flat_affect Posted June 15, 2010 Report Share Posted June 15, 2010 today I could have seen my friends but I made excuses not to. I'm withdrawing ever further into my own black bag. Meds don't help. I don't have a therapist, my GP says "we don't do talk therapy anymore, just take these pills". I don't have whatever it takes to kill myself, no matter how many thoughts and fantasies I man have. I keep thinking about family and pets I'd leave behind. I want to just relax and go into hospital but that would lose me my two cats, my job, my apartment and would probably just make things worse.I really hate myself right now. I could have had a good life - I had all the tools, but my bad brain keeps knocking me over. I don't see a future.I never used to remember my dreams, but since i got on my latest scrip of antidepressants I've been dreaming every night, and the dreams are all about hopelessness, loss and humiliation. I used to be ale to escape into sleep when things got bad, but now my awakenings are even worse that the last morning.I'm trying to hold out til fall when I'm supposed to start CBT, but it's only the beginning of summer and it's hard everyday to see the bright day out of the window and pull the blankets over it. Even though I've seen terrible results from it,. I've started to keep ECT as my fallback position. I'm actually considering letting the doctors put me into grand mal seizures just to stop feeling the way i feel every day. Damn. This sucks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted June 15, 2010 Report Share Posted June 15, 2010 Hi flat,Change GP's. "They" (who, medical doctors?) may not do talk therapy any more, but talk therapy still happens. And most people are of the opinion that meds alone won't do the trick.Can I ask, why are you choosing to withdraw? I mean, other than depression. I can't see that any part of you deserves to be called "bad". If you get pneumonia, do you call it a bad lung? There's an imbalance, but just like if you're walking a tightrope, good balance doesn't have to be that far away.See, this is not about "what you've done wrong", stuff that you deserve to hate yourself about. This is about having a problem, and who doesn't have problems?I'm sorry that you're in so much pain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brandi Posted June 15, 2010 Report Share Posted June 15, 2010 i know exactly how you feel. i actually have so many issues to deal with that i could post on just about every subject. one thing i'm always telling people when they talk about how bad things are is "on the bright side,you're not me" (that usually makes them feel better,too!) but one thing that helps me is knowing i'm not the only one. knowing that it happens to other people and isn't just my own form of brain damage gives me a little gleam of hope. therefore you are NOT useless. you've already helped me and possibly others that just didn't know how to reply. so there Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flat_affect Posted June 16, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 16, 2010 ............ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flat_affect Posted June 16, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 16, 2010 I cut today. first time in over a decade. Can't describe the feeling for good or ill. VERY shaken, feel like I lost again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brandi Posted June 16, 2010 Report Share Posted June 16, 2010 i always imagine a noose,too..i guess cuz that's how i feel when things get bad. the tightening feeling,making it hard to breathe. i've never been a cutter..i'm not much for pain,but i have a friend who explained the feeling of it to me,the desire for it. she's an extremely beautiful girl with soo much talent and so much going for her,but it's something she constantly struggles with. i don't think it helps me understand a lot,but i do feel for you,and wish you all the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mscat Posted June 16, 2010 Report Share Posted June 16, 2010 I cut today. first time in over a decade. Can't describe the feeling for good or ill. VERY shaken, feel like I lost again.I believe you cut to release unexpressed emotions , and SI can help relieve some of it. problem is that self injury is like putting a bandaid on your feelings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ASchwartz Posted June 16, 2010 Report Share Posted June 16, 2010 Hi Flat_affect and all,It is really important that you fight against the impulse to withdraw from people. The more you go out with people the less likely it will be that you cut youself and the more you can get your mind off of these negative thoughts.By the way, there are many self help books and manuals, either in the library or on the book shelves, on how to use CBT methods. They really help and can tide you over until the real CBT starts in the Fall.I am asking you a question that I ask many people here in the community: "Why do you dislike or hate yourself so much?"Allan:( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flat_affect Posted June 17, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 17, 2010 Allan: I think most of my self disgust comes from disappointment with my life. I always felt I had the potential to do great things but I've done nothing of value in my life. The older I get the less likely it seems that I'll write the great canadian novel or set a new record at the para-sail world's cup.I have a lot of anger about my depression. It's hijacked ever great opportunity in my life, and it's made me so insecure and socially awkward that by now I have the networking skills of a blind cave fish. I'm angry because depression has cost me friends and loves. I'm angry, too, because now I have this brand-new set of scars on my arm (goodbye to wearing t-shirts all summer) and I thought I was done with cutting twenty five years ago. Every time I look at these new marks I feel sick to my stomach.Nowadays, just waiting at the corner for a street car feels like I'm standing in a wind tunnel. Dealing with a bank teller is like being sandblasted. Every time I'm out my door I feel like an alien in an atmosphere that is very very slightly poisonous. I don't know when it got so hard for me to exist in the world. Brandi - thanks so much for your kind words. Pain, or the fear of it, didn't enter into it this time. Neither did choice. I was in a total blackout until I woke up in emergency. Don't remember a thing. Scary as ****. