I've become ugly again

[Calla]

Hmmm. yes and no. I see what you mean. But this has been going on for 2 yrs and i think he knows a bit about me know....I've done worse shall I say!!

And just suppose I am wrong and he is actually hoping I will get in touch (which has happened before)

but I know you are right. I am just trying to talk myself out of maintaining a dignified silence! Tonight sucks. It's now bed time but lying in the dark and silence is sometimes too much

[Jetliner]

..........

[Calla]

Sorry I've been keeping you from things

I'm a time waster really. it's why a lot of people have learnt not to bother replying to me. You just haven't learnt that yet. it doesn't take long.

I'm a fake here.

[Calla]

I can;t stop the visuals of being beaten up. It's now 2.30am here, maybe I should walk the streets so someone can knock all the evil out? Which they prob would round here at this time. I feel like I need to be hurt by someone. Or smack my face on the edge of of the table

[Jetliner]

..........

[Calla]

Opps, never going to get out of this am I?

[Calla]

Sorry if you're all bored of me now?! But I was just thinking. For the first ever time I opened up to someone about my depression and they rejected me and told me never to contact them again. That hurts...that's fair enough right? So that makes me feel ugly. Not so hard to understand I suppose if you think about it.

And I am angry at myself. Because although it hurts, I miss my friend

That makes me feel stupid, which makes me feel ugly.

[IrmaJean]

Hi Calla. I'm not bored. I'm just a bit exhausted from work and such. I haven't read the past few pages or so, but will go back and do that. I did, however, have a thought if you feel open to listening to it.

Remember how you mentioned yesterday that your kindness wasn't as important to you as your appearance? I was thinking...how about making it more important? Give the power to what you feel is a strength and to something that you like about yourself. Try shifting your focus to the positive.

I've been studying in school about self-efficacy. This is basically how any one person feels they effect and impact their environment. Making a positive impact helps us to feel good about ourselves. Then we begin placing ourselves in the position to have success in our endeavors. Each success builds upon the others and our confidence and feelings of self-efficacy begin to grow.

At any rate, perhaps focusing more on what feels good and what we like about ourselves may lessen some of the pain of what we don't like about ourselves. Although I have no doubt that your beautiful, Calla.

[Calla]

I think I was just bored of myself really. So expect other people to be. Sometimes seems like my name takes up to much space on this forum. But I just come here and spill it all out as and when I feel it because I don't have anyone to talk to.

I'm not sure how to do what you've suggested. I know people strongly disagree with this but I've just got to the point where I feel like I can't do this on my own. And I don't mean a Dr, I mean a friend or partner to make me feel I am worth liking or loving. Maybe that would be motivation to change. As it is none of it really matters. I am just rotting away on my own and if no one cares why should I? There is no point in working hard for something that doesn't matter.

But thank you for your suggestion.

[Calla]

I think perhaps I'll retreat from here again. I'm not a strong enough person to take the advice. And I'm clearly not helping anyone even when I try.

It;s making me paranoid again. But thank you for all the time you have invested in me....sorry the shares plummeted!!!! x

[IrmaJean]

Please don't leave, Calla. We accept you and want you here.

[Calla]

Thank you but I don't think many people feel the same. I realise now that I don't have any mental health issues and belong on a teenage angst advice column. As people have said "get over it and get on with it"

The only problem I do seem to have is paranoia and I just can't help thinking people hate me here and other posts are having a veiled go at me...a problem I have had in most social groups hence having no friends.

I can't even be of use to other people, so there's not much point in coming here to be honest. Time to just bury myself in some meaningless tv and pull my socks up.

[Jetliner]

..........

[IrmaJean]

I'm going to throw something out there, Calla, and maybe you can decide whether it fits. I am just wondering and I could be wrong, but...could it be that you are fearful that we do like you? I know sometimes for me the very things I wish for are what frighten me the most.

I like you, Calla.

[Jetliner]

..........

[Calla]

Thank you.

But most of the time I just get the impression people are getting at me. But yes if people are too close then they have more power to hurt you I guess.

But as Jetliner says some people can handle stuff better. I become quite distressed about things that some people wouldn't even notice had happened Does that make me depressed or just unable to deal with things. But I'm going to throw my hands up and quit I'm afraid. A few yrs ago I was completely isolated for about 3yrs. No communication on internet, no complications with men. And although I spent 99% of my time on my own I was ok. It's only after all this stupid stuff happened with this man that I became worse. Because it made me wonder if I was missing something. If I can just go back to watching tv and not talking to anyone I can get back to how I was then. I was basically the walking dead but I didn't cry or get upset. I didn;t care enough about anything.

I've said before that I thought people with depression would be a bit the same as me and understand but I'm not sure they do. Most people here talk about partners and friends etc. I don't have those things, it's why I'm here so much. Obviously I'm happy for everyone but perhaps need a recluse forum?

[Jetliner]

..........

[Calla]

Just existing I guess,,,but existing happier than I am now. So I'd like to get back there. I suppressed all sexual feelings if I am honest. That is what made a difference. Sex and money....root of all evil hey?! So if I can do that again I think I will be ok.

One thing I have learned in the last few days which might just help someone is to just let myself think. My problem is I am quite obssessive (no really!!?? ) 9times out of 10 it's a man but not exclusively. And my mind has this endless whirl of thoughts about anything bothering me. Then I beat myself up about not being able to stop thinking about it and tell myself I'm pathetic for being so obssessed. Well you know what....thats my brain and thats how it works. And telling myself to stop is like the old cliché of telling someone not to think of a pink elephant with blue spots....then what is the one thing you think of!!

So now I'm just letting it happen....let the thoughts come and go as they please. Until my brain has worked through whatever it has to. And I do feel a bit better for that. Going easy on myself. I've been listening to some good music today as well.