I do not wand to kill myself but I wish someone would

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Edelweiss, I'm sorry you're feeling so low. Things changed quite fast, it must be difficult to keep up with the change and feel like you're in control of what has happened. But you did that, you stood against being insulted and shouted at and didn't allow that to continue. I understand that it is exhausting, and maybe it looks all empty now, but you get your personal space back, where you can feel your own feelings and you get to make your own plans that involve you. Maybe the empty bits are where things put you down and kept you small before and now that the restraints are gone, your life can grow slowly towards what you want it to be?

[edelweiss]

ok, he is gone, no more shouting

now I am alone, nobody calls nobody cares

I feel like calling him, he is right I have nobody except him, I am such a failure

I feel like going back like I always did in the last 8 years, but i can't, will it ever change?

I am so so discusted with myself

[PommyGirl]

I know how you feel.

I am having sort of the same situation, but the other way round... I am the one who is being got rid of.

Don't feel disgusted with yourself.

You did the right thing - at least for now.

You are wounded and need some self-bandaging...

Have a couple of days off work. Visit a beauty parlour or have a Pamper night at home. Treat yourself to some Belgian choccies and turn your mobile off.

If you can afford to go away, then go somewhere that you always wanted to go to.

Give yourself time to heal.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Hi edelweiss,

I’d be careful with assuming he’s „someone who cares“.

I also want to say two things about being alone, the first one is that you don’t have to feel bad just because you’re alone. Too many make their sense of self-esteem dependent on other people, when really YOU have to care, not them. Remember the concert you went to alone? You didn’t not enjoy that just because you were there alone.

The second thing is that it doesn’t feel good to be alone. Haha, yes, I’m talking in opposites. Do you have friends back in your home country you could re-establish contact with? Can you get some hobby or whatever activity to meet new people? The point is, you might want the good bits back of what you’ve lost with this relationship, especially when you feel all alone, but you might stand a better chance finding them in someone else than in him.

You've lost something. Don't believe just because it's better this way, it shouldn't hurt. It does.

And then, silly as it sounds: It’s going to be easier, if you stop being disgusted with yourself. You are already having a bad time, so what’s the point judging yourself negatively on top of that? It’s just going to make you have an even worse time. That’s CBT books digested by my brain.

S.

[edelweiss]

Thank you very much for the words written here, they seem so obvious but at the moment they meant a lot and helped me to keep my feet on the ground and not loose my control completely. At least I am still working fine

He called and calls, saying I am extremely important for him. I honestly do not get it. When I take myself away from his problems he just keeps coming back, but when is happy he totally forgets about me. This is not a friendship, it is nothing, but I lack the will to say no

POMMYGIRL, what do you mean with "I am having sort of the same situation, but the other way round... I am the one who is being got rid of." I am sorry I did not understand but I would like, if you feel like sharing...

I am not an urgent need should this thread be moved to somewhere else?

S, I have enjoyed some belgian beers and chocolates but the emptyness and pain are still here

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

He might believe people are basically yo-yo's. That means everytime he gets too high, you'd have to hit him over the head with your boundaries. IF you wanted to play.

There's a HUGE range between tolerating someones existence and having them move into your flat. If you lack the will to say no to something, it doesn't mean that you have to say yes to everything else.

Well, pointing out the obvious is one of my greater talents.

[edelweiss]

used, abused and what else is new?

more than I hate him, i hate myself

[Guest ASchwartz]

How about not hating ourselves???

Allan

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

I'd still have to work on myself to reach Allans level of obviousness, though. :)

What happened, edelweiss?

Did you figure out what the mystery plan was, yet?

S.

[edelweiss]

hi S

Whatever the plan was did not work out and I am again the monster that destroys his life and causes a milliom miserys. She left him because of me

Well I am just cruing my eyes out, feel that that I am not sane

I am soory for my english i will try latter

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Yeah, sure. She didn't leave him, because he makes plans like a twelve year old, disrespects people and is never responsible for his own actions. Since that's really admirable qualities.

