Would just like to know what people think I guess.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Calla,

I do not think of you as "pathetic." My guess is that you think of yourself that way. Why are you feeling so bad these days? Did anything happen?

Allan:(

[Calla]

Just life I guess.

[Calla]

I was just thinking about this. Sometimes nothing has actually happened. I guess if you're depressed there doesn't always have to be anything. It's just life in general. It's why I started this thread trying to work out how I got here. It's a combination of a lifetime of things I cant handle. I've been thinking about it because since the moment I opened my eyes this morning I've been trying to keep control and not start crying. Cause once it starts it lasts But there is no new special reason. I just have a weak broken brain

[Calla]

It started Thats another day lost in the fog.

[Calla]

Yes you are right. I don't really understand myself. I guess I don't feel worthy of help or friends. But I also think help is not going to make me suddenly likeable or attractive so there's no point really.

Today was worse. I opened my eyes this morning and burst into tears, before I even knew how I was feeling!

But yes the tears come randomly. Sometimes I feel like I take on a world of pain when I see things other people wouldn't even register. Mind you good and bad things. I saw my neighbours with a tiny puppy and burst into tears. I saw a man outside a shop who looked like the type of person who would be bullied at school staring at the ground and looking sad and I cried. I saw a rather butch looking man playing with his cat in my street and cried. The pattern is I see something, I cry! Perhaps I am just taking on the pain so others don't have to, to go back to my Dalai Lama quote.

I've just been feeling a bit "why me?" lately which doesn't help.

I think I can tell you where most of it comes from. My issues with my looks....wherever that has stemmed from. It has caused 99% of my problems.

Thank you for being a concerned cyber friend Hope you are well.

[Calla]

It's strange that you should say that because of 2 things. Firstly I have been writing a blog trying to name 3 things every day that I am glad about. It's hard at the lowest times though. But also today I bought a perfume I used to wear a few years ago which I remember being a good time. I think smell is the most powerful emotion. When I went through some terrible times with my ex I had a vanilla air freshener in my car...now if I smell it I cry, mad isn't it? So on the flip side I bought this perfume hoping it would be evoke some happy memories.

My biggest concern is that I have never been truly happy....alcohol has played a huge part in my life. I was only when I stopped going out drinking all the time or being hungover that I have realised how disaffected I am.

One thing is my work. When I am functioning well. I feel that being over sensitive is actually an advantage in my work. It made someone cry the other day...which I know sounds awful but actually it was a terribly senstive subject and the way we "created" evoked the emotions it was meant to. I am always a bit of a "moral" conscience. Many a time I have pointed out something that would be offensive to many and the other people involved had not noticed at all. And also my work will be there for many years to come, so I feel I have made a mark on the world. My personal life will never leave a mark, no family or friends to miss me etc. But my work will be there for generations to see, if they so wished. I am rambling again sorry.

[Calla]

I should just be completely honest (otherwise whats the point) I am still having terrible struggles with alcohol. Just nothing like it used to be.

[Calla]

I'm a video editor. I've worked on programmes that will always be there on tape (as long as humans are around I guess!) But I also work a lot on news programmes (something which I think contributes to my depression in truth!) but that is where I am mostly useful as a moral conscience ...."you can't say that" "you can't show that" etc. But I can't be the only one of 6 billion that would find something offensive so I like to think I do my bit!

I do try and do small things to help myself. The worst thing is i have been trying to give up alcohol and I feel much worse! It is the only think I can look forward to normally !

[Calla]

Wow thats cool. Working on hollywood films doing anything sounds good!! Better than the stuff I do. Must be a tough industry to get into.

I do feel that it has had a negative impact on my mental health. But also now my mental health is stopping me from reaching my full potential. I turned down a bit of work recently because I don't feel I can face it. And I can't "sell myself". I'm lucky to get anything really.

I was trying to cut back on sugar as well. Maybe thats what made me worse then? But I ended up drinking last night. I feel so annoyed at myself. But while I had a drink I wasn't crying. Now I feel awful and haven't been able to get out of bed yet And desperately trying not to cry again. I don't want to cry anymore. And as I am paranoid about my looks....crying is also very ageing.

So I just have to keep trying I guess and get back on the wagon. But there is no one to hold my hand either and no real reason to try hard.

[Calla]

It started again I'm so sick of crying. This is the worst I have been for a long time.

[Calla]

At least I have a job?!? this is not a competition...I work 3/4 days a month and the rest of the time sit at home. I'm sorry you don't have a job but that shouldn't be used to make me feel bad about how I am feeling Even if I worked full time it wouldn't mean I should suddenly not be depressed.

[IrmaJean]

Calla, I'm sorry you're feeling so down today.

Where did you ever find the photo of a polar bear slipping on ice? This is proof that all of us have our moments!

I hope this wave of emotions settles down for you soon.

[Calla]

I don't want children. Never have done. I also feel that even if I did want a family I would never pass on such horrendous genes, thats not fair.

