I'm not trying to pass the buck....

[Calla]

But I appear to have slightly fallen off the wagon again BUT only after some people let me down....again!!

I feel that a lot of my problems are due to people constantly letting me down. It makes my heart literally "fall" so deep into the dark hole. Then I think "$^%& it whats the point staying off the drink". I'm only having a couple of beers and I feel in control of that. Just I find people so damaging to me. Why can't I meet anyone who doesn't let me down or bring with them too many complications?

I have spent the week house sitting with a lovely garden, no people, brave little birds who feed right next to me....and no thought of drinking. Then as soon as I have to have any dealings with people I have reached for a drink.

Is the answer to go and live in the middle of a forest do you think?

[IrmaJean]

Hi Calla. It's good to see you back on the forum.

What is it during these moments that makes you reach for the bottle, Calla? The drinking is a means of escape from something, numbing painful feelings, putting fears away...What do you think it could be?

[Calla]

Hi and thank you.

I just can't find people that don't make me feel bad and more lonely than if I am on my own. To be clichéd, I am never more alone than when I am surrounded by people. To give one example...I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and joined an exercise class at my gym to meet new people, this was last year. I made friends with 3 married couples....anyway, LONG story short....fast forward a year and I've had trouble with one of the husbands asking me to go away for the weekend!! So now I feel too awkward to go. No encouragement from me I have to add.

This is THE story of my life, that sort of awkward problematic thing happens all the time when I try to make new friends.

And tonight I was let down when I was meant to meet some people. I feel lonely but I don't really like being with people....this kind of conflict makes me find it hard to cope with it....it's a sort of paradox that I can't find a solution for. So I drink to get rid of it. I can't think what else to do sometimes.

[Catmom]

And tonight I was let down when I was meant to meet some people. I feel lonely but I don't really like being with people....this kind of conflict makes me find it hard to cope with it....it's a sort of paradox that I can't find a solution for. So I drink to get rid of it. I can't think what else to do sometimes.

Did they cancel the get-together then? Drinking can numb you for awhile but I think you know that it just makes you feel worse in the long run or you wouldn't be trying to quit.

My addictions (gambling and prescription drugs) have told me many lies over the years. A favorite was something to the effect of " "You suck, your life sucks, why don't you just go gamble to make the pain go away?" Now I am able to ask that addictive part of myself: "Pray tell, just how will gambling, losing all my money, and ultimately ending up homeless make my life suck less?" The addict part of me has no answer for this and goes away, tail between his legs, as it were.

I have found that the consequences of my addictions last far, far longer that the emotions I am trying to escape do. Even if I don't have a clever way to make pain stop, it does eventually go away.

I hope you can find some of these same answers for yourself, since the self -respect of not indulging in my addictions feels pretty darn good.

((((Calla))))

Catmom

[Calla]

They decided to go to the house of the married man I've had trouble with instead of the bar at the gym (I don't have many friends so still associate with them if I know I won't be on my own with him) but I felt uncomfortable going to the house so came home alone (again) So I know I could argue that they didn't let me down but they also switched a long standing plan.

And today I tried to arrange a night out with an old friend, she said she didnt want to go out in the evening so we had lunch. I said ok although I never have a night out and it would have been nice. When we left she said she was then going to text a friend to join her in the pub for the evening!! I mean how charming is that and she couldn't see how rude that is?!

I just really really do not like people I'm afraid. 95% of them are rude, selfish and thoughtless. But like I say I am lonely so I see no answer. And as the deep routed instinct of life is to procreate I see little point in my existence to be honest. So may as well drink myself into a numbness and wait to die.

Having said that I am having a alcohol free sat night....which is the hardest night for me. It's the night people are traditionally out and having fun and I am stuck in alone. So I usually drink so I don't think about it. Life sucks right now

[flat_affect]

I feel lonely but I don't really like being with people....this kind of conflict makes me find it hard to cope with it....it's a sort of paradox that I can't find a solution for. So I drink to get rid of it. I can't think what else to do sometimes.

Wow. This is the story of my life too. I can deal with not drinking on the days when I hide in the house, but after a day at work dealing with strangers I head straight for the beer. People are hard, and so are Saturday nights, but we somehow have to live with both...

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Calla and Flataffect,

What you are each describing is using alcohol as a medication to reduce the impact of the pain you are suffering. Trouble is that, while it feels temporarily good, it does not solve the real problems.

Are each of you seeing a therapist?

Allan:)

[edelweiss]

Hi everyone!

I never related so much to anything I read here, I have some problems with alcohol and eating, specially when frustrated.

I have a very hard time in keeping a social life, I get disappointed at people constantly, my expectation or needs are far too high for anyone to fit. I feel people are mean,rude and egoist but probably because I need them in a very desperate way.

Fridays I start getting nervous and weekend is a problem, I need to avoid going to the supermarket (it sounds stupid!) and sometimes I do not even leave the apartment (something that makes me feel guilty).

I cannot really give suggestions or my experience, I am just trying to lower my expectations and accepting others as they are.

I did not understand why you had to stop seeing your friends because of a stupid man, you should not be ashamed for something someone else did. He did not deserve you loosing your time with your friends.

Do not give up on people just try to discover your own way to protect you from idiots and keep away from alcohol...

Good luck

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Edelweiss,

Are you getting any psychologica help with your problems?

Allan

[Calla]

Hi Allan, I'm not seeing anyone. This is for various reasons. I choose not to speak to my doctor as he is not a nice man. And as people have spoken about before the UK is not exactly the best place to get good, affordable help.

I also choose not to take medication even if I did see the doctor, so yes I guess alcohol is my medication of choice. Sometimes I'm controlling it, sometimes it's controlling me.

And Edelweiss, I too feel that people are rude etc. I try to stay away from people a lot of the time, so alcohol is also a friend that doesn't answer back I guess. but yes, weekends are worse and I feel guilty if I don't leave my flat.

Who knows what the answers are. But it's nice to know I'm not alone

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Calla,

You are not alone at all with these problems.

I am not sure why you feel guilty if you do not go out. Instead, I would expect that you would feel lonely and isolated. Couldn't you go out and go for a walk in the park, get some fresh air, etc.?

Allan:)

[Calla]

Oh I do go out everyday. Thats why because I don't like staying in so I was just emphasising.

To be honest right now my alcohol feels like a slow suicide cause I just don't care what effect it is having. Cause I don't have a life to lose really.