was given, hopefully this can give some good insight as to how to control myself in a way that i am in charge n no one else... i do not like myself very much... but yet I dont do anything to change it... i try but then something always happens n I end up reverting back into my shell n just let things go. I think I would like to talk to someone tho', i believe that a therapist would be able to help me.

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Hi Trying2bpositive

You must be heart broken. After all you've done for him and at the end of the day, all's your asking for is respect!

In my opinion, two wrongs don't make a right! What I'm trying to say is: if you feel like you cannot shout at this person, because your emotion's are much stronger than that, then don't shout. If shouting is not going to help, then don't do it!

It,s all well and good us all advising you of what to say/do, but you've got to do what your heart tells you. No matter what each of us say's, you'll only listen if your heart lets you.

If you think this person has taken advantage of a very good friendship, well it's up to you to say so. you either cut the apron strings and have nothing more to do with him. Or, you put up with his mood's and the way that your being treated.

It will hurt like crazy at first, but you'll get over it and you will. Only time will tell. Time is the essence in situations like this. You'll think that no-one could of been hurt like your being hurt now, but they have. In another six months you'll be thinking, me upset! Over a toe rag like that, never! You won't be able to understand why you ever got so upset in the first place. Trust me!

I hope the advice that I've given, has been of some use to you.

Take care


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I believe that... I just don't know how to cut the strings... I mean idk... i dont know what to do if i do that... I guess I dont want to be alone.. thats probably more than anything. I thought that he was the best thing that ever happened to me... but now I wish I would never have become emotionally involved with him! It feels like HE took my heart right out of my chest and now he wont give it back... I dont know if that makes sense. and I also have those feelings like.. that if I'm not with him then i'll be all alone. I guess I feel like i can't do any better than him. I really thought he was something. like the best thing since sliced bread :/ I know your right tho' if I get him out of my life then there will be a brighter day. the only big problem with that is i'll still see him all the time like he n I are involved in this community thing, n my friends are also his friends... it's like out of sight out of mind will not work, cause he won't be out of sight... it's messed up! but as you can tell it's really got me tore up! like i've had break ups before n suffered heart ache, but I dont ever remember being this messed up... maybe it's just everything falling in my lap at one time, and this has pushed me over the top!

thanks for the input... it does help to hear it!

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