Blown it again :(

[Calla]

Oh Man, it really hurts. I am feeling physically quite unwell (I am so unable to cope with emotion) I'm off my food as well...which is quite rare for me but I can't bring myself to eat. Pathetic isn't it. I'm just using up all my strength to not turn to the drink right now.

I did text one of my friends who knows a bit of the story (but not about my depression) she said he is probably feeling a bit of an ego dent too as I didn't run into his arms!! And that we always keep having these blips but we always end up back communicating somehow. But thats not necessarily a good thing. We are going to meet for coffee soon. I dont want her to think I only meeting her to moan about this though. But most of the time I know she has a busy life and wait for her to contact me.

See I still end up defending him in away though. Guessing he was hurt by me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I did feel a lot of :mad: earlier and somehow thats easier. Now I feel a bit and :confused:

[Calla]

I feel like I'd quite like to talk a bit about my past with relationships and some things I have been through but not sure where to post it. I guess it should be a blog but I'd appreciate people's comments.

I feel as if I am suffering some sort of heavily delayed PTSD. Although I appreciate people have been much worse. I just think maybe I am ready to lay it all out, something which I have never really done.

[Calla]

I've written a thread in this section about it. Maybe it's too long and people don't know what to say.

I can't stop crying this morning. And I've got an interview about some work in a few hrs. They will probably be able to tell as my eyes always swell up. I don't know how to stop.

I know some people don't understand worrying about what other people think. But this whole episode has set me back months. For the first time in my whole life I have tried to open up to someone about this and they don't want to ever speak to me again. I can't believe he could be so hurtful.

Mostly I get so angry. When he said how much he liked me I got angry and called him a liar because I can't believe anyone would really like me. I get angry because he is putting me in a position I don't want to be in. Having to tell someone to leave me alone when deep down I just want them to hug me and tell me it's going to be ok. But I don't trust him. And when I told him about the depression and he didn't respond quite how I thought I told him that I'd only told him because I wanted him to leave me alone.

I deserve the response I'm getting now don't I? But I thought we had sorted things out by the end of the night. He said he still wanted to talk to me etc. But then i think he has had time to think about everything hence telling me to never contact him again. Thing is this is a very long story about the two of us and he is no angel. And can never take responsibility for anything. So I'm not completely at fault.

However, I do itover again. I get so angry with people who get too close. I "turn" on them. Make some excuse to be nasty so that they go away. And then hurt about it for weeks. Stupid isn't it?

[Calla]

Thank you by the way for listening to me

[Calla]

Well I managed to stop crying long enough for the interview. I have glasses that I use to hide my eyes, so that helps.

Was interesting though. She talked a lot about the power of the mind and its healing ability. I kept thinking "oh if only you knew me better!!"

I don't know why this has all hit me so bad. I've been through this sort of thing a million times with this bloke, although not with any mention of depression. I should have walked away ages ago. Just when I get over something he comes back and disrupts my mental calm. Time to move on. I've been hurt and I've hurt him....lets call it a draw and stop the game!

[Calla]

Yes I love music and it does help me sometimes. I like the idea of a theme tune but not really sure what would fit. need to think about that.

Yes I have another thread. Its abit long winded though. I hope it wasn't too long.

I feel a bit brighter like I am coming through a real low. Still off my food though which is a bit worrying and not something usual for me But yes protected me at all costs is key for me. I can cope more with hurting myself than with someone else hurting or humiliating me....this definitely stems from my past.

[Calla]

Sorry for going on about this. I don't really mind talking to myself, I'm just getting it out of my head. Saw "the guy" tonight, can;t avoid him because of where he works. Anyway we have the weirdest most dysfunctional relationship I've ever known. He was really sweet to me. Most of our "friendship" has been played out over text and email as i am shy and having a laugh when we do bump into each other at his work.

Anyway we have this huge row and then today it's like nothing has happened. And he was a bit sweet, making jokes and trying to make me laugh. I've come to the conclusion that as he is young he just doesn;t know how to deal with all this. So his way of trying to make peace was to make me laugh.....his beautifully simplistic view that making me laugh will make me happy and "ok" again. Thats how it seemed to me anyway. I know that I need to leave it behind now but we are always drawn back to each other. Maybe if he was a bit older and wiser it would be different.

Anyway the important thing is we have made a bit of a truce and that helps me a LOT.

Thank you for all your help with this

[Calla]

See now, because the anger has subsided i think maybe I should get back into contact. This is where the weird "hold" comes from. I don't think for one minute that he is "the one" or anything really worth a future, thats the weird thing. But I keep being pulled back. But he truly is the only person to show an interest. What if I am throwing away a really fun fling....would a fun fling be so bad?

I still find the whole relationship thing very confusing because of my "walls"

This won;t mean much to most of you but everytime I think about doing something rash I think "Cheryl Cole", she is quite famous in the UK and behaved with such dignity through a messy divorce. She;'s a bit of an "english sweetheart" so I use her story to make me retain dignity!!