NEW and feeling "out of control" lost again

[lost again]

I am new to this site. I am in a desperate mode of "fixing myself" again.

I was diagnosed as a Biopolar Manic Depressant in my early teens; shortly after my mother's death. Although I think I felt the episodes much earlier possible even in middle school.

I have always had major highs and even worse lows. But of course, the lows stick out much more vivid in the mind sense they are not as fun. The highs are great because during those times you can literally conquer the world and anything it brings your way. However, when those lows sneak up on you it is a distinctive slap in the face that you are "you" again. My feeling of me when I am in a low is "flawed". Something is wrong "damaged". I am suddenly negative about everything. Nothing matters anymore "And I mean NOTHING".

I make a forced effort to hide my "lack of care" from my lovely son and husband. Although my husband is very familiar with my disorder he still does not understand it. Heck, I don't even understand it. One minute I am on the top of the world - Goals set and put into motion. The next, I could care less to live. Althought the sucidal thoughts are rare now the excitment to actually "live" is stronger than ever. What I mean, is I don't think about death but I don't care to actually "live". No care to give or receive love, no care for goals, nothing matters. It is like I am just a physical body going through the motion of each and every day. I HATE IT!

I had therapy for years. Took several meds and hated the side effects. That feeling of "la la land". Or the loss of my "edge" at work. I think it is time to look into meds again as the episodes are much more frequent. I don't want the episode to taint my judgement and the feelings of negativity to overcome my normally positive "we can work through it" attitude. My thoughts are winning over my will again. You know, you think that you have enought information and you have learned to spot your triggers and episodes and you have learned to control them. Well, apparently I fooled myseld as I feel more "out of control" than ever.

I am not good at reaching out so any and all support is appreciated.

Thanks!

[WinterSky]

Hi, I am new as well. I am also newly diagnosed with bipolar. I can only afford generics so I am taking the generic of depakote 250mg three times a day. I am also diagnosed with PTSD so it has been difficult for me to understand myself. All I know is that it has felt like one big panic attack over the last two months. After I started taking depakote on 9/12, I have been much calmer and sleeping much better.

You say that the real you is when you are down? Personally I would say that the negativity is the depression talking. I would say that your personality and true self is the center core of your being as you recognize a self. When I get depressed, I go away.

Would it not be best for you to tell your husband when you are on a low point? If he actually sees it perhaps he will understand. But I know what you mean about not understanding it yourself. All I know is that it has something to do with adrenaline. And I've always been an adrenaline junkie.

As far as going back on meds, I am sure you might find the newer ones better.

Edited September 24, 2008 by WinterSky

[nightfalls]

Hello lost again,

It is really good that you have reached out and I hope that you will be able to get in control soon. I think it would be good to go back on meds again soon because like you have said you don't want the negative to cloud your will of life. I think it would be helpful for you to tell your husband how you feel but also understand mabe why you don't. I tend to do the same for mine. It is good to have lots of support around you so post more and take care.

[lost again]

Thank you forgeting and wintersky!

I wasn't clear. My hubband knows of my bipolar disorder and even knows that I am in the middle of an edpside now. What I meant is that when my five year old son is around I do my best attempt to not letting anything show towards him or my husband. My son is a really smart little guy and it I act any different around him or if he sees me acting different towards my husband he picks up on it. I try hard to not let him see my low points at such a young age (maybe he would never have to see them).

I have a note about Abilify and to make an appointment with my doc and see if that might be good for me. Of corse those darn commercials on TV... Sometimes I wonder if they come accross the screen just to remind me that I do have a problem and that with all my might I can not "will it away"...

I was hoping to wake up and the espside be gone. Sometimes that happens. Not today. You know it is like a hidden light switch. "ON" - Happy, Energetic, Motivated, Conquer the World attitude, Loving, then "OFF" - unsure, isolated, don't want to do anything at all, negative, no emotional connection. I wish someone could just show me where that darn switch was so I could rewire it to always be ON.

Anyways, going to force myself to move forward and get to work. Even thought in this moment I just want to give up and quit. I will not!

However, I will regocinize that it is getting to be to much for me again, and I will do something about it and attemp another med. Who knows, maybe this one will work for me.

Thanks - please keep in touch!

Edited September 24, 2008 by lost again

[dorothy]

First of all, when I see "fixing myself again" I know that we are kindred spirits, but I guess that goes for almost all of us on here.

And I just wanted to comment on the Abilify commercials, because I know exactly what you mean. Every time they come on my boyfriend gives me that sideways glance, like "So when are we doing this? You said on (blank: whenever it was I last decided to go back to a psychiatrist) that we were going to give this medication thing a shot again!" Plus they are that ANNOYING constant reminder...

Your situation sounds very familiar to me, and reaching out is always difficult; this website is the first, and I mean the first sort of "reach out" thing I've ever done with this "illness", or whatever the politically correct thing is to call it these days. So I completely understand where you are coming from, and I just wanted to say hello, and (the thing I think I want to hear most on here,and have found through reading posts like yours) I can empathize with what you're going through, and I have so much respect for you, because the thing I can't imagine is being a mother and dealing with this. I know that must be really difficult, and it sounds like you're doing the best job you can for your son, which is really amazing. You sound like a GREAT mom.

I hope things are going well, and your episode passes as smoothly as is possible. Hang in there!