Out of the shadows

[Hotspot]

Linda & Shannon,

Thanks for your support and understanding an above all not laughing. I'm not totally against seeking counseling but I can't do it right now. Overall I think I don't believe the entire confidentiality bit. After Sunday's episode I am definitely thinking about the what if's and could of's a lot. In a way I think maybe it did happen because no one was thankfully home, of course I really don't know though.

I have to have yearly mandated physicals and my last department one was in April-May without any issues. When I started having more trouble sleeping and what my wife calls the constantly tense me we went to the family dr. I had more blood tests and CT scan just to rule medical causes out. Everything came back healthy and normal. Dr decided I was stressed and needed stress relief. He suggested a few things like working less hours, taking up a hobby and setting a relaxation plan for after I get home and on my time off. Working less hours really isn't an option. Attempted making the relaxation plan without much success.

My wife would like me to take vacation time an I might do that. She is quite worried and Sunday's living room destroying only made it worse.

I'm highly ashamed by this all and I don't know what I really will do about any of it. Most of all I guess I'm needing to vent without repercussions.

Allan,

Thank you for the welcome.

I don't know what caused the PTSD. I am assuming it's a combination of many things. Surviving 9/11, working weeks during the recovery effort, working months during the clean-up, a good friends suicide, my being promoted. I really don't know though and am wondering if PTSD is even my problem. As far as seeking counseling that's what I've been talking about here and I'm on the fence about doing so.

I wasn't sure where to post and just continued posting here where I began. If it's not the right place then whomever relocates things please do, an just let me know where it went. Thanks

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Hotspot

Hang in there. Your wife seems to be supportive, so let her help you. Try all that has been suggested, like a vacation, it can't hurt right?

I have a friend who is a prominent lawyer and she was recently dealing with the new diagnosis of bipolar and more, she found it difficult to seek help in her area of where she does business. So she is seeking help outside of her area of doing business, but she is seeking the help. I can truely understand your situation. If you ever do begin to explore possible counseling, etc., maybe finding it outside of your area will help you.

It's that stigma talking again, and I guess for me there was nothing to be ashamed of even though at the time of my depression and first hospitalization , I was very involved in my schools and town. So here I am the one being in the lime light, being in articles of our newspapers and having quite a bit of responsibilty, I had to totally drop out of everything, quickly. Not because I wanted to, but because i was incapapble at the time of even thinking about doing what I did before. Thats how handicapped I felt.

And what a change, too much but it was a change and I will never , ever get my life back becuase of bipolar and PTSD but I have come to realize, I am who I am right now.

I hate it, cant accept it and now it seems I have gone into total shutdown and cant or dont want to do anything. And I mean anything like even stuff around the house.

I guess i have been so "traumatized" by all of this that I actually am afraid to try and be happy because it will go away and I will be left feeling inadequate again. How many times can I recover from disappointment?? So what I dont have I cant lose? I guess that is the piece, not missing what I dont have...

Well hang in there, keep sharing with your wife and keep safe...

[shanrucas]

Good moring Hotspot, at least it's morning where I am at. I think a vacation would be a good idea, maybe while you are on vacation even if you just stay at home, you and your wife can form a plan on what to do next. She seems very supportive, I didn't have that when I got hospitalized and diagnoses, I muddled through on my own, it was a very lonely journey.

I hope that talking it out here in the meantime is truly helpful,,,,I think I might be repeating myself here...

I think you maybe right about if you have PTSD it could be due to many combined factors...in your line of work that would make sense. I think my PTSD began years ago when I was about 20 and I was in a very dangerous relationship, I was lucky to survive that, then what do I do? I began in my career as advocate, firefighter/first responder and just piled on more trauma situations. Would I do it all over again..hmm, probably, maybe not all of it, but maybe of done things a little differently..I have learned to recognize my behaviors now and act accordingly, at least I try to.

wishing you the best and looking forward to talking to you more.