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad now.

S.

[edelweiss]

is it possible that he is right, after telling me that he does not a relationship with me anymore and that he really loved the girl (now she is a saint) he just sent me an sms thanking me for being at this side. Am I sick? or crazy? I just do not know and if he is right? I am just this lame person dependent on him

I wanted tha this girl took him it would help to move on with my own life

[Guest ASchwartz]

HI Edelweiss,

Its really important that you do not allow this person to define who you are. In asking the question, "Is it possible he is right," you are demonstrating how you are allowing him to: 1. define who you are and, 2. abuse you verbally.

You are not alone in wanting to be with someone who is abusive. There seems to be too many people who pursue and "love" abusive people. In my opinion, you are best rid of him. Its time to stop beating yourself up. You can turn your anger away from yourself and onto him. Be rid of him is my advice.

Allan

[edelweiss]

I made an appointment to a therapist- I cannot cope with this anymore

i want to disappear

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

It seems appropriate to me, but all I've done is read CBT books, so I really couldn't say. I suppose the therapist should be able to tell you how they're going to address things, so you can decide if that works well for you.

Sometimes, switching your phone off can be like disappearing.

S.

[edelweiss]

S, you are really good at this I do not want to switch the phone because I am trying to keep in touch with the healthy people of my life

I hope tomorrow I can just go out and have some fun

I need to gain my freedom...

thank you

and Alan I know for along time (years) I should get rid of him, but I do no seem able but I will try

[edelweiss]

fed up of this pain

[JustTrying]

I do not know you and have not been following this thread.... but Honey... hang in there... do not know how to word what I want to say... so I just will not say it.... in my mind If I say what is in my head right now I will piss someone off.... but know that I KNOW what you are feeling and you are not alone.... hang in there.....

[edelweiss]

Hi Just trying, if you are afraid to piss me of you are welcome to say what goes on your mind, I have a good relation with honesty and if you need to let it out for yourself you are very welcome.

At this moment this place is my safe place where I can verbalize everything, I hope everybody here is the same

I will continue my day with the hope that something will make me smile

[finding my way]

edelweiss, I have had struggles with attachments too......... it is very very painful . The hope is that there are better things to attach to, even though you may not yet know what they are or how. I hope you come across something that gives you peace today

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Edelwess,

I, I know that it is very difficult to give up a person, even when they have been abusive. In fact, abusive people are often the hardest to give up. Partly, I think, because we incorrectly think we deserve it.

Perhaps, if you work on telling yourself that you deserve good things it would help?

Allan

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

I hope that doesn't mean, you're relying on me to make you smile. :eek:

I'm not so good at finding reasons to smile myself at the moment. But I can see my new weird looking grasshopper garden decoration stick from here.

[edelweiss]

Before I start on my miseries, S you really make me smile that should be a smiling reason, no?

I apologize for my english since I am dislexic in my own language let alone in english, I feel my brain (what is left of it) is floating in water that keeps falling from eyes, it is a very beautifull image

As I mentioned before my ex is trying to get over, get back to his ex (not me) with my help, sleeping in my house. I have been for a week listening to him explaining all the things he did for her, how cute she was bla bla bla. and I am wondering why I am doing this to myself? why does it hurt so much that he is doing thing with this girl that I always wished he did to me? why he is still around? I can safely say that my inner core is disappearing again and soon he will leave and again I will be empty alone and damaged

Everytime I look out my window I imagine myself flying down, when I look at my wrists I can see the blade and the blood. I am killing myself in the most distorted way.

I am such a big failure, I am running from the world again

Well S, if you can bring me a smile now you are a genious:p

bye for now

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

You're lucky. I am a genius. :cool:

I find it really difficult to understand his thinking, though. As I understood it, she left him "because of you" and now he thinks staying at your place is a good idea? It already was a bad idea the first time around, why should she want him back this time? He's staying with his ex-girlfriend, chances are she won't really understand that and with all my creativity, which I have quite a lot of , I can't imagine a way to make that look good.