Jump to content
Mental Support Community

Whats happening to me?


Recommended Posts

I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, Severe Depression, and psychosis about 2 years ago after 7 days in the mental health hospital. It's been okay, medications work for the most part.


I go thru these phases the last 1-2 months that are very strange. One day I'm so depressed, the next day I'm full of anger. The whole time I hate myself and everyone else. I think I'm having hallucinations again too. (This was known before, hence the psychosis diagnosis) For example, the other day I woke up 2 hours early because there's a mosquito flying around me. I can't stop it. The whole time I could hear it buzzing around. What makes me unsure it was not real was because I could see shadows of the mosquito in the light, but the bug was over an inch long! I felt sure god sent it to make me feel bad and punish me.

And sometimes I find myself pumping full of adrenaline because a daydream I had seemed so real. I have lapses in memory, sometimes I find myself somewhere different from where I started. I'll lose entire chunks of conversations, which is a reallly bad thing at work! Sometimes people tell me they told me something and I will have NO recollection of it, even if it was just an hour ago.

I find I can totally block out feelings of pain too (seems like a bad thing)

I also feel total mistrust of everyone. Like right now I feel like I'm a pathetic weak loser for trying to talk to someone about it. I feel everybody is weak. I tried not eating for a week because I felt like needing food was an illusion. I try to walk around with no lights on because I feel like humans are too weak to understand the light is just an illusion.

Sometimes I feel like I could just fight everyone for the slightest reasons. I have intense feelings of guilt sometimes. Once I was convinced that people of a certain race (I refrain from saying which so as not to seem racist) were from another world.

I feel in a haze all the time, I can't tell my dreams from reality, I don't remember if I said something or just thought it.

Man this is a long one!!

I never have an idea of what I'm really thinking, I think I'm thinking it because...well I can't explain it, its confusing even to me.. Some days I am brilliant and incredibley smart and creative, somedays I am barely able to remember my own name, or I literally get confused about what 2 + 2 equals.

I can't trust anyone, I feel I am weak because I am human. I try to rise above human limits by not eating because its an illusion or by not using lights for the same reason.

PLEASE help me figure this out!!! Any ideas of whats going on??!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites


To me it sound's like you could do with paying your Psychiatrist a visit and explaining these issues with him. If your on Medication, how long have you been on it? Your Psychiatrist could do with re-assessing you.

If your medication has changed recently, It could have something to do with the fact that they are either to strong or not strong enough for your diagnosis. Or it could be that your dosage needs increasing/de-creasing. I don't know, I'm not a doctor.

I would suggest that you make an Appointment to see either your G.P or your Psychiatrist, if you have one.

I do know where your coming from though! I suffer myself with Manic Depression, and some of these symptom's I recollect having myself. What my Psychiatrist did was, to change my Medication and it seemed to have a big affect on my illusion's, as to practically make them disappear. I still have the odd few but not as frightening!

I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help.


Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Liamm

Sorry! But I don't understand what you are getting at? Could you please explain what you mean by: Does America have as many hang up's as England does?

If I think it's what you mean? Then, I don't know? I think your best bet, would be asking someone who lives there!

Paula :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites


A lot of what you describe could be consistent with a psychotic process happening for you. The sense that you and all humans are so weak; that some people are aliens; that light and food are illusions. These sound like delusions to me, and just a little bit paranoid. The mosquito may have been a hallucination, but then again, there are mosquitos that get to be an inch long, or it could have been a similar looking bug - if you are in New Hampshire, this is summertime now, and that is definitely bug country in the summer. so who knows about that one.

The loss of memory is possibly consistent with the psychosis occurring in the context of depression. Many people space out on things, or have an internal focus of attention and don't really pay attention too well in the first place and so don't remember things that people said to them. But any tendency people have in that direction tends gets much worse when someone is depressed.

So - what may be happening is that you are in a period where your psychotic symptoms are acting up. It would be a good idea to visit your doctor and tell him or her about what has been occurring, complete with how you can't tell whether this stuff is real or not so that he or she can adjust medications, etc. and just know what is happening so that if it becomes necessary to hospitalize you again, it won't be a complete surprise to the doctor. Of course you don't want to be hospitalized; no one wants that, I hope, but the hospital is there for times when it is needed, and when a psychotic process gets out of control, hospitalization can be needed for a time. So it is good to keep the doctor in the loop.

Hope this helps you. I imagine that it must be tempting to not want to bring this to the doctor's attention, because of the trouble and disruption that can come from doing so.


Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Create New...