lost again Posted September 24, 2008 Report Share Posted September 24, 2008 I am new to this site. I am in a desperate mode of "fixing myself" again.I was diagnosed as a Biopolar Manic Depressant in my early teens; shortly after my mother's death. Although I think I felt the episodes much earlier possible even in middle school. I have always had major highs and even worse lows. But of course, the lows stick out much more vivid in the mind sense they are not as fun. The highs are great because during those times you can literally conquer the world and anything it brings your way. However, when those lows sneak up on you it is a distinctive slap in the face that you are "you" again. My feeling of me when I am in a low is "flawed". Something is wrong "damaged". I am suddenly negative about everything. Nothing matters anymore "And I mean NOTHING". I make a forced effort to hide my "lack of care" from my lovely son and husband. Although my husband is very familiar with my disorder he still does not understand it. Heck, I don't even understand it. One minute I am on the top of the world - Goals set and put into motion. The next, I could care less to live. Althought the sucidal thoughts are rare now the excitment to actually "live" is stronger than ever. What I mean, is I don't think about death but I don't care to actually "live". No care to give or receive love, no care for goals, nothing matters. It is like I am just a physical body going through the motion of each and every day. I HATE IT!I had therapy for years. Took several meds and hated the side effects. That feeling of "la la land". Or the loss of my "edge" at work. I think it is time to look into meds again as the episodes are much more frequent. I don't want the episode to taint my judgement and the feelings of negativity to overcome my normally positive "we can work through it" attitude. My thoughts are winning over my will again. You know, you think that you have enought information and you have learned to spot your triggers and episodes and you have learned to control them. Well, apparently I fooled myseld as I feel more "out of control" than ever.I am not good at reaching out so any and all support is appreciated.Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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