Need advice

[FlowerGirl2009]

I need to talk to someone but I cant talk to anyone in my family and I refuse to talk to a therapist.

I was neglected when i was younger by my alchoholic mother until I was moved in with my grandparents when i was 14. I have severe untreated depression and anxiety problems. As i said before, i refuse to talk to a therapist. I know that I have a strong need for attension and I have co-dependency problems. I crave attension and I need it. There are times when I wish/pray for bad things to happen to me for the attension. Not only for the attension though, I just really want it to happen. Things like getting leukemia, going anorexic, family dieing, but the #1 thing is to be raped. Dont ask me why... i dont know. I know it's horrible. I know it's wrong, It's just what's going on in my head. As I said... I crave attension and I need it.

I use to talk to this teacher, but she moved out of state and now wont even answer my emails. It use to upset me horribly but I've gotten use to it.

There is this other teacher that I am somewhat friends with and want to talk to. But because of what happened last time I am scared. I dont want to put myself out there just to be let down. And what happens when i graduate at the end of this year and dont see her anymore? But everything inside of me tells me that I need to talk to her. I look up to her like i've never looked up to anyone before. I seriously love her (not in a lesbian way, but in a motherly way). I think about her 24/7 and what would happen if I could talk to her. I feel like i need to. I just want her to hug me and hold me and let me cry on her shoulder. I dont know what to do. I also worry about what she will think of me. What if she hates me? Also i dont want to bother her with my problems, but i feel like i need to talk to her.

Do you have any ideas what I should do?

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Flowergirl2009,

It seems that you fear talking to a therapist because of your dependency issues, ie: that you would become dependent upon the therapist. Is this correct?

Actually, I would recommend cognitive behavioral therapy for you and that could prevent or reduce dependency issues. CBT has as its goal to help people change their thinking to become more realistic and that helps them cope better with their lives.

Clearly, the teacher does not want to talk to you as proven by the fact that she ignores your E. Mails. You do not want to be accused of harassing her and, so, you most respect her wishes. However, psychotherapy, and I mean, CBT, would help fulfill the need to talk to someone as well as help you learn to straighten out your thinking and feelings.

In your E. Mail your repeat over and again that you will not talk to a therapist. Why? Could you explain?

Allan

[FlowerGirl2009]

The teacher I email and the teacher I want to talk to are two different people. The one I want to talk to is very nice and understanding. I just am personally afraid she will start to hate me.

I also dont want to talk to a therapist because in my opinion, they're getting paid to do it. I'd rather talk to someone that WANTS to talk to me. That's why I'm not forcing it on my other teacher. Ya know? I personally just have a thing against therapists. IDK. It's weird

[Mark]

Well, most relationships are based on reciprocity, meaning that there is give and take. In a parent child relationship, the parents give far more than they take back from the child, at least during the children's early years of life. So this is an exception to this basic rule. But peer friendships function on a principle of reciprocity. If you are too demanding of another person's attention, or if you receive attention from them and don't find some way to give them back something they desire (like listening to their problems and issues, if that is what they want - each person wants something slightly different), then the relationship tends to fall apart, as the partner who feels taken advantage of starts to feel like the relationship is a chore or a duty, not a pleasure. When someone feels very needy of attention from another, it can be hard to insure that there is that necessary reciprocity within relationships, and their relationships can get difficult or fall apart. Perhaps that is part of what has occurred with this first teacher you describe.

Have you thought about the balance of give and take within your relationships much? It can be hard to do so when you feel pressured to get needs taken care of. When you feel pressured like that, it can be like you are drowning and you need someone to throw you a life preserver. You aren't worried about what the other person might be thinking about the relationship, so wrapped up are you in trying to get your own needs met. But paradoxically, if you don't pay attention to what other people in the relationship need from you, the relationship will fall apart and you won't be able to get your own needs met from it. So it is important to get any sense of pressure you feel that would prevent you from paying attention to what your relationship partners need under control.

It's okay if you don't want to talk with a therapist. It may make your problem harder to deal with, but that is your choice and comfort level. As Allan has pointed out, a therapist can help you examine closely some of the beliefs that may be driving you to feel so needy of attention. If you can get control over those beliefs, or at least test them to see that they are not exaggerated, you are likely to be able to feel less driven by them. In this aspect, working with a therapist is like working with a coach, or a medical doctor. Those people get paid to help people too, but most people don't let that stop them from benefiting from their attention.

Mark

[FlowerGirl2009]

That's a really good point. Thanks a bunches!!