Falling apart at the seams

[Proverbs31:28]

Hi, all. It has been a while since I have posted here. Mainly due to apathy on my part. But, I find myself in a bad place and have always gotten great feedback here so thought I would throw out a line.

When I last posted in July, I was in the midst of a major depression which was initially triggered by a misunderstanding with my psych's office. My T eventually recommended IP and I went in at the end of July. After 1 week, and a failed med change, I was discharged being told my problem was not a "medication problem" and I should "stop worrying about all of the little things" as this was making me worse.

My T was disappointed at my quick discharge. I had been told the day before d/c that it would be several more days since I had not tolerated the med change (got violently ill) and they wanted to try something else. Then the next morning, I was sent home. So, T referred me to an IOP (outpatient program 3 days/week.) At IOP, the dr. was very unconcerned with my now out of control panic attacks and all he was doing was adjusting my sleep meds, despite my assurance that sleep was not an issue for me. By the third week, all I could do was sit in group and cry all day in between panic attacks which I tried to calm by pacing in the parking lot. I talked to my T and she and I agreed I was not getting any help at IOP so I quit, went back to my regular psych who immediately changed my meds. I am now seeing T weekly and will see the psych again in 3 weeks.

In the meantime, I feel like I am falling apart. I had severe, paralyzing anxiety that started on Friday and continued until Sunday, including episodes of confusion and disorientation, like I didn't know where I was or how I got there. The anxiety is now back to its normal level but my thoughts are all over the place. OCD is in overdrive and crying spells are easily triggered.

I weaned off of Zoloft last week and onto Effexor. I am not sure if this is at all related to the med change or something else altogether. I am giving up hope that there will ever be a better life. I have learned to function around my panic attacks by avoiding places, people or things that may trigger attacks. But, for the past several days, they occur more frequently with more intensity and with no discernible trigger. I am almost to the point of shutting myself off from the world, which is how I have handled things in the past.

I appreciate any and all feedback and advice.

[mrsdz]

I'm sorry about what you are going through. I myself have attacks that are getting worse, I'm not to sure what brings all of them on either. I really can not give you any advice since I am not familiar with the meds you spoke of. It may be the sudden change in all those events you just explained happening in a short time. I lock myself off from the outside world. I know it is no fun there. Keep the faith in knowing as bad as it is, it has to get better. I really wish I could offer you some helpful advice. Just know you are not alone.

[nightfalls]

Hi Lifeless,

It is good to see you!

I'm sorry to hear that you have had some rough times but it is really good that you are doing everything you can to try and get through all this. I think that some of the "extra anxiety" could be because of the med changes:confused: it is possible mabe because one is leaving your system and the new one has to get in? which I think takes a few weeks? I'm guessing here. I think though that when it all gets smoothed out mabe all the extra stuff will calm down. Just gotta hold on through the process.

Too bad about the hospital experince, wish it could have helped you more but very good that you went and tryed. mabe it is best to have the DR's that know you better to help you such as your T. She sounds like a very caring and good T.

I was thinking about you because I had not seen you post in awhile, so it is nice to see you. I hope all gets straighted out soon for you ASAP. In the mean time take good care of yourself, treat yourself to something nice because you deserve it you have done so much work, gotta give yourself that much!

take care

[romeropaul]

Hi,

Its amazing to read about your resourcefullness. I hope you get through this ok. I would read up alot about the meds you are taking; so many Americans dont even know what they are putting into their systems, but demand that they have someone else pay for it. I know you will do fine, as you've reached decision points due to the situation, and this ..if I'm analyzing the post right.. be a good time for 'just faith' in God, without any expectations of consolation, happiness, or even the secret of life from the doctors, who ..while they should be urbane, confident, and followed...simply do not have the human personality figured out.

cya,

Paul

[Natalie]

Hi Lifeless-

Hang in there... it sounds like you are having a rough time. It can take 2-3 weeks for antidepressants to work. In addition, this particular antidep. may need tweaking (increased dose) before it does what you need it to do.

In the meantime, are there other anti-anxiety strategies that you can use to get you through this rough spell?

[mscat]

Hi there,

I am sorry things are so difficult for you right now. I know that your Antidepressants are being changed and wanted to ask you if you are also taking something for the anxiety ot panic attacks? What your going through is A lot, and I feel for you.

i too get to the point where i can't even go outside w/o having my anxiety shoot through the roof, and also getting disconnected too .

Sometimes, it is a matter of adjusting medications, and blood tests. Seeing what chemicals are involved and what can work to help you feel better.

