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Sexual Abuse - Should I tell? *HELP*


mileyfan101

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I a sixteen year old high school student and when i was around 10 an elderly friend who my mother and I visited every second sunday or so sexually abused me for around 6 months.I don't really want to go into details but he would whisper to me not to tell anyone and eventually i got away and acted like i wanted to sit with his wife and my mom even though he kept calling me out to the lounge room. I don't know whether i should just get over it and im being silly because it didn't go on that long . I was so scared but i didn't want to tell my mom because i didn't want to cause upset in the family. I really have trouble trusting men and im scared to get in a close bond or relationship with a boy and don't know if this is why. should i tell someone even if its just a friend I really don't know what to do if i should say something or forget it and try to move.

Please any sugestions or advice will be really helpful.

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Hi Mileyfan 101-

You are very brave for even admitting this to us. All abuse is hard for most people to talk about, but as you might imagine, sexual abuse is one of the most difficult to discuss.

I strongly encourage you to seek out some professional counseling with a trained psychotherapist to get some help. I imagine that you don't have your own insurance because of your age, so probably the first step would be to have an open and honest discussion with your mother (since she will probably wonder why you all of the sudden want to visit a therapist).

The reason why it is so important to seek professional help is already coming thru in your post; you thoughts/feelings/reactions to this abuse can prevent future successful relationships (even of the non-sexual kind). Often, you have difficulty trusting- and trust in others is a very important characteristic to have.

Do you feel comfortable talking to your mother about this?

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Hey mileyfan :)

I was sexually abused when I was 10 by a family member and I think I can kinda understand the concerns your having. I didn't tell my mum until I was 29 and in the end lied about who did it. I told her it was my dad because I knew that he abused my half-brother, but it was my h/brother who abused me when he was 16. I still can't tell her the truth to this day as I'm afraid what it would do to what little family I have left. My dad died when I was 16 from alcohol poisoning so I thought it would do less harm for him to get the blame. I havn't seen my brother for the last 17 years. I've forgiven him and don't really feel the need to tell mom but thats me.

I don't know what to advise to you though ... but please talk to someone about it, even if it's confidential and secret. I know it's really embarressing, but theres really no need for it to be. Your not in the wrong and it's not your fault and anything that happens from now on wouldn't be your fault either.

You are your moms most precious baby and she would want to know if your hurting so that she can be there for you and do all that she can to make it better for you. You are very important and deserve to develop to your full potential as a human being.

The abuser is also a human being and needs help too so you will be doing him a favour by letting someone know so that he can eventually receive the help he needs.

I hope that you'll feel resiliance to do what you want, even if it's done gradually and drop hints so that your mom could put 2 and 2 together and perhaps approach you.

Edited by xaq75
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Hi-

I definitely understand your reluctance.

So, you have some choices. You can ask your mom about getting in therapy without confiding to her the reason why you would like to talk to someone.

Or, you can tell her the issue (that you were abused) without telling her who it was.

Do either of those options sound workable? I could see the first being a bit hard, as your mother would probably want a reason....

I also really like XAQ75's point. The abuser needs help too. Also, is there any possible way that the abuser could be doing it to someone else? That's something to think about as well.

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Let me start off by saying, I know what your feeling. Yes you should tell someone. However I understand you hesitation in not knowing who to talk to, I never told anyone either I chose to bury the emotions, memories and feelings for years. I am now at age 36 suffering from the after shocks of the the choices I made to keep my mouth shut as a child. If I had it to do over, yes I would have told someone.

Texas girl.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I agree also. If you don't mention this to your mum, then she is not going to know what sort of a man he really is?

Your mother probably praises this man, along with his wife, and yet if she only knew him for what he really is?

This man is taking advantage of you and your mother. No matter how old he is, Obviously, he knows what he's doing! He sure does when he abused you! If this man is a friend, like you say he is. Whether he be your mum's friend or your's or both! A friend does not abuse a friend's daughter. It is despicable what he has done!

Put it this way. He wasn't thinking of how good a friend's you are when he was abusing you was he, NO! Just goes to show what he thinks of the friendship doesn't it when he has to abuse a friend's daughter. A friend who trust him with her daughter.

I know that it's unfair on his wife, But it's just as well that she finds out. Finds out what a pervert he is! You've got to be cruel to be kind! Remember that!

Paula:eek:

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  • 1 month later...

I am so sorry for the emotional suffering you are going through because of this man. You are so young and have a whole life ahead of you. I have a daughter just a couple of years older than you were when it happened to you. If something like this happened to her I would hope she would come and tell me.

