finding my way Posted July 18, 2010 Report Share Posted July 18, 2010 Endless forgive me for jumping in, I have only read this one post and don't know your whole story. We change self hatred by changing what we are saying to ourselves. For example, instead of calling yourself useless and pathetic, which are judgements, learn to get closer to the truth and closer to standing with you, not against and apart from you. Instead it can be: "I feel confused. I stand with me in my confusion." Then list things that don't confuse you, like " a flower opening to the sun does not confuse me." Then a few that do confuse you "my relationship to family members confuses me" without calling yourself pathetic or useless.... see what I mean?I wish you well today! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted July 19, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 19, 2010 ........... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted July 23, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 23, 2010 Dear Moon. What you said was neither forward or disrespectful. Your caring words made me feel as though you were here, holding my hand, and though it made me cry I was crying at your kindness and not from sorrow.You seem able to verbalize what I am feeling better than I am able to. Yes I have internalized everything and blamed myself most of all. When you are told over and over that you are worthless, stupid, unlovable and a burden then you get to believe it must be true. I stopped thinking that anything I may feel say or do had any worth a long time ago. I want to be invisible, just curl up in some dark corner and never have to come out. I know this will probably sound stupid after all the years that have passed but one of the reasons I am still not really accepting of my life here is that I feel it would be 'giving in' that they will have won. That they beat me. (I know it makes no sense really. I want to get back at 'them' by not living .)My brother doesn't take any of my money. A few years ago I had saved up enough money that I wanted to invest in something to ensure I had a nest egg for when I could no longer work. To cut a long story short, I couldn't find anyone to help me with my plan, by 'anyone' I mean a man of course. I ended up investing it in stocks about which I knew nothing. The market crashed and I lost most of my money. I stopped keeping a diary or journal years ago when I realised that my father and brother had been searching through my belongings and reading what I wrote. My laptop is password protected for that reason.Thank you again Moon. Kindness brings me to tears quicker than any abuse could. I'm used to the abuse, i'm not as used to kindness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaLa Posted July 23, 2010 Report Share Posted July 23, 2010 Hello, Endless,I'm so happy to se what and how Moon was able to write and how she made feel you so good! I'd like to pass you a hug, too... (((((M.))))) the reasons I am still not really accepting of my life here is that I feel it would be 'giving in' that they will have won. [...] I know it makes no sense really.On the contrary: It does make sense and I'm sure it's pretty commun. Sometimes that kind of feeling can really be the only motivation to live!It's awful that your dad and brother read your diary!!! This is, I think, one of the worst things one can psychically do to another.It's so great that you have your labtop and the access to the internet!!! I'm so glad that you're here and that so great people as Moon and others communicate with you! It's beautiful even to read... (And it makes me - as usualy - so... uncertain... that I... probably can't be so supportive even if I try, what's sad, but... I think as I'm not the only one here, the effects of our posts can be additive, so... ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted July 23, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 23, 2010 LaLa thank you so much. (((hugs))) are much appreciated. ((())) hugs you back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaLa Posted July 23, 2010 Report Share Posted July 23, 2010 Thank you, too... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted July 25, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 25, 2010 Moon, thank you for all you say.Maybe at one time in my life I would have considered killing myself to 'get back at them', but that time is long past. If I long for death now, it's because I want peace, that's all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Symora Posted July 25, 2010 Report Share Posted July 25, 2010 Endless, I have to admit I want to go over there and ring your brother's neck... I have been very enriched by your conversation with Moon, I so appreciate that you are both here with us... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endlessnight Posted July 28, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 28, 2010 Hi Moon, hi Symora.I hope that also is in the past, because now you do have us.Thank you for your compassion and kindness.I may be wrong and if I am I apologize but I have a feeling your brother dislikes you because you are the last person left that reminds him of his past. He may even see you as a threat because you are not married. He is concerned with his own social status.Moon, you understand things so well! I think you are right in what you say about him.I don’t know what your mail situation is but please let me know if you need books or anything that I can mail to you, or to a friend who can give it to you secretly.Mail here goes through a central post office, you have to go there to post anything and to pick up any mail, and I don't have a P.O. Box there. My brother does. Thank you for your kind offers though. You don't know how much it means to me.Oh and Symora, as for the neck wringing..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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