[jimmyfay2]

Hey there, I'm new to this so forgive any typos. Your story struck me since it is exactly where I was in 1992. I was hospitalized for severe depression and anxiety. After two weeks I felt a bit better, but very spaced out and detached. They let me go, and a few weeks later I was right back in the hospital, but this time a different one. One they wouldn't let me out of. I spent the first night sleeping in a room full of people who were truly disturbed. Not just depressed, but disturbed and it struck me... I am not crazy, I am just hurting. I had never addressed the problem in a way that took me out of the victim role. I had always looked for the perfect doctor or perfect pill to help me, but never realized how much power I had to help myself. I started attacking the problem from every angle I could. I started reading books about things that never interested me before, such as relaxation techniques ( to conquer the physiological triggers of anxiety which can lead to depression if unattended ), books on death ( a subject that terrified me to no end and was often a trigger for panic )... in other words, instead of hiding and running from all the things that frightened or depressed me, I immersed myself in the literature of my enemy. Does that make sense? I figured, I can't escape these thoughts and images that bombard me all day, EVERYDAY, so I might as well get to know what's "attacking" me. I learned SO much about anxiety and all the little pieces that add up to panic attacks and anticipatory anxiety, and I learned so many tricks to help me unwind the twisted patterns of my thinking... and all of this without medicine. Now, I'm not saying you don't need meds, but I'm telling you, there is so much you can do for yourself, and alot of it comes from your own inner wisdom. Nobody will ever know you as well as you know yourself, so use that to your advantage. In my case, I would come up with what initially sounded like a crazy thought, like, "I could drive to Reno ( from Seattle ) and have conversations with all the parts of me that I think are hurting". Sounds crazy right? But, i tried it. I headed for Reno and as soon as I was on the freeway, I pictured myself at 7 years old, sitting in the passenger seat and I started talking to myself. Talking to that terrified little 7 year old who had nobody to protect him, or to talk to. I felt like a complete idiot, and was sure everyone on the freeway could see me and would think I was insane... but I was sick of feeling the way I did, so I just kept talking and asking questions and yelling and screaming and crying and venting and laughing and shaking... I talked until I couldn't find any more unexplored dark spaces in my mind... and for the first time in forever, I felt calm. The kind of calm I felt as a child when the world seemed to make sense... The darkness of the world came back several times and launched several vigorous attacks, but I kept coming back at it with whatever struck me as a good idea. I'd take a big stick from the beach, find a bunch of rocks, and just start hitting them out to sea, each time assigning a face or a memory to the rock... then I'd hit it with all the rage I could muster... sometimes yelling at the rock which was suddenly my stepfather... or a bully, or an exgirlfriend... anything that I needed to let go of... and it worked. It took time but it worked. I eventually went from a broken, crying, terrified young man to a calm, centered, open person who finally saw the world and all of its wonders like a child again. I still have stress and anger and sadness in my life, but it no longer takes over my world... it is now just a part of it. Just another seasoning in the recipe of my life. I cannot say enough about the power of listening to yourself... not the scared frightened self, but the strong one... the one who is calmly waiting behind the raging angry part of you... I cannot say enough about the power of calming the body and thereby calming your mind... it will take time, but you will be amazed at what is on the other side. Right now, you are like the worm in an apple. (bear with me on this one...) The worm in the apple sees nothing but the apple all around him... that is his whole world. He twists and turns, all the while eating away at this strange darkness around him, until one day, he comes out of the apple and sees this whole new world, filled with light and shadow, movement and stillness... admittedly it's a weak analogy in that the apple feeds the worm and makes it stronger... but it only becomes stronger because it eats away the apple until it is out of it. It uses the "darkness" of the apple to find strength and nourishment. And, eventually, it leaves the apple... and only then can it see that the apple was not the whole world... just one tiny part of it that had some purpose in it's life. It just couldn't see what it was, while it was in the apple. I hope I didn't ramble on too much, but, I want you to know that it WILL get better. I promise you that... like I tell my friends, you can't grow a beautiful garden without a whole lotta manure.

Take care of yourself, and let me know how things are going...

-jimmyfay2

Edited October 5, 2008 by jimmyfay2

[nightfalls]

Hi jimmyfay2

I just wanted to say that all of what you wrote there really made alot of sense and struck me I have been having a hard time lately and I got so emotional reading picturing myself driving talking to myself as a young girl and it was like so many emotions are there and I'm lost within my past. Anyways I really wanted to say thanks for writing all this and explaining it so well in a very understanding way. thanks and take care;)

[JustTrying]

jimmyfay2

Thank you for that post. I guess sorta that is what I have been THINKING all along. I just have not put it into practice. I think I will stick with the meds right now, and go see my T F2F .. for at least a few weeks but , you give me faith that I can learn to control myself and my thoughts better.

Gabby