I feel as though you should let your mother, father, sibling, someone know what has happened so that you can get the proper care and justice be served upon him so he does not do this to another. Do not have any shame in telling someone, that is what this man wanted you to feel so you did not tell on him. He is the criminal not you, try not to punish yourself. You were just a child and in no way was this your fault.

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mileyfan,

There are a couple more things you might want to think about (as if this was not enough to think and worry about!)...

First, most people who abuse children do not usually start abusing when they are old. Usually it starts when they are young. It is very likely the abuse techniques he used on you have been practiced over and over again--maybe on a number of different children in the past. He did not do this because you were special or bad, he did it because he has a problem he is not able to control on his own and no one else has ever forced him to get help. There are almost certainly other victims out there, and for whatever reasons, they have not pressed charges against this man. So, if you decide to stand up, it will not be just for yourself (I know it can feel lonely and you might not feel like it is worth it just to do it for yourself), but for all of the other children this man has abused. In fact, if you come forward, it might help other people come forward and get help for themselves as well.

Abuse traps the victim in an emotional cage where they feel alone and powerless, even years after the abuse has stopped. It is not something victims can just decide to "get over" or "put behind them". Our deepest feelings do not respond to the commands of our brain. Abuse brings out the deepest and scariest feelings inside a person, and the feelings do not have a time limit.

The other thing I wanted to mention, just so you will have all of the information. If you tell a professional person (counselor, minister, school administrator, teacher, etc.) they may be required by law to report the abuse to the police and/or to your parent. The reason I'm telling you this is because you have already been violated repeatedly by this man. Often, an abuse victim feels violated again when the person they told in confidence reports the abuse to the authorities. Some people might not agree with me telling you this, and I CERTAINLY am not trying to keep you from telling anyone, but I wanted to save you the feelings of betrayal if you tell someone this secret and they are required to pass along the information. I think it is good for you to have all the information so you can make an informed decision.

I REALLY do think you should tell someone and start talking to a counselor, even if it doesn't seem like such an extreme case to you. This is really not at all about this man or his wife or what he deserves or how your mom will feel. This is about the help I think you already know you need to get, for your own healing and path to your best life.

One more thing. My wife was abused severely (physically & sexually) and tortured repeatedly as a child by her grandfather. We are in our 30s and she still deals with the pain and insecurity every day and the mental health issues this has introduced into her life. Yet, she has continued to get help and she is on her way to becoming a psychologist herself--she is triumphing over the demons in her own past by getting help and becoming part of the solution for others. You too can have a great life; your potential is still unlimited. This man did not take your dreams or your womanhood away from you. You can reclaim your childhood as well by starting to work through these issues, none of which were your fault.

Blessings to you mileyfan. I know this is one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through.

voiceless no more,

Sean

Edited by gordian knot
typo
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Please tell somone.... I too was abused as a child and the torture I put myself through while this man went on with his merry life. He also abused one more girl that I know if. He had daughters, I wonder did he do this to them to??? He took away my childhood and for many years I was very angry .. not just at him but everyone. I know it is scary, You just wish he would quit. But please deal with this for your sake.. YOU are very important.

Gabby

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  • 1 year later...

I was abused like you from age 4 to18 .I never told anyone i am now in my 50 ts .I am fine i feel useless should not bee here find it hard to mix with any body hatting every day if you do not tell any one you to can have a life like me please tell some one my abuser is dead now try phoning child line in private its a start please alow your self a good life it not fault good look peter pan

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  • 4 months later...

I was sexually assaulted at 18 by a family friend but before that he often groped me inappropriately. I guess he was waiting until I turned 18 to attempt more.

I can 100% relate to your feelings of 'am i overreacting' and truly you are not overreacting at all darling - what happened to you was terrible and it went on for a long time. Don't let anybody minimise it.

I wanted to tell you that even if your mum turns out to not be supportive of you, it doesn't mean that what happened to you was ok. It wasn't ok - it was abuse and you did not deserve it. You deserve all the love and support you can get babe and I found that in good friends and my doctor as well (consider talking to your doctor for support, no matter what your mum's response is, especially as they can refer you for counselling)

In my situation I told my parents straightaway (after they guy and his wife had left) but my parents were not supportive and minimised what happened, mostly through their own fear because this guy is a longtime friend and all they could think about was the impact of a court case on his family! I'm 31 now and they still get uncomfortable hearing about it to this day, telling me to drop the subject if it is ever mentioned. They also continue to socialise with that couple though not as frequently as they used to. So, yeah, parents can be very weird and have odd reactions. I didn't come from a particularly unstable home either, I'd have said my family were alright, both parents working, traditional lower middle class family. But my relationship with them has never been the same since because I thought they would protect me and they didn't.

