Advice please. Found Gay Porn on husbands phone, he says he has Small-Penis Syndrome

[red_skys]

OK... this only happened a few nights ago so I am still 'trying to get my head around it'.

Husband gave me his mobile phone to make a few calls and went downstairs to play his xbox. I made my calls then went into his pictures ( I admit I am a little paranoid as for the past 6-9 months (since starting his new job a bus driver) there has been something 'off' and I had a notion he had cheated) I found a folder named 'JJJ' and opened it. It was pornagraphic pictures of men's penises. One was of oral sex and then there was one of two younger men (guessing age I'd say 14-17) and another one that was again a younger man/boy.

A few years ago, I happened to go into his favourites on his webbrowser account and found a website full of young boys and gay men. I then looked into his history (I am a lot more PC literate than him) and found he had been looking at various sites. All men, varying ages... and one that was a shopping site selling boys breifs! I confronted him and he claimed that he had just been following links from other porn sites.

I have nothing against porn, if he want's to look at what I'd say normal porn, then he can. But this was far from normal.

However I beleived him.

Back to a few nights ago....

We have two children, both boys. I confronted him. Turned the whole TV/computer off and showed him the phone (there may have been more pictures but I couldn't stomach looking at any more). I asked him what was this... and then told him he disgusted me and ran upstairs.

At that point I was unsure if he was Gay.. a Paedophile.. I worried for my two boys.. if he had 'done' anything to them. I didn't know what to do, did I call the police, did I ask him to explain.... It was horrible... it still is.

He came up and said he needed help. He said he didn't know why he looked at it. I asked him if he was a paedophile, he said he wasn't. He told me that when he was 13, one of his friends brothers pretended to have sex with him, and as he was at the age of just starting to notice girls and think about sex that it did something to him. I asked if he was gay, he said he didn't think so, he loved me, loved having sex with me, wanted to have sex with me, didn't want to have sex with men.

Later he told me that he looked at it to compare his penis size to them. He said that at least he was larger than the younger ones. And that he thought his penis was tiny, he hated it. Even though he knew it was not small he kept having thoughts. He had problems with using urinals because other mens penises were so much larger. His testicles are also small to him.

I told him to arrange to speak to someone and that if was lying to me I'd well, I'd do what a mother should do and protect her children any way possible.

I have since came across small penis syndrome and so I have found it easier to beleive him... But... is looking at these pictures common in men with this problem?

Or has he just made this up to cover up his 'interests'????

I don't want to loose my husband and break up my family but if he is a danger to my children I will have too.

Thanks for reading, I had to get all this out, I can't speak to anyone about it and have been trying to pretend that there is nothing wrong.

[paula]

Hi Red_Skies

I've just read your post and can honestly say, that I'm glad that I'm not in your position!

I too have Two boy's and it's a mother's instinct to protect them boy's. It's your flesh and blood isn't it?

Your in a catch 22 situation here. Do you confront the boy's and risk your marriage. Or do you say nothing and wait! But waiting could be to late and yet if your husband is telling you the truth, why? Didn't he tell you what has been on his mind for what seems like a long time.

If it was troubling him like he Say's it was, why didn't he mention something before? Before you found out! God knows how long this could of gone on if you wouldn't of stumbled across it.

That's the worst thing about it! Because you found out and he didn't tell you. Maybe it wouldn't of been that bad if he had told you. At least then he would have been HONEST with you instead of you finding out.... then you could of tried to come to terms with it and understood him a bit better.... But to find out like you did and him still trying to cover up. I wouldn't like to say if I'm honest.

You can't really chance rocking the boat incase your wrong! He shouldn't be doing it in the first place. You want to ask him, are you not enough to satisfy him. Is he that desperate that he has to look on porn sites to get his kicks. Especially with the same sex!

I'd phone someone up Anonymously. Samaritans or something and ask for a bit of advice. You don't have to give your name or anything, and see what they say. Your going to have to do something? Even if it's to clear the air.

Your not going to be able to trust him again, no matter what the outcome is. If the trust has gone between you, then it's pointless carrying on. A marriage is not going to work without trust, believe me, I've been there.

I'm sorry I can't give you any positive advice. Do what your heart tell you and follow your instinct. It never fails!

Take care

PAULA.:confused:

[xaq75]

Don't Panic!

I think it's perfectly natural to think of worse case scenarios when confronted with a sexual problem. Time will tell whats going on here.

Hmm ... what would i do? ... First, let him know that if he's touched the kids you'll kill him. Then go back to wife mode and do what woman do best ... bring out the best in a man. You'll know best how to do that with him.

[Mark]

This sort of thing that has happened could mean many things. all of your concerns could be true, but assuming that you have some trust for this man, maybe - with some reservations - you can take him at his word for the moment that he is not a risk to your children or other children, and that he is not gay. Not meaning that you should ignore feelings of danger if you feel them and not saying to trust blindly. Just - if you otherwise have a good solid relationship and no reason to doubt him - maybe he is telling you the truth.

With regard to sexual images of minors, I think you need to make clear to him (if it isnt' already) that this is completely unacceptable to you if only for the horrendous legal jepardy he would be placing your entire family in. He can look at images of penises all day if he wants to - but they must be images of legal adult penises. That is one position you might take, anyway. I'd suggest that the issue of possession of illegal pornography is somewhat separate from the issue of what it means that he has the urge to view this material; and that it may be wise for you to set a boundary for what you absolutely cannot tolerate and what is unsettling, frightening, etc. but not grounds for immediate termination of the marriage.

