Difficulty bonding, probs developing relationships

[Guest Megan]

From reading here I've heard that our current relationships stem from learning through our relationships with family while growing up.

My question is this, can a person with a background in unhealthy relationships in the immediate family growing up ever overcome the issues surrounded by these experiences?

Edited August 21, 2008 by Megan

[paula]

Hi Megan,

Well I don't know to be honest!

I am the middle in my family. Two elder brother's & Two younger sister's. My brother's are aged: 49yrs & 47yrs. I am aged 44yrs & my sister's are aged 37yrs & 36yrs.

My brother at 47yrs was born a twin but the other one died. My mother informed me that when she was pregnant with him that she didn't know that she was having twin's till they were born. The twin that died was a girl. She was named Cheryl and lived till she was 6wks old. She was born with spina-bifida. She had an enormous lump of what my mother described as jelly on her back. The Doctor's had tried to operate on her several times to remove this jelly but to no avail. Operation's and techniques was not as advanced as they are now a days.

My mother always said that my brother was always quite when he was growing up, like as if he knew something was missing. She said that my brother used to sit for hours, talking to his imaginary friend. She swore blind that it was his other twin that he was talking to. Strange! Isn't it.

So you see! that what you are saying.... Has not got anything to do with the way my brother was brought up (quiet) to what he has turned out like!!!!

Yet! On the other hand regarding me...... My mother said that I was very, very quiet. She said that all I ever did was sleep. Now I can't sleep and am being treated for Insomnia. Also, that nothing ever bothered me and yet now I must be the worlds worst worrier. Some people call me Paula the worrier, saying that I always look as if I'm carrying all the worries in the world on my shoulder's. I don't think I'll ever change?

So you see! Different again. I'm still a bit on the quiet side though! I just keep myself to myself, if you know what I mean.

So NO! I can honestly say, that I don't think that what you was brought up like, has got anything to do with your behavior now. Or way of living.

Take care!

Paula x:p

[xaq75]

From reading here I've heard that our current relationships stem from learning through our relationships with family while growing up.

My question is this, can a person with a background in unhealthy relationships in the immediate family growing up ever overcome the issues surrounded by these experiences?

Theres and interesting article on 'transference' on this site which I think is relevant here.

In answer to your question, yes I do. It just takes time and a lot of effort to develop the right attitudes. Growth is something we all do all our lives it's just a question of whether we try and take charge of it or not.

I was diagnosed with a personality disorder a few years ago but I'm becoming more assertive as time goes by and I accumulate more experiences with people. With the right attitude we can move mountains!

[Kalima]

I believe that when we are adults our current relationships and how we interact come from what we learnt as children. However (I hope) despite having poor relationships with immediate family members we can continue to learn from our experiences and learn to have healthy relationships in the future.

If you repeatedly see a bad relationship expecially when you have no other frame of reference it's not difficult to believe that kind of behaviour is normal. But as an adult you can see how other people interact and it may well dawn on you that what you thought of as normal wasnt.

We mimic our parents when we are children. My dad talked badly to my mother and so I thought that talking and thinking that way was accaptable. However when a friend came round to my house and pointed out that I was rude to her I was shocked.

As an adult it's easier to make a concious effort to improve our relationships. For example, I would say I am quite shy, however I make an effort (force myself) to speak up at work because it's what people expect and helps me in the long run. When I was a child speaking up usually resulted in whatever situation getting worse, so I am trying to unlearn the 'training' to be quiet.

I think the majority of people can over come the problems from their childhood. They just need to see there is something to rectify.