I guess I just wanted to prepare you for that possibility as well so that you would still hold your head up high regardless of how your mum responds. She'll more than likely be supportive - my parents reaction is pretty abnormal - but just in case she's not, seek out support elsewhere and keep believing in yourself xxxxx

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  • 1 month later...

First of all I want to say YOU ARE A VERY BRAVE PERSON FOR SPEAKING OUT!! This is the first step to feeling "normal" again (if that is ever possible). Putting words to what is going on in your head is a hard feat to master and you are doing it, even if it is to people you will never meet. Now the next step is to speak with someone you trust who can be a positive advocate for you. You are usually the best advocate for yourself, but when you are feeling helpless, then it helps to find someone to fill that role. Believe me it is one of the hardest things to do.

I am a 30 year survivor of abuse (sexual, physical, and mental) and neglect. It took me over a year to gain enough trust in a person to feel comfortable letting them into my little corner of the world. But once that happens a sense of peace comes over you knowing that this person who has been vicitimizing you has been outted. Even if you are not believed that person knows that they are outted, and that if they chose to vicitimize again they more than likely will be outted again. Even better though is usually they will not victimize you again, because everyone around that person is more aware of possibilities.

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There is no denying that once you make others aware of what is happening to you, that your life will change. Hopefully the more people you bring into your life to support you through the recovery process the better you will feel, and the faster you will feel "normal" again. Until you put an end to this though, you will continue to feel like a victim. You have to have the strength within yourself to move from a "victim" to a "survivor". Best of luck as you take this journey. It doesn't matter if it only happened once, over a period of months, or years. IT IS STILL NOT OKAY!!

I too am seeking therapy, and have been in it for 15 years. I still have alot of work to do, but my biggest victory was giving birth to my son last year. People are affected very differently from sexual abuse so you have to look inside yourself to see where you want to take it.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hi I would just like to say that if u choose to tell some1 then choose who u tell carefully. I was sexually abused by my flat mate. I told my best friend and I was just going crazy and needed to tel some1 for help. She said that I prob deserved it as if I was not off my head on drugs and drink then it prob would not have happened. She said I only had myself to blame. I then started thinking she was right and wanted to hurt myself so badly that I started to cut myself. The cutting got worst and my drinking got worst. To this day I have not told any1 else and this is the 1s time I have sent it as a message.

I just want u 2 be very careful who u tell.

Take care

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what you have just written is really my biggest fear in ever telling anyone. i am relieved at least a little bit that i am working with a therapist and have told some of my story on here. sometimes the need to be heard is incredibly great for me. i dont think i could ever tell just a friend or relative though. i am sorry that this is the response that you got. maybe consider seeing a therapist.

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i did see a therapist but couldnt tell her i really did try but couldnt bring myself to tell her as I would not be able to deal with another response like how my mate did. I have learnt a way of dealing with it and I have it under control as much as I can. It is not the correct way but I have control and power over it so at the moment I feel this is ok.

I hope u can find a better way of coping with things.

Edited by tash28
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Hi, tash28,

i did see a therapist but couldnt tell her i really did try but couldnt bring myself to tell her

Do I understand it right: You saw her only once and wanted to tell her about it during the 1st session? I'm in therapy for more that a year now and I can tell you that... I told my therapist about the most intimate/'unspeakable' issues only after 8 months of therapy! (Fortunatelly, I've never been abused. It was about something different...) And as I have seen on this forums, it's very commun. There are also people who don't remember they were abused and it's the therapist who discovers after some time of their therapy that they 'display' signes of being abused and then, after some time, their bad memories come back and thus they can begin to work on the issue.

So, please, don't give it up because of one hard session when you felt unable to speak about it! First of all, you need to create a trustful relationship with the therapist, only then you can tell her about this issue. It really doesn't have to take months (as in my case, for example)! It can take some weeks. But it certainly needs some time and... it's worth of the effort.

By the way, my first meeting with my therapist seemed almost useless to me (then, not after!), as I was crying almost all the time and was unable to tell him that my most important motivation to see him were my 14 years lasting suicidal feelings. I was unable to say the words (like suicide etc.)! But I wrote him a letter about it (writting letters is "my particular form of therapy", but I'm not the only one, of course). So you can try a letter, too, if you feel it would be easier.