It's not terribly normal for a heterosexual man to be viewing gay

With regard to the "gay" issue, keep in mind that there are at least several things this could mean besides that he is homosexual or a pedophile. It could mean that he has bisexual interests, and is genuinely attracted to both women and men. It could also mean what he is saying it means; which is that he has some hangup regarding his penis and feels completely inadequate about it (this doesn't have to be rational; that's not how these things work), and is obsessively comparing himself to other men as a sort of dysfunctional effort to master the situation and not feel so inadequate. If this is the case, I'd suggest that psychotherapy is in order for him. I'd think of this as a variety of sexual fetish or maybe an anxiety disorder founded on a distorted body image (or if not a distorted body image, at least a distorted belief that all women find attractive about a man is how he looks and feels).

Calm your self down first, then when you can think straight, establish the safety of your children (that is critical) and do what you can do to get the straight story from your husband who - if he is telling you the truth - must feel very vulnerable and inadquate indeed. Try to sort this all out - keeping in mind that his trust in you as a safe person to disclose to is on the line - and that if you are wrong about the pedophile thing you could do serious damage do your marriage by overreacting.

Please let us know how this develops. I'm hoping that this is not a safety issue for your family, but rather what your husband is saying it is, and also that he will go for some help to help resolve what must be very painful for him.

[red_skys]

Firstly, thanks to everyone who replyed, it helped to talk about it in an anonymus way.

It has been a few weeks now and I thought I should update.

He has an appointment for his first session with a mental health specialist in this area (GP has reffered it as Body Dismorphic Syndrome, and has had experience of other men with this problem).

I can be sure that he has not 'touched' our kids in any way, which is ofcourse a HUGE relief.

The way my emotions work are probably not the best, in that it takes me a few days or even weeks to process issues, so I am still working through my own feelings. I have been able to talk to my husband about my feelings and we have made it through. Ofcourse, I do still have issues relating to this, feelings of unatractiveness and such that do still pop up, but we will both have to deal with this. As well as trust. It's not going to be perfect in a few weeks, but we have decided that we will get through this as a couple.

Our sex life is slowly getting back on track, again, just need to build up trust between us.

As to his feelings, I can now understand better now that the shock of finding out in the way I did is over. I suffered from Post Traumatic Stress after the birth of our second son, so I know what he means when he says 'thoughts that refuse to go away, even though I know they are wrong'.

I guess what it comes down to is that when a 'crisis' like this hits your realationship, it's like throwing a huge boulder in a pond. As well as ripples and a bit of a flood, you get some of the sludge from the bottom resurfacing, and just like a pond, it takes time to clean it all up and let it settle back down.

Things I do know,

My husband is not Gay nor Bisexual.

He is not a Paedophile.

My (Our) children are safe.

This does not mean that I am unatractive.

There is nothing wrong with his penis, I like it very much in fact.

[gordian knot]

red skys:

When you listed the "Things I Know" at the bottom of your last post, I felt such a sense of relief and victory for you. It must feel INCREDIBLE to know those things after doubting each of them in the past few weeks.

The boulder/pond analogy is SO great! You're absolutely right about the sludge!

Peace and support from a husband who has also hidden some embarassing insecurities at times...

--sean

[Catherine57]

I notice that no-one has commented on the fact that her husband had a sexualised encounter at 13. I am in a similar position in that I found my other half had posted pics of his penis on a gay hook up site. I believe i may only have half the story, but, he told me that as a young teenager he was coerced into doing a sexual act. (This person was just a few years older than him.) He then told me he posted the pics because he thought his penis was tiny and he wanted to see what others thought of it. I'd never heard of small penis syndrome so I'm gonna google it and take a look. But I'm guessing that his experience as a teenager may be a contributory factor. After all, a body is designed to respond to stimuli. So if his body responded it may be confusing him, because he knows that the experience was wrong yet his body was kinda saying it was right. I'd love to know how you're now getting on red_skys. 

[malign]

Unfortunately, Catherine, the original post on this thread was quite a long time ago;   you may not hear back from the original poster.

So I'll put in my two cents' worth.  It is possible that a sexualized encounter in youth can have an effect much later in life.  Many sexual abuse survivors are most ashamed about the fact that their bodies responded despite the fact that the sex was not in any way consensual.  That dynamic is a barrier to recovery for many of them.

But, it's also possible for men to have doubts about their penis size without having had a childhood encounter.  And it is possible for men to be gay or bisexual.  I don't know your husband, and so have no input as to which of these, or some other possibility, is the real one.

That means that I think it matters much more what your response would be to the various possibilities, if only because you might never know what actually happened to your husband.

[LostBoy]

I personally have had similar experiences. I do not consider myself gay or even bisexual (I am not attracted to men and I am very attracted to females) but many years ago when I was severely struggling with small penis issues I would post pictures of myself on gay sites as well as look at and talk to other guys.

I'm not sure but I think that my insecurities about my size led me to feel like an inadequate husband and male. By posting pics and talking to and looking at other guys I accomplished a couple of things:

1) I received affirmation that I was small compared to other men.

2) I received attention from gay men that seemed to like men who were smaller than them (dominance role) so I was getting much needed sexual attention.

I'm not saying that any of this applies to your husband but I have learned that there is typically more to something like this than it appears on the surface.

[YOTH]

I can confirm (at least about gay tendancies) that being sexualised at a young age (like myself) is extremely damaging. It can be understood and worked around, but sometimes it feels like something was switched on that is too much of a relic to be switched off. I'm not sure about the comparison side of things, I've never done that personally, but I can see how someone might use that for clarification of size or to feel useful in a sexual way, especially if feeling inadequate in a heterosexual relationship. The whole thing can be incredibly embarrassing as it brings a fleeting fantasy that lasted maybe minutes into your normal life and forces you to look at it like it's who you are really, as if everything on the surface is a lie. Now, if sexual abuse was at the core of these feelings then denial is probable, in a big way as there will be a lot of shame and anger and it'll be likely they won't want to open up at all.