I want my life to matter, too

[Catmom]

I just read Calla's thread about "what do you do" and I could so strongly relate to everything she said. I am a compulsive gambler and a prescription drug abuser, however I have practiced neither of my addictions since December of 2004.

My problem is that I still feel so very alone even when all these years that I have been clean and sober, my main goal has been to try to establish satisfying relationships. To no avail, it would seem. I have two brothers who are seven & 11 years older than I, but we speak very seldom and they live elsewhere in the country.

When I went to treatment for compulsive gambling, I thought I understood addiction. Was I ever wrong! The real eye opener for me was the definition of addiction that went: "Addiction is a compulsive relationship with a substance or activity." I came to understand that we addicts are using substances or behaviors to meet needs that can only be met in relationships with other people. Google "the relationship model of addiction" and you should find an article by the same title that explains this further.

Even more interestingly, when we are practicing our addictions, we treat people like objects, to used in furthering our addictions. This is why an addict will lie to those closest to them & will steal to get money to gamble or buy drugs, for example.

Anyway, even after all this clean time, I still feel like Calla does in terms of relationships. I am now 50 years old, have never married, I think because I have always thought I was too fat and ugly for any man to desire. (This was a message from my now deceased alcoholic mother, by the way).

Just tonight, in my compulsive gambler's recovery group, we read a story about a woman dying of cancer who was worried that her children wouldn't survive if she were gone. My feeling is that if I died of cancer, I would be scarcely remembered. I told the group that my life is like a pebble dropped into water, the ripples I made would dissipate so quickly.

Of course, it doesn't help that I am unemployed right now and don't know where I will find my next job.

It is dismaying to me that with 5 plus years of clean time, my self esteem wouldn't be better. My therapist says I put up walls but I don't know how to reach over them, apparently.

Well, my little dog loves me, anyway.

Catmom

P.S. I have watched some of Dr Drew Pinksy's interviews regarding addiction and it really hits home with me when he says the people he treats with the best chance of recovery are those who have meaningful relationships with other people. (When I heard this, I thought : "I'm screwed.")

I wonder where this will end. Will I just suffer indefinitely or will I end up going back to my addictions? As you can see, I am feeling pretty hopeless about this. Thanks for reading. CM

[finding my way]

It's never too late to make a new beginning, catmom. Maybe you could do a little volunteer work, chat a little with neighbors, go to the library or mall and just people watch a little, opening your heart?

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry you are feeling sad, Catmom. Being clean from your addictions for 6 years is wonderful. Awesome job.

Do you get out socially at all? I would suggest going to many different places and placing yourself around many people. The lively atmosphere might be helpful in and of itself and it may give you the opportunity to meet others and make friends.

One thing I've noticed when you post is that you often write that your thoughts are just "my .02 cents". I hate to think of you minimizing yourself in any way. It reinforces feelings of low self-worth. Your thoughts are valuable, just as your feelings are valuable...and you are valuable.

What can you do in your life...for yourself...that would be meaningful?

Maybe instead of reaching over the walls, try lowering them and putting them down. Undoubtedly there is an interesting person behind the confines of those walls. Putting yourself out there is a scary thing, I know, but the risk of sharing yourself may be where the greatest joy is found.

I hope things look up soon.

[Guest GingerSnap]

Being without a job right now is really tough especially if you are a little older but hang in there as my husband, age 55, just found a better job after 6 months of unemployment. You might try seeing if you could volunteer, throw yourself into it. Many places need volunteer labor, it can add to your good references, shows you didn't just want to sit around and could lead to a job - great way to do some networking and find out where an opening might be. I know some people even volunteer at the City and County offices hoping to gain experience and a little "insider" benefit. (think food pantry, library, school, with the developmentally disabled, humane society). I was introverted child without social skills but jumped into life with both feet and I am still kicking. You basically just have to set some tiny goals for yourself so that you can have success and some day, you will look up and you will be there - tiny steps.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Catmom,

First, I want to assure you that addiction is extremely complex and involves much more than what you read on Google. It is also the result of a chemical imbalance in the brain that is worsened by the addiction. We continue the addictive behavior because it feels good. That has to do with the part of the brain that controls pleasure. It is now suspected that addicts have a low level of dopamine and that is what regulates mood, especially good mood. The addiction temporarily increases dopamine production. Now, there are even new medicines that help block the craving for an addiction.

Second, let me remind you that you matter to all of us here in this community. You are an important person and you contribute to the lives of everyone here. You do matter, in fact, you matter very, very much.

Said warmly,

Allan:)

[Catmom]

Thank you to all who responded. You are very kind. I probably should have posted this in the relationship forum but since I have a history of addiction and Calla had posted about similar issues here, I chose this one.

I like finding my way's suggestion about volunteering. I had considered doing that the last time I was off work but never got around to it.

In a way it seems easier to feel hopeless about ever finding an answer to my lifelong loneliness than to hope that it might be different. It is all so very painful.

My problem now is not addiction of any kind but is how to live life when I believe that I am essentially unattractive? How do I overcome this?

Catmom

[IrmaJean]

I can relate to this, Catmom. Being attractive includes more than just one's physical attributes, though. I think presentation, level of confidence and how you feel about yourself projects a snapshot of you that others will receive as such. What can you do to feel better about yourself? Sometimes a little change can be revitalizing as well. For me, it was changing my ever so straight hair to wavy. I like it better this way, I feel more feminine and less unattractive. I also think having a positive attitude helps. I know even at work I get more positive responses from customers when I am bright and confident, smiling. Think of all of the wonderful attributes you have and others will likely see them too. Volunteering does seem like a great idea. It would give you the opportunity to meet others as well as helping you to feel useful and needed. I hope this goes well for you.

