[!] Tired of Pretending (contains triggers)

[Solstice]

Aaron, that is awful. I'm so sorry. Hopefully your mother can get some help to deal with what she went through??

IrmaJean, I've tried talking to my mother about getting someone in to help, but she refuses. Insists that my father isn't that bad, she doesn't need any help or even a break, etc.

I've also tried talking to my husband. The bottom line is that he does not care anymore. He doesn't want to hear about my feelings or my problems. I can't say I blame him. I always seem to have a problem, and when I do, I take it out on him. I wish I could take back everything I've done to him, but I can't. I think I've finally gone through a one-way door in our relationship, and I won't be able to get back to what it was.

[Aaron.X.C]

My mother doesn't deserve help, she deserves to suffer, least for once. And about the stuff, when I get angry I tend.to take it out on close people. Hmm... fraid I don't know how to help though.

[chatterbox512]

I completely understand what you are saying Solstace!! I do the same thing. I leave the house immediately a mask comes on. I do what it is I think others want to see. They don't want to see someone who feels miserable, hurt, shamed, anxious, hateful, melencholy and so much more. It becomes such a mask that it is hard to tell when it is on and when it is off. For me I have become so used to the mask that I don't know really who the real me is anymore. I have learned through many years of experimenting that when you find someone you feel like you can totally be yourself with that it is worth it. My chosen mom is an awesome person who totally accepts me for who I am. That is my happy go lucky self, or my broken down feel sorry for me self. I value every minute I spend with her because I can truely be my self and let my guard down and she will help me put it all back together. If you can find someone like that it really does help!! I don't feel like I can be my total self with my husband because there are so many other responsibilities that have to be done there is no time to break down. He depends on me to keep it together and keep the house operating efficiantly and take care of our son. So it is hard.

Have you tried looking for a different therapist who specializes in self-esteem issues? I have had to do some research to find a good therapist who understands what I am going through and is sensitive but forward in what she expects of me. When I found this therapist I have vowed I will not let her go, we are a good match, I have followed her through four moves that is how much I like her. So maybe you would benifit from just searching until you find one you really like. I know it is difficult because you have to keep explaining what brought you there but in the long run it is well worth it.

[Solstice]

Thanks for your thoughts, Chatterbox. I chose my new therapist after much research and searching, and I think she may be right for me. However, my life's such a disaster that it seems like she'd have to be a miracle worker to help me save the few decent parts of my life that remain. I just don't feel like I have any time anymore to make a change, even if she's the one who could help me do so.