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irritated and irrational and ranting


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does my psychiatrist have the rights to do this? she keeps on trying to get me to go, trying to make it seem like its my idea. it is not and i play around with it a bit, i know what she's trying to do. but there is no way on this planet i am going back to hospital! i will not go and i have told her this, she knows i am not at all enjoying our sessions at the moment and don't want to turn up. i do not even get the option of whether or not i want the apointments, i tried to cancel them today but no! the receptionist is on strict orders not to move/ change/ cancel my appointments and that she expects to see me there tomorrow. She has me seeing her 3 times a week and then my psychologist twice a week. how the hell do i get them to back off, leave me alone and understand that i do not like talking about my problems to them, or anyone in person. especially not 5 days a week! i come out of the sessions more suicidal then when i go in. Not to mention my poor savings account! RAHHHH !!!!!!:mad:

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thanks symora for replying. :(. well i am going through aparently a lot of emotional stuff at the moment, and although i am not depressed, the pain that this emotional stuff causes me is so horrible that i have been having psychotic episodes. I don't want to put up with the pain anymore/ psychotic episodes and have decided that i need to be dead + the voices in my head during the psychotic episodes are either trying to kill me or tell me that i should be dead. i guess that all the sessions are to try and make me feel better, but i don't know if it's working, hence why they want to send me to hospital. i usually go about my days ignoring my problems, and when i see them, because i have told them of them , it reminds me and i just breakdown, i haven't given them eye contact in so long. i guess the problem is that i completely believe the voices, no joke, i can see the logic to not believeing them but i guess because i feel them as well as hear them they make so much of an impact and i believe that i am in some kind of in between world where i am not dead yet but i will be. anyway it's rather comforting this in between world because it means i don't have to hide from the voices anymore and the pain is still there but i get relief from knowing that it will be gone soon. okay i could go into more depth but don't think that it is really appropriate. thanks again symora

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thanks symora (this means a lot i am very confussed atm), okay to answer your question i have been to hospital twice before. the first time wasn't as bad as the second, but the second did have a lasting impact on my mind. I am 17 yrs old (stupidly young to be dealing with this shit) so that means there is only one ward in the city that i live in that i can go to. Because i am close to my 18th birthday it means that my dr might be able to squeeze me into one of the private vicinities. My last two admissions were eating disorder issues. the eating disorder stemed from these emotional issues and i hate the head psychiatrist there. hate her. not just that i don't want to be in revolving door syndrome, i don't want to take up a bed that someone sicker than me needs. I just can't do it. I am also scared of having to face this stuff all day, while i am there, i know that i couldn't cope with this all the time, i am ashamed that i am sick... again. the worst part is now my psychiatrist is making me see her on saturadays (she doesn't even work saturdays, so i feel horrible). Yesterday when i saw her, she let me leave with making an apointment for 10 days time. then after i left she called my mum, and told her that saturdays a good idea. I hate being a minor. i am sorry but, thinking of having an apointment on saturday makes me so nervous that i am gagging. i have enough trouble with the ones during the week. thanks symora it's so good to have someone there to listen to my bitching about my 'mental help' :)

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