I don't know

[meyoumeyou08]

ok so here is the situation. my husband came home from work one night and told me he would be attending a dinner with me now mind you I volunteer for his command and the base will be honoring volunteers by having an appreciation dinner. I first told him he didnt need to go later that night when we were laying in bed i told him "the reason why i said you dont need to go is because i dont want you there looking and checking out other women. you are there to support me". so a few days later we were talking about the dinner and he goes "well im not sure if im going to get out of work in time" I KNEW that would happen. and then the other night after a great day and great sex i was looking at my husband cell phone.. not looking for anything just looking. i asked him about a private number and he got very defensive. i let it go so then he went into the computer area to do some work i came to sit by him and again he got defensive. now mind you i have done this sitting by him when he is on the computer MANY times before and he had never gotten defensive before. we are both in our late 30s no little kids to take care so its just us now. i was flabbergasted. another time he set a little book on his dresser and i picked it up to look at it and he started getting defensive about that. he says i dont trust him. i told him i have been looking at his stuff for YEARS in fact i looked at his steno pads while he was shaving; he came talked to me for a minute and went back to the bathroom. No defensiveness there. so this has got me confused. he loves to throw the "you dont trust me: line and its gettin old and tired. i am curious, i am nosy i told him that. i just dont know anymore what is going on with him. i am very confused.

[Mark]

Sounds to me like you are suspecting infidelity on his part; possibly not intercourse or a full on affair, but even far lighter-weight stuff like checking out how another woman looks with a sexual intent. You are justifying looking through his things on this basis, that since you suspect he might be involved with someone else (or at least interested in such, even if not acting on it), you have a right to go through his things to look for evidence one way or the other. Not finding the evidence you want quickly has not helped you feel more confident about his fidelity, however.

I hear that he is getting defensive and feeling that you don't trust him, and how is that much wrong? it seems like you don't trust him. I can easily sympathize with someone whose spouse is going through their things and understand why that would make them feel defensive. This is not at all to suggest that your husband is not guilty of what you suspect he may be guilty of. Only to say that if he is guilty and covering things up or if he is not guilty but still feeling that his space is invaded, the end result is similar. He still feels invaded.

I can appreciate how anxious you must feel, but I don't think that justifies going through your husband's things, at least not without talking with him about it before that activity occurs, so it does not catch him by surprise.

I think there is a mutual trust problem in the marriage, and that counseling is in order. If you let the trust deteriorate too long, the marriage will suffer for it.

[meyoumeyou08]

Hi Mark... yeah I can see your point as to him feeling invaded. I know for fact sake he wouldn't ever cheat on me. ever. There was a time in our lives when we were going thru a divorce and he could've done that but he didnt. I really don't look for a specific thing. I look at his stuff just to see what he does with his daily life when he is away from me really that's all. There was a time when I was looking to see if he could be interested in someone else but he sat me down looked me in the face and told me to stop feeling that way and I have. I guess the reason why I do it is because I just don't want to get hurt again.

[JustTrying]

I am a VERY private person.... and yes my Husband goes through my stuff .. although he thinks I do not know about it.... He use to be looking for Beer.We use to fight about that all the time... I do not think he is too worried about me cheating. He is just plain NOSEY!!!! Got in to my Email account one time..... Yep . emails from Men... but all about recovery etc... So I did not see the big deal although he wasn't too happy.

NOW hubs... I am convinced he cheats... maybe not but he has before.... I do not go looking for evidence.... If I find proof I will have to do something about it and I like things the way they are..... besides if IT is happening... the proof will hit ya in the face one day!

For my sake it is better I do not know too much.

Gabby

[meyoumeyou08]

Hi Gabby.. for me I want to know everything.. it used to be control or power issue but not anymore. I think it just goes back to when we were young and he would leave me out of things and not really tell me anything. I do give him his space he works alot and I mean alot so if he wants to do whatever he has the freedom to do so. It's just certain things that sets him off I guess you could say. I'm not afraid to confront him on anything and he knows it. It's been a long and hard work on my marriage.. and if ever there came a time for me to leave I can with my head held high and knowing I did everything in my will and power to make it work.