[finding my way]

For me, developing skills that are a service for others can be an act of beauty. Doesn't have to be complicated, simple is usually best. Along the way, you can open to the simple things that help you.

The movie Peaceful Warrior kinda carries this theme, ever heard of it?

[Catmom]

No, but I googled it & got the gist of what it is saying. Thanks for the suggestion. I think it would help me to help others.

Catmom

[katleen]

Hi Catmom,

Having been physically attractive a lot of my life, am happier now. Lost front teeth. OMG, that was hard. But, got to see a lot of my insecurities. So I spent lots of time watching people, and people being together and enjoying each other, everybody loooked different from everybody else, and didn't see any Barbie Dolls. Definitions I made of myself were according to the Barbie doll, commercialized prettiness and perfection that we all have been exposed to, at least here in America, and of course definitions from our families, that were more projections, than truth. Was told wearing a half smile would make me feel better, and when I can go to town and smile at people, most smile back. Friendly is attractive, and invites people in. Conversations can follow. If I go to town when I'm down, and it's usually on myself, what I put out is so different, and so is what comes back. Am in a smaller town, where ppeople are afraid of change. Shaving my head, and no teeth, it's taken awhile but people who haven't been friendly are beginning to be, My pharmacy, it took a long time, but now they are so good to me, I like going to see them. I had to grieve. There were things in life I had my heart set on, didn't happen. Other things, I never considered, I've had to bare.

A friend told me, we've no promises from life, and expectations cause disappointment. And really, all we really have is the moment, and it might be our last, why waste it in regrets, look out. Each of us are integral to this universe. The fact that you are is an unspeakable gift. Think how many eggs and spermys never make it. You give, you're worth a lot, even here. I bet you've given much in your life. I like older people, they've a tendency to be more at ease, and real. And they're grateful. Just to be alive. I'm 53, my best friend has no teeth either, but who really cares. Catmom, maybe get out when you can. Take a book and people watch, flirt and have fun. I watched a young man go googoo over my 50 year old girlfriend. Just because she smiled and talked to him. If people don't smile back, stick your tongue out at them.

We're a huge living organism, each an equally important part. It's our differences that count.

Here I go lecturing again. Am better if I have a friend to go out with, for sure. My girlfriend and I go to Walmart and play all the way through. She's too, too funny. I forget myself. Was agoraphobic, self isolated when my kiids were younger, afraid the neighbors would see me. Deep neg feelings about myself, my unattractiveness and worth. Only feel that way every other day now.

loves and hugs

katleen

[Catmom]

Hi Katleen-

Why did you lose your front teeth and shave your head? I have only recently begun posting here regularly (since I have been unemployed ) and I feel like I should know the answers to these questions because maybe you have posted about them before.

My main flaw is that I am fat. I always have been and I exercise regularly (swim a mile 3 X per week). My obesity is not extreme, but I would look more acceptable 40-50 lbs lighter.

I appreciate your saying that one doesn't have to be a Barbie doll to be lovable & attractive. I really think that my self loathing (at times) stems from my mother being very a narcissistic alcoholic who called me names as a child and adolescent. She hated herself and I was the only girl (youngest child, too). I have lived my whole life believing that I was unlovable, hoping against hope that it wasn't true, but feeling it nevertheless.

At this moment, my new young cat (2 year old Isis) is sitting on my printer and pawing at the window blinds. She is really cute.

Anyway, thanks Katleen for your kind words. I really helps me feel less alone.

Catmom

[katleen]

Me, too. Catmom,

Thank you.

No shoulds.

We have cats, too. Pandora, who I cared for when doing in home care for a woman, and adopted after her 'MOM' had died. She's a cat. Old now, sleeps a lot. Brought Doobie home a few months ago, she's four or five months old now, calico, her face looks like the YingYang sign, and she likes to attack and play with the two dogs. One, an Eskimo, is my son's. Two babies now and Misha can't keep her tongue in her mouth and gave one of the kids an infection on his face. Suze is a Retreiver cross, and lays down when doesn't want to do something, wherever we are.

My house mate was cutting my hair for me on a pretty regular basis, with clippers, and one time he started, kinda silly like, took a swoop and realized he'd used the really short comb. Since it was pretty much down the front top. we did it all the way. Then, I lost a precious family member, and I decided to keep it as an outward sign of my grief. It also keeps my parrot, an African Grey, from using my head for a perch stand, and a place to go poop.

Lived in Portland before here, and anything goes. Coming here, it's like going back in time, people can be quite judgmental(fear) of different looks. My teeth were either pulled or have fallen out. I relied much of my life on tits and good looks, does nothing for relationships. It was hard at first, but I got really tired of being afraid. So, I started making myself look at people and smile, closed mouth, but they'd always ask a question and of course I'd answer. Most people don't care. At the grocery, or the clinic. usually people are glad that I'm friendly.

I haven't felt lonely in awhile. Coming here, finding friends and commonalities, makes me tend to think we're better off than many. Have always been unable to have the skills that people call politics. I like real.

Got to go to a city transportation meeting of sorts this morning, with friends from NAMI and they presented ridership issues. We're going to collect signatures to get an evening bus. I'm excited.

Not a clue why I am telling you all this, we should all have a grand party somewhere someday.

loves and hugds Catmom

katleen

[Catmom]

Thanks for your warm wishes katleen.

BTW, I am from Seattle originally but have been in the very conservative Midwest since 1987, so although I've been back to visit, the social atmosphere of the West Coast would be quite different, to say the least.