My biggest fear is not ending up alone because thats what I've chosen for myself. My biggest fear is someone humiliating me. People laughing at me. That doesn't happen when you are alone.

My only regret is that I am not brave enough to end my life now rather than sitting here watching it pass by. Any amount of medication or counselling is not going to change the fact that I am unattractive and thats what our image obsessed society places great importance on. Only vast amounts of surgery will do that. Thats why I have decided not to see a doctor.

[IrmaJean]

You know the saying...beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I have found in the past that when I began feeling affection for someone for who they were inside, I naturally began to appreciate their whole self beauty and they became more attractive to me. It's Calla's face and that is something to appreciate. I know it's hard for you to consider this when you're feeling badly right now. I hope you feel better today, Calla.

[Calla]

I don't really think it's all about seeking out men really. I have a lonely life but its about having no friends as well. Not all about a man. I'm not a very likeable person....again meds won't make any difference to that.

The thing with my looks holds me back in all types of ways. I can't look people in the eye when I feel really bad because I am ashamed, this doesn't help people want to be my friend. I am embarrassed trying to get work in case I am judged on that as well as my work. etc etc.

And the man in the gym was just after yet another notch on the bedpost. We have a term for it which is vulgar and I won't use but I ometimes men play a game where they try and sleep with someone not very nice. And the whole situation has deeply affected me.

[IrmaJean]

I like you, Calla.

Medications might free up your mind enough from the depression so that you may freely see the likable aspects of yourself. I understand your reluctance with this, but maybe it could help? Your decision, of course.

It's never too late to make friends.

[Endlessnight]

Hi Calla. I'm sorry you have been feeling so down.

For years I was so depressed that I couldn't even see it or get help for myself. Because of some health issues I had I finally realised I needed to see a psychiatrist. The meds he put me on have given me some relief. Coming here, to this site would have been impossible for me before I started taking the meds.

I'm not saying that if you see a pdoc and take meds everything will be okay; it doesn't work like that, but they can help. They might at least get you out of this idea that you are not likable. Maybe if you weren't so hard on yourself you would be able to see that you are worth knowing, worth being friends with. I wish you the best. Take care.

[Calla]

I do actually know that he was just after sex. You can't postively comment on something if you don't know the facts. Men here play a game called "pull a pig". OK enough said.

[Sweetsara]

...........

[Calla]

My best friend growing up suffered from BDD. If Calla has this then berating her for how she sees herself only hurts her more. She can't help how she thinks of herself. My BF was actually very pretty but that's wasn't what she saw in pictures or in the mirror. Calla I'm sorry for how he made you feel. You're entitled to your feelings. Someday maybe you will feel strong enough to get counseling to help you. For now I think you show great strength in just coming here and opening yourself up. It's very hard. I'll put it this way I think you are maybe the 2nd or 3rd person I've ever replied to on here because i think what I have to say doesn't matter and people will just tell me to go away.

Thank you so much for your reply. I really do appreciate that. It's not something that many people understand. I want to get help but its just too hard...in case the Dr laughs and thinks I am just ugly not unwell. What you had to say really did matter to me, so thank you for writing it

[Calla]

Skynight and the rest of us never had a chance to know Calla was suffering from BDD. That changes everything. We were not giving her the support she needed because of it. I learned something new tonight. It all makes sense now.

(I still can't multi quote so had to do it seperately!! )

I have mentioned it a few times before but I post so much over so many threads that it got lost out there somewhere!! Less is more sometimes!!

[Calla]

May I politely ask you not to reply to any more of my threads. I assume this isnt breaking any rules. Thank you.

[Calla]

I will qualify that with why I ask. I have suffered for many years and only in the last few months have made the step to come here and talk about it. So being constantly bombarded with people telling me to go to see someone face to face is NOT helping. And I have my reasons for that.

And I think I am quite an intuitive person and your replies have a distinct air of attitude and distain for me. You do not understand how it is for me. And you are just attacking everything I say. Will a therapist do that? If so I don't want to see on anyway thanks. I came here for support and understanding not a "oh it's all in your head get some help" response. If I am in the wrong place then fine I will move on.

Also there are no rules in life. I don't have to get help, I don't have to live a good fufilled life, I don't have to get out of bed each day. There must be a certain amount of happiness/pain floating around the world. I just have an unequal balance and good luck to who ever got my share.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Skynight,

Please try to not feel offended. In my opinion, its more important to understand that Calla (and others) is in a lot of pain and, in that pain, she hits out. The idea is for all of us to be more tolerant of one anther and not take it personally when one of us gets angry.

Allan

[Calla]

If I was truly hitting out I would say something offensive and personal which I never have done. I was simply stating that skynights replies show a certain amount of annoyance with me. And I am not shocked that but I'm just not interested in more criticism when I do enough of that to myself.

You have just proved my point anyway that your replies contain a certain amount of venom.