I just can't do it anymore

[IrmaJean]

You aren't wasting my time. I like you, Calla, and I want you to get well. I hope you want that for yourself, too. I hate that you are being constricted in this by not being able to get the help you want. 2 weeks? I don't suppose there are any free clinics there in the UK? Somewhere to go for an emergency?

[Calla]

Thank you. I don't think there is anywhere. I don't know. I just feel soooooooo stupid. I have made an absolute disaster of everything. leaving someone thinking I am a complete weirdo stalker. But we just saw things from totally different perspectives. he thought we were having fun, I thought I was talking to someone special.

And I was hurt and really blasted him out the water with my anger.

This is the story of my life. Idiot.

Oh please someone help me make it stop

[Calla]

Calla I wish I were in the UK - I'd gladly hold your hand on the way to the doctor's. I know what you mean about being able to be a superhero for others in a crisis but not for yourself.

If it ever really gets down to "why go on", use your parents. You sound like a very caring person and I know you wouldn't want to leave them with that kind of pain. I use my daughter in the same way. It's ok for me to be miserable, but not to make her miserable.

Besides, I'd really rather go out on a high note, and lately it's all been tuba. We deserve better.

I'm looking for some cheap flights as we speak

How are you feeling?

[flat_affect]

Are you on any meds for depression, Calla? I know you hate drugs but I can't recall if you have a prescription. If you don't, I'd suggest going into your local emergency room and talking to someone. Contrary to popular paranioa, they won't lock you up unless you're an active danger to yourself, so as long as you don't say "Look doc, I'm gonna off myself as soon as I leave here" you're ok. I've resigned myself to having to take some kind of antidepressants for the next long while, and while I don't like doing it, it does help lift the impenetrable bleakness and let you begin to reason a bit more clearly. You're not stupid or useless or doomed, you just have alternative brain chemistry, just like me, and many others here. No more shame in taking psych meds than in taking insulin. If you are on meds, maybe it's time to get them re-evaluated as the wrong mix is as bad as nothing at all.

I found this link for resources in the UK, maybe there's something here for you:

http://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/information/getting-help/

--Sean.

[flat_affect]

LOL we crossed responses. I'm doing ok today. How are you?

[Calla]

haha, I just bumped your thread back to the top too but you just bumped me back up!!

Thank you so much for that, that was really nice of you. The first thing I read was if you dont have a good relationship with your Dr go somewhere else.

I don't like the idea of taking meds really. I don't really know if I am chemically unbalanced or just weak and unable to deal with normal life. How do you know?

I'm ok(ish) the mornings are always worse and as the day goes on things get slightly better. but I hate crying cause it always shows and now I can't really leave the house!!

[flat_affect]

I really don't see you as weak, Calla. For one thing, you're still here, and you've fought against the kind of spiritual pain that most ppl will never know. Not only do you keep on, but you have the space in your heart to truly care about other people's problems and respond to them here. You even had the guts to take a shot at having a relationship with someone. Maybe it didn't work out, but it was a hard thing to do, and I'm proud of you for it.

As for the meds, again, if you were diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, you wouldn't think "well I'm weak if I take that insulin so I'll just tough it out," would you? No, you'd grit your teeth, get used to the needles and carry on. I'm not saying meds are a magic bullet, but they can help level out the tricks your head enjoys playing on you. The fact that you're worse in the morning then slightly better during the day sounds a lot like my cycle, and I can tell you for damn sure that I'm chemically imbalanced (and prone to wandering). I think you owe it to yourself to find out.

Feel free to PM me anytime if you want to know more about my experiences with medication, or if you just want to talk offline. If you'd like, I'll send you my email address as well.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Calla,

Flat_Affect is giving you good advice.

By the way, no one likes to take medication. Yet, it is something we must do to maintain our health. The brain is another organ in the body and it misfires, just like other organs do. Medication helps get the brain function right again.

Having said that, I still believe that the real answer is psychotherapy.

I thought health was socialized in the UK and that health care was available regardless of money??

Allan

[Zahra]

Calla,

I don’t say much in this forum because it’s hard for me to talk about myself. But I do read it. In some ways you are my hero for being able to express your despair. I think many of the things you write. I’m the very opposite of you in many ways – I have a very active social life if I would just participate in it, and whatever else – but I still think the same things you do. I agree it seems unfair for family members to be a source of guilt, what keeps us from doing what we want to and killing ourselves. I guess that at least shows we still care about them. But I resent that I feel like I can’t kill myself because of the effect it would have on my family.

So it seems unfair to place this burden on you again, but I have come to admire you in reading your posts, and am pulling for you. I would miss you if you were gone.

I’m sorry I can’t be a cheerier cheerleader, but I am sincerely glad you’re hanging out online with the rest of us online people.

Zahra

[Calla]

Thank you everyone. I wish I had learnt how to multi quote so that I could reply to certain bits but thats been beyond me so far!!

It means a lot to know that people are there and reading. I sometimes worry I come out with too much rubbish.

So Flat_affect, I would like to ask somethings, if thats ok. They will probably make me sound stupid and awful so will pm you. And thank you for not thinking badly of me.

And Zahra, I'm sorry you feel the same as me about ending it. It is a hard thing that guilt is the one thing that keeps us here, not something joyful! It;s nice to hear from people even just to know I'm not alone. I do often worry I just post too much but if it helps just one other person even in a small way I am glad.

And Allan, I agree that it's probably therapy thats needed. As it's clear I have no problem stating my feelings once I get started, to strangers that is! It's complicated here. It's understaffed, underfunded and depression is still very misunderstood and stigmatised I feel. Even with experienced Drs. They go down the cheapest easiest route. And a huge majority feel people are just using the label depression so they don't have to work or because they are a bit down.

And so I am most likely to be put on medication and told to go away. No therapy. Then therapy will probably involve a LONG waiting list and then 1 or 2 session when I do get there.

I found the Mind organisation worth a look on that link and the website was under construction. And the mental health checker which is the first step on the NHS site wasn't working. Every get the feeling someone is trying to tell you something!

I have taken a few small steps today to just make things a bit better. Not therapy wise just personally. But here is my usual day at the moment....wake up, open eyes with dread, think "oh no" and burst into tears. Stay in bed till 1pm, start to feel hungry, get up eat something feel slightly better. 3pm...HAVE to get out of my flat as I feel suddenly claustrophic. Spend the afternoon in coffee shops so I'm not on my own. Manage to go to the gym as I seem to be able to do this even on the worst days. Feel a bit pepped, 7pm HAVE to go home as feel suddenly agrophobic. Go to bed dreadin the morning.

The thing is I cant find the way to the Drs until I've come out of the fog

Thank you all for not telling me to just shut up.