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Losing my grip on life


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I was diagnosed with bipolar II a few years ago and BPD last december after a nervous breakdown and hospitalization.

A few months ago I quit my enormous amount of medication as they were causing me so many excruciating side effects. Although this was initially going to be reduced with doctors supervision I went on a spate of what I can only consider self harm as I quit the meds cold turkey. I know that I wanted it to hurt, I thought that my illness made me deserve to hurt.

None of the doctors had ever taken me that seriously and in one instance the doctor admitted to me he only ever gave me the meds to keep me quiet. They seemed to be under the impression that I wanted to feel as bad as I did, and that I wanted to have the things in my head that I did in order to gain sympathy.

I doubt that many people can say that they have never overemphasized something in order to get some form attention, I know I have, but I also know that I never told my doctor or psychiatrist that anything was going on if it wasn't. I wanted these things to go away. Sympathy does not help and so soliciting it would have done me no good whatsoever.

Anyway, things seemed to be going fairly ok for a little while once the withdrawals subsided. I took up my song writing and poetry again and even managed a little painting. Work was going ok, they had threatened my job but I had managed to argue my case successfully. It looked like, for the time being, I had found a way to co-habitat with my demons.

Now they are resurfacing. My sleep is becoming increasingly disrupted. I find it difficult to focus on any one thing and nothing seems to bring me pleasure. Work provides a sanctuary, a distraction. Somewhere where I can convince myself that the facade is real, that I am coping. But my home life is a different reality. Thoughts bombard my mind, nothing makes sense anymore, self-harm and suicidal thoughts are resurfacing.

All I want to do is cry but it seems that I am not even allowed that luxury. I crave pain, real physical pain that I can see and deal with. Something I can tend to and care for. If I had a broken leg I could go to the hospital and they would know just how to fix it, but this....this is like being from another dimension. Nothing to see here.....move on please.

Nothing I can say can express what I see or the thoughts that plague me, and yet as it is an unseen force, unless I do something to harm myself or another, it seems to be an ok thing to ignore. If you can't see it it's not really there.

Sorry for the essay as my first post I guess things have just been building up quite a lot.

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Obviously, you need help. One way or another? Don't think I'm being rude but, You came off your Med's Yeah! Your body has probably, just got the last of the med's out of your system.

Now you need to think! What am I to do? Do I go back on the med's and try and cope with this problem or, do I stay of the Med's for good and suffer the consequences of feeling the way I do for the rest of my life? Well I know what I'd do!

I am virtually in the same position as you, regarding your Bipolar Disorder. Only, I suffer from Manic Depression. Manic depression and Bipolar Disorder, practically the same thing.

I know how you feel regarding your mood swings, which become very heavy at times. Your self harm, I'm lucky really. I got away with suffering that.

If your not happy with the way that you was dealt with previously, then try someone new. If your not happy with the dealing's of these issues, then go and find a doctor who will take you seriously!

At the end of the day it's your health that matter's. You need help to achieve some lift in the problem's that you are facing. You also need company around you at a time like this. Something to keep you occupied. The least time that you are left on your own, the least time that you are going to have to think of harming yourself.

Get on to your doctor and explain to him, how you felt, when you was being treated last time. He has got to take you seriously! Don't let him manipulate you!


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Thank you for your reply. I am making sure that I do not get the same doctor as has been so seemingly indifferent in the past. Instead I intend to see one that I have seen in the past when mine is not available. I intend to write things down as in front of people I have a tendency to clam up.

I know that I will go as I have a severe back problem that I need to see him about anyway.

I am not convinced that I want to go back onto meds, I am considering it a possibility but I do want to explore all avenues, the pills have not been overly helpful in the past, my nervous breakdown occurred with no provocation even though I had been on the meds for a couple of years by then.

There are many possibilities available and I want to be sure that I am entering into one suited for me. Of course this will all be discussed with the doc and if pills are his suggestion then I will try it.

I understand the importance of remaining with company and although I am in the house with my b/f it is generally of little comfort. He is one who's boredom threshold knows no bounds and he finds it difficult to understand how it is impossible for me to find something to concentrate on for more than 10 seconds. The computer is upstairs (there is really no room downstairs for it) and so consequently I find myself alone a lot of the time as he does not see why he should come upstairs away from what he is doing just to keep an eye on me. Generally I find myself flicking through the internet trying to keep myself occupied (probably why I find myself rambling now lol sorry)

Anyways, time for plan Z now, a (hopefully) soothing bath then immersing my head with music and lyrics. Thanks again for your reply.

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I understand immensely what you mean about the computer situation. I also have the same problem. Only, I live, or rather my son lives with me who's 21yrs of age. He's not to bad, he has a laptop and can go freely anywhere he wants. Where as me, I'm in the comp room upstairs. Wouldn't mind, but it's the smallest room in the house and yet I spend so much time in it. Daft isn't it!

