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I will never be free


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I ran away, literally, from my abuser on December 17 2006. He came home from work drunk (again), yelled at me because I wasn't sitting the right way (typical), starting telling some incomprehensible tale of getting into a fight at work (again). I could tell from the look in his eyes it was going to be a bad night, one of "those nights". I put my daughter (she was 13 months old at the time) in her stroller, grabbed her coat and ran away. We didn't have a car so I walked the mile to work and wandered around there for an hour or so. Anyway, I got out and stayed with friends and eventually got my own place and a car. My daughter is now nearly 3 and she is beautiful and sweet and amazingly well adjusted, considering that for the first 13 months of her life, and all through my pregnancy, she was witness to daily emotional, verbal and physical abuse rained on me by her father. He wasn't a hitter, and according to him I had it easy. All he ever did was choke, smother, drag, shove, dislocate, terrorize, hold hostage, accuse, scream, yell, hurl invectives and humiliate. I had it lucky. I'm lucky that the time he put his shotgun in my face and pulled the trigger, it was emtpy and he laughed. He thought it was hysterical that I was so afraid I actually lost control of my bladder. He thought that when he held me down, kicking and crying when he had sex with me, I wanted it. I wanted him. I have not yet gone to court to get full custody of my daughter. I don't know why, or what's wrong with me. I don't want ever to be with him again, I wish he would disappear from the earth. He calls and harrasses me and in a matter of seconds I am non-functional and nearly hysterical. i KNOW I am giving him power, I KNOW I deserve better, I know know know but what I don't know is how will I ever be free? How will I survive mentally and emotionally until I am? I am at the edge. I am afraid. My mental duct tape is badly frayed and I haven't got another roll. I need help.

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Hi Alicia

You've got to be strong! Even if it's only for the sake of your little girl! Don't let this man, manipulate you! Like you said, this is what he wants. Don't give him any ammunition to fire.

Just wash your hands of him for good! If he phones, just hang up. If he seeks you out, report him to the Police as harassment. Get an injunction out on him. Inform the Police of how he has treated you in the past.

Even though I don't approve of lieing. If needs be, then lie. Tell every damn lie that you can think of? Anything, to keep him as faraway as possible, from you and your daughter.

If it means, packing your bags and leaving where you are now, then do it. Have you not got a Social Worker that you can go to and inform of the past situation, regarding your husband. You'd think that they would help you, especially with a 3yr old child involved. Explain, that he's a danger to you and your daughter.

I'm sorry I couldn't give you anymore advice. Good luck! & TAKE CARE!

Paula x:(

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