flat_affect Posted June 15, 2010 Report Share Posted June 15, 2010 today I could have seen my friends but I made excuses not to. I'm withdrawing ever further into my own black bag. Meds don't help. I don't have a therapist, my GP says "we don't do talk therapy anymore, just take these pills". I don't have whatever it takes to kill myself, no matter how many thoughts and fantasies I man have. I keep thinking about family and pets I'd leave behind. I want to just relax and go into hospital but that would lose me my two cats, my job, my apartment and would probably just make things worse.I really hate myself right now. I could have had a good life - I had all the tools, but my bad brain keeps knocking me over. I don't see a future.I never used to remember my dreams, but since i got on my latest scrip of antidepressants I've been dreaming every night, and the dreams are all about hopelessness, loss and humiliation. I used to be ale to escape into sleep when things got bad, but now my awakenings are even worse that the last morning.I'm trying to hold out til fall when I'm supposed to start CBT, but it's only the beginning of summer and it's hard everyday to see the bright day out of the window and pull the blankets over it. Even though I've seen terrible results from it,. I've started to keep ECT as my fallback position. I'm actually considering letting the doctors put me into grand mal seizures just to stop feeling the way i feel every day. Damn. This sucks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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