Story + Depression and mother that doesn't care.

[Zacho56]

Hello there my fellow people.

I am here to tell you a story about how I feel, what has happened. And what I should do.

As I was growing up, I had a father that commited suicide at the age of 9, not only suicide, but abusive discipline such as belts sticks, etc.. I loved my father, I was very close to him. That took a toll on me. At that time I lived in N.S I currently live in NL. When we moved here, I started having a lot of problems at home. At the age of 13, I started to show signs of depression and rebellion. I hated myself, I constanly was attempting suicide. I didn't want to live. Me and my mother had a lot of problems. I was placed on anti-depressants. A few months later I stopped taking them. At the age of 15 I started getting violent and getting the police called on me. I would lose my mind and I would black out. A year after that at the age of 16, I was placed on a small dose of seroquel, and gradually increased to 700mg. Last year on my birthday, I was incarcerated in a mental hospital for a nice while. During that time, my mother stuck through with me through everything. I had never felt happier with my mother and how supportive she was. She was my guardian angel through everything. Upon release, I slowly adjusted to the free life. I couldnt and still can't keep a steady job. My girlfriend of 2 years abandoned me a while back and that took a huge toll onto my life, I loved her with everything, and she destroyed us. A few weeks ago, something happened to my mother. She went from this loving and caring mother...To my worst enemy. She is constantly threatning to throw me out, Using profanity such as "Fuck off" over simple things. She has become something that I don't even know. She has taken away my car provledges for literally no reason. She never, ever uses the car, and I mean never. She always goes in a different car. She is always yelling, cussing, and I feel like I am not even worthy to be on this earth. My mother is determined to force me to quit in life. She is absolutley hellbent on destorying my social life, as she knows that my transportation is a vital part in my life. She knows that, but she does not care. A while back I was hospitalized because of severe self mutilation to my leg, hitting many veins and bleeding profusley. After that ,I became an alcoholic, drinking every single night to escape my fears and hatred toward life. Now I seriously feel that I will end up doing something to myself. I am so sick of my mothers s*** and all of the stress she puts on me. I want to live a happy life, I want to be loved, I want to feel like im worth anything. But my mother is destroying my will to life. Is is so wrong for me to be happy? If there is a god, why havn't you done anything for me? What is the answer to all of this? I don't want to leave home, I want to live here until at least I grow up. Im only 17, not 30. Please, someone, please, help me.

Thank you.

Zach

[paula]

Hi Zach

You start of your post with stating that your father committed Suicide at the age of nine. Do you mean that you was nine and not your father?

You also say that you started showing signs of Depression at the age of thirteen. You are seventeen now, is that right? So all this has been going on for four year's.

In this time, you was showing sign's of Agression, also bringing the Police to your door. You had been admitted to a Mental Hospital, to try and get this Agression and Depression under control.

Again, in this time you state that your mother stuck by you all the way..... and thought she was coming to term's with your Depression?

All this in four year's. I don't mean to sound rude, but have you considered your mother's feeling's in all this? She too! Has had the upset of losing her husband, and hasn't really had time to grieve his death because she had you to contend with.

This is probably her time now..... It's probably just took it's toll on her body now..... I don't know? I'm just trying to understand on a woman's point of view!

Have you ever considered how she must be feeling..... With losing her husband and her only son, being locked up in a Mental Hospital, Who has she had to talk what she is feeling, how she is coping.... Who can she turn too in these desperate time? At least you've still got your mother! Who has she got? No one! Or I bet that's how she feel's?

Instead of thinking about yourself all the time, stand back and give a thought for your mother. Try thinking about her the next time you fetch the Police to your door! Try thinking about her when your in one of your depression mood's!

A THANKYOU once in a while wouldn't go a miss you know! It would also help if you told her you loved her. It's alright saying that she know's you love her, but it's nice to be told once in a while! Show her you appreciate everything she has done for you, by buying her a bunch of flower's, chocolate's

You've got to earn respect to receive it back!

Paula

[Mark]

Zach,

As I read over your post, i was thinking what Paula was thinking, which is just how stressful all of this is for your entire family. Not just you - for your mother too. what you see as her turning on you may be simple exhaustion. She has tried hard to stand by you and do right by you, and maybe she has just taken about as much as she can take for now, and is exhausted and crabby and feeling out of control herself and so she is trying to exert some control. it happens. Have some mercy on her. Cut her some slack.

It is probably hard to see things from her perspective, as you seem quite depressed, and when people are depressed, they tend to get really self-focused and see things only from their own perspective. Also you are young still and not yet living on your own and so do not yet appreciate how much stress is involved in making your way independently in the world. And maybe you are a little antisocial too. You're angry at any rate, and feel entitled to be treated better than you are being treated currently. This sense of entitlement won't help you feel any compassion, I'm sure. But working on feeling a little compassion, cutting some slack, for your mother is important. If you can treat her better, maybe you can treat yourself better too.

You've been terribly wounded emotionally in your life it seems, and one way to deal with such a wound is to be angry about it, but that won't help heal the wound. It will only perpetuate it.

Do you have anyone to talk to about all this? Like a therapist or a friend you trust? You've certainly got a lot to talk about and work through.