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Conflicting Thoughts Regarding the State of my Future


Pakhawaj

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Guest SomethingOrOther

Sleeping over it I actually found a shorter way to say the same thing.

You are not mine, you are yours.

The way my head works it doesn't matter if it makes sense to anyone else, but now the concept is small enough to stuff into a corner and I like that.

I find winter a comfortable season, because the general consensus is that it's winter, so you ought to be depressed. I don't like spring sometimes, although it's got a lot of beautiful natural features, because suddenly you're supposed to feel energetic. If you're depressed it's a bit like in winter people understand you, till you find out in spring that they really don't.

What did you mean with waiting for a different season out of fear?

I think it's possible to learn not to feel responsible for everyone. I don't find it easy, but I seem to have some principles that allow me to say no. Once I started wishing I had cancer so that the relationship with my mother would normalize itself. That's a horrible thought that makes perfect sense and says something about what is wrong, but there has to be a better way.

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Pak,

I am always impressed and worried with how hard you are on yourself and how you hate yourself and beat yourself.

Allan

You're right, I'm sorry for being such a prick. I don't know why I am.

How do I delete my account? I think as long as it exists I'll be tempted to whinge.

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Guest SomethingOrOther

Hi Pakhawaj,

no, I don't feel responsible for you and I'm aware of the possibility that you could be an evil bloody gremlin making up rubbish. What I usually use as a means of caution on the internet is that, as far as I know, everyone on here could be an imprisoned serial killer, though.

You don't sound to me like someone who is making things up, but it doesn't make a big difference, because I think everybody posts for selfish reasons. I think if trying to help people wouldn't make me feel good about myself, I wouldn't be doing it.

So, I can say nothing that makes any difference to you. Okay, then it doesn't. It's not a reason for me to stop talking, but if I'm starting to annoy you, you can ask me to do that. It's not in my interest to annoy you.

I'm sorry you feel so bad now. I believe there is worth within you that you don't see. Yes, that's my belief, you can call it delusional, it's not going to stop me having it, because it's a belief that makes my life better. I don't expect you to share it, I can see that this isn't possible at the moment.

S.

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