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brandi Posted June 17, 2010 Report Share Posted June 17, 2010 damn..i bet it was. do you remember exactly what it was that happened before you blacked out..or was it just that you were overwhelmed by the buildup of everything? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flat_affect Posted June 17, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 17, 2010 I had taken ativan before the blackout happened . I only remember taking two but when I came home the next day from emerg there were none, and I'd just filled the scrip that day. I certainly felt like I'd been hit over the head with wet cement. All day today I've sitting kinda staring in shock. A very kind friend kept me company most of the day, got me to go for a walk and made me dinner, so I guess I'm pretty lucky.I have to go back to work tomorrow and I'm really scared. I can cover the new marks with a long sleeved t shirt but I'm wondering if I'll be able to keep it together dealing with people. And I have to call the public health nurse from the hospital tomorrow because she wants to come and visit. Arrrrrgh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brandi Posted June 17, 2010 Report Share Posted June 17, 2010 yeah,pretty awesome of your friend to take care of you like that..you are lucky when i have my bad spells people either keep their distance or make it a point to let me know they don't care,and rub it in my face how everything is perfectly wonderful for normal people. as far as work goes tomorrow,i wish i could help you out,but the only thing i've ever been able to do around people that helps is to focus on everything. if i hang on every word or noise i hear,and concentrate on how each thing looks it helps to keep me out of my head and away from a breakdown..i can't ever get it to work for a whole day,but maybe you can try it out and see if it helps you any. oh,and chocolate milk..it's been said to have a calming effect (but mainly i just think it's awesome ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flat_affect Posted June 17, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 17, 2010 It's 6:04 a.m. and I haven't got to sleep yet. I'm definitely gonna try the chocolate milk . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brandi Posted June 17, 2010 Report Share Posted June 17, 2010 hmm..think i'll have some,too.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cline1986 Posted June 17, 2010 Report Share Posted June 17, 2010 brandi,I used to cut too, but I hate the marks it left on my arms, so I just try other things that do not include cutting or hurting myself. Now I just vent or find something relaxing to do. I can understand your friend's pleasure in cutting.flat_affect,Try to get out and have more fun even if it is one of those "I don't want to go anywhere days." Getting out, even if it is to go for a walk is good for the mind. I have a lot of days when I feel inadequate and I start to zone out, so this feeling is normal. Hope you feel better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flat_affect Posted June 19, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 19, 2010 cline - you're so right about the marks. I hate what I've done to myself. I'm lucky that the cuts were shallow and shouldn't scar too badly, but here's one summer I'm spending in long sleeves . I try to get out - I've managed to keep my job - even making it in the day after this ugly episode, but I never feel comfortable outside. I'm sure I've said this before somewhere, but even standing on the street in public feels like standing in a wind tunnel filled with glass fibre. i'm so grateful to get home I just huddle up and don't go out again until I'm forced to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ASchwartz Posted June 19, 2010 Report Share Posted June 19, 2010 Hi Flat_Affect,Wow, you describe some very uncomfortable feelings about being outside. Can you tell us more about it? For example, what are you thinking when you ae outside? Do you fear others, or, are you judging yourself, is there something dangerous about outside, etc???Allan:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flat_affect Posted June 20, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 20, 2010 I don't remember what was going on leading up to the event - just the usual stress and glumness, but in a way I got off lightly. Waking up in emerg is making me take a second look at my life and what I'm doing with it. I'm a lot more ready to try to change some of the things I do to short-circuit my life - getting drunk or high, avoiding people for days at a time. Maybe this will all turn out to be a good thing, just one that came in a very strange package. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calla Posted June 30, 2010 Report Share Posted June 30, 2010 I just wondered how you were feeling now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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