Again, I'm like you, do a lot of browsing on the net. Let's face it, that gets boring after a bit. I tend to spend a lot of time at home and don't socialize much unless I have to. Meaning to pay bills or do a bit of shopping. I tend to keep myself to myself really. Best way then I'll be keeping out of trouble.

Enough of me and back to you. Have you ever thought of herbal remedies? Or going seeing one of these Chinese doctors. They have one situated in the town where I live. Never tried her like, but I believe they are very good, especially for Depressive situations and stress related symptoms.

Like I said, try and find a Herbal remedy, if your so dead against going back on medication. You'll never know till you've tried. Just a thought! Just thought of something else! How about Yoga. I believe that takes a lot of stress out of the mind or Hypnotism?

Let me know how you get on. Take care.


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I have tried most of the herbal remedies on the market, but thanks for the suggestion, I will probably see if I can come up with any I haven't tried. A Sikh friend has offered to teach me to meditate during my work breaks. Problem is he need half an hour a day and I get only 20 mins for each break. Bloody typical lol. Gonna see what I can work out with him though, you never know.

Anyways bath has just made me feel hot and sick, not any appetite of late but prob gonna have to force myself to have something, being hungry isn't going to help anyone :)

So.......on to plan D (for desperate) i'm going for some retail therapy on amazon. This could be painful lol. Was planning in the bath what I was going to buy.

Gonna try and concentrate on some lyrics after that, dead hard to get myself going but once i'm in the zone....that sounds so lame :)

Nice to meet you and thank you once again.

All the best

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Been nice getting to know you a bit. Don't ever feel alone! Alway's log on to this site. I'm usualy on every day after t/time. U.K Time. Can alway's have a chin wag or a moan or whatever?

There's always someone on to have a dig at! Just a few words to help you on your way:

Life is to short to wake up in the morning with regret's,

So love the people who treat you right,

Forget about the one's who don't,

Believe that everything happen's for a reason,

If you get a chance, take it,

If it changes your life, then let it,

Nobody said it'd be easy,

They just promised it'd be worth it!

Paula x:D

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Hi Cyberfreak-

I'd like to say "Welcome" too. A few questions that I have for you.

1) Are you getting your psychiatric meds from a primary care doctor or a psychiatrist? The reason that I ask is that I just read a very interesting study that said that primary care doctors tend to use different meds to treat bipolar disorder than psychiatrists. I know you are reluctant to start taking meds again, but I wonder if you were on the wrong med or the wrong dosage to begin with?

2) Have you been treated by a psychotherapist? You mentioned meds, but nothing about therapy. Dialectical behavior therapy is the best therapy for BPD and definitely wouldn't hurt for the Bipolar disorder either.

3) Are you totally committed to the idea of no medication ever? I only ask because some people with Bipolar disorder need the stabilization of meds to get them to a point where they can function in daily life. Almost like a diabetic needs insulin to get to a normal level of functioning.

It would be interesting to start first with psychotherapy to see if you can get by without any meds, and then if that doesn't work, do a combination approach (which seems to work the best for most people).

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sorry I did not mention it but yes I have been in therapy and eventually it was ended by the therapist who said that I was an unsuitable candidate. This was after about 6-7 months of being in therapy. I can't really say that it helped, it more seemed to bring things up that were damaging and then leaving them hanging in thin air. This was probably due to either myself and the therapist being incompatible or simply that I was not ready to deal with some of the issues.

I have not ruled it out for the future but I don't think that for the meantime that I would like to try again, I guess the ecperience put me off quite a lot.

The previous meds were prescibed jointly by my GP and a psychiatrist, I agree that they seem to have very different views on what should be prescribed and this often led to some confusion on my part as to what was best.

I have now been rejected by the community mental health team and the primary care has been reurned to my GP. I visited him yesterday and am relieved to say that he seemed more sympathetic than I have experienced before and suggested trying again with an anti-depressant. After some consideration I agreed but only on the condition that I went back onto the one that I was taking along with the rest of the meds. My reasoning was that there were so many other pills that I was taking at the time that I did not have the opportunity to tell whether it was really working or not and I decided that the best option was to give it a shot.

Thanks for your reply. Nice to meet you.

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Hi Cyberfreak-

I am very sorry that you had a bad experience with a therapist. BOO :mad:. I hope that at some point you reconsider- remember, not all therapists are alike and not all therapists are crummy! There are some really good clinicians out there.

I will be interested to hear in your response to the antidepressant. I think it should be easier to sort out whether it is helping or not since it will be the only thing that you are introducing into your body right now.

Keep us posted!

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