In any case, it's great that you've seen a therapist, so don't give it up and see her again; the time will come and you'll be able to talk about it. Good luck! :)

Edited by LaLa3
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hi lala

I was in therapy for over a year and was still unable to talk about it. As I couldnt speak about the real issue it made me angry, I hated myself and I hated the fact I could not trust anyone to tell them what had happened and how I felt. Because of this I started to self harm, get drunk each night, was aggestive towards people, took many over doses. got in trouble with the police and much more. My whole live was out of control I lost everything.

I dont think I will ever be able to talk about what happened and I have leant now to block it out but I have not had a boyfriend since it hapened. I ahve tried to the way I went about it was wrong but I really thought it would help me through this.

I got totally drunk 1 night (to the point I could not stand or speak) and slept with someone. I did this a few times thinking if I need to get over this and need to get some control back. It didnt work and I felt worst.

So the only way I have leant to deal with this is by blocking it out but to never trust anyone to get close to me again. I dont even like it when it is just me and another male in one room together.

I find life very hard but am learning how to cope with things each day.

Thank u so much for ur advice hope ur ok.

Take care

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Hello again,

I'd like to know how to change your view of your life :). I understand that you feel somehow 'safer' thanks to your defence mechanisms that you've developed due to the abuse. It's a general 'scenario' after every trauma; the traumatized person develops a 'strategy' to cope (as for example avoiding the potentialy dangerous or triggering situations/people, ...), which is useful to some extent, but which is horribly changing his/her life, precludes his/her hapiness in many regards, ... Knowing that this is a well-known process and thus every psychotherapist has many experiences with it (in different forms, as each patient is a special case) could be encouraging to you. Look; you were able to write us about your problem. Was it so difficult? You could write it to a therapist as well. I'm sure you can't describe any details, but the only sentence would be enought at the beginning. Something like: "I've been abused but I'm unable to communicate about it, even with you [my therapsit]."

My own greatest fear before talking about "my big issue" was that the therapist would ask me about details or ask me any questions that I would feel very uncomfortable with and unaeble to respond. But I was so nicely surprised by his approach!!! He never asked me about any detail and he allowed me to talk only when and what I felt able to talk about. He almost didn't ask me particular question and when he did, it was so very gentle! So slowly I learned that it's possible to communicate about it.

What's your greatest fear related to the imagination of the situation when you would tell the therapist that you've been abused?

Take care!

L.

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Look; you were able to write us about your problem. Was it so difficult? You could write it to a therapist as well. I'm sure you can't describe any details, but the only sentence would be enought at the beginning. Something like: "I've been abused but I'm unable to communicate about it, even with you [my therapsit]."

L.

This was very hard for me to write and this will prob be the only time I will write about unless I can find the courage to write it down for a therapist which could be a good idea. My concern is that by having to tell someone about it will later mean I will have to go into detail. I NEVER want to talk about it in detail and it will feel like I have to live it again and I really dont think I could do that.

Its very painful living each day as I really want to tell someone so that I can get my life back again but then I cant as really cant live it again and so frightened of having to.

I really dont know how much more I can take. Life is so hard and painful.

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Hello again,

unless I can find the courage to write it down for a therapist which could be a good idea

I'm glad you admit it could be a good idea :). I'm sure it is. But I also know how very hard it would be to do. I've been there. And you can read my previous post again to see again the proof that it's worth the difficulties/pain... and that a good therapist will not push you to talk about the details. Mine never did! He's always accepted when I felt unable to speak about something related to 'that'.

it will feel like I have to live it again and I really dont think I could do that

As far as I know, in many cases, it's important to somehow 'live the trauma again in therapy', but - please don't be scared and don't stop to read - this time in an absolutely different situation, when you would recieve the support and comfort that would have been important to you right then, but then, nobody was there to give them to you. Can you see what I mean? It doesn't mean that the therapist would batter you with/by questions! Remember; you don't have to tell her what you don't want to. But, please, do know that what you want and not want to tell might change in time (as it was, for example, also in my case - I felt convinced "I would never, never tell him about this!!!" - and after about 7 months, I did it!!! And you can't yet (unfortunately) imagine how very alleviating it was! (I posted about it a bit in my thread "How to open a can of worms during therapy?" under Psychotherapy and other treatment)). And telling someone is the first and most important step toward a big change of your life. You identified it as the main problem that prevents you from love and happiness! So you probably feel that it's important to work on it. Please, consider that the therapists are able to handle such cases/situations/issues with a huge care, compassion, support. It doesn't make your fear disappear, but it can help you to act (write or tell the therapist) even while feeling scared of doing so.

How are you these days?

Take care!

L.

Edited by LaLa3
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