[Hotspot]

I hope you both are having a decent weekend, I've been trying to.

Went haunted house touring,corn maze winding, hay riding and apple an pumpkin picking today with the kids. They are all excited about Halloween especially since it falls on a weekend. I think if we let them they'd want to begin trick or treating at 8am.

I had a nice time but it would have been better if I weren't exhausted or partly out of it. My wife loaded up on apples to make her pies and in general everyone seemed normal and happy except me.

I put in to take some vacation time, I agree it's probably best to do so. Hopefully during the time away I can get some things sorted out. I just have to get through the next few days and then I'll be off for 10 days. I am glad to have a supportive wife and it saddens me to hear you had to go it alone for the most part Shannon. If it weren't for my wife I'd probably have fallen apart long ago.

[shanrucas]

Thanks Hotspot, so far my weekend has been uneventful which in really makes it good. Don't think I could handle one more thing breaking in this old house. It is also good because my mom has been pretty comfortable and without pain that makes it a great weekend.

Although I had to go through what I did alone, over the next few years after hospitalzation I soon learned what real friends are. Not many people know I was hospitalized though, just a select few after the fact. I am now quite open with friends about having bipolar and PTSD. Some of them for the most part were surprised, I can appear quite functional and I think you know what I mean, I guess it's the advocate in me that wants to fight against the stigma of having brain disorders.

I am glad you went out and did something with the family, it sounded like a lovely day, even if you were exhausted, you have been through a lot. Your wife and kids sound like the really love you. And Hooray for putting in for a vacation, its all about taking steps, and it sounds that you are at least taking steps. Let us know what you come up with or even if you need to bouce things off of us.

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Hotspot and Shannon

I tried to post the other day but my computer was acting up...

Thats great hotspot you got out and enjoyed this beautiful time of year. A few weekends I went to a local fall festival in one of our close smalltown mainstreet type, we had a great time but that has quickly changed to how I felt over the summer. Not even open my door to the outside world...

So keep up the strength to keep doing things...

I hope your time off will help you sort out and most of all try and figure out how to keep mindful in the moment and enjoy your life in the here and now...

I know, easier said then done but, I had to say it... I struggle all the time with enjoying what is in front of me. I think anyway it has to do with my disappointment of feeling good and constantly cycling in and out of it and getting life back on track and then it disappears.

So I really believe that is my here in the now "trauma", so so much for keeping the memories in the past, life is "trauma" for me, well actually the expectation and cycling is the culprit.

I hope maybe at this point just by me saying this, you will be able to recognise and prevent going to where I am, unable to cope with the daily life. I know depression does it anyway, but this type of shutdown is somehow different. I hope I am making sense???

Hey Shannon, glad life is just "normal" for you right now. Uneventful is good:)

Yeah I understand about the hospitalization and telling others. I found out when I first told my friends in our "breakfast" club, almost all of them were on some kind of antidepressant!!!

Mine was just worse, or mine was properly dealt with. Everyone avoids the hospital, but if you find the right one, which I fortunatley have, I think it can be a place of just calmness, and relaxation and all responsibilities of "life" is taken away so mental healing can happen. I have been there too many times to say it hasnt helped, in its own way, it is very helpful to getting back on the "normal" path of life....

Enjoy this beautiful Sunday!!!

[Mjolnir07]

What Linda says is very, very true. Hospitals have a stigma to them, and I'm definitely not saying all hospitals are benevolent, but when it comes to that thorough and uncontrollable degree of stress that you know you can't handle it certainly can't hurt to put yourself in the hands of the professionals who will at least be able to find a way to calm you.

Plus, I'm all about the meds. I know many people trash medication and have a difficult time accepting it as a utility, but I think those people just haven't found the right one yet. Obviously no medication is going to cure us, but out of all the junk they flood the market with odds are something will at least bring you to a point where you can once again handle yourself.

Effexor has been my savior.

[Lindamomof7]

I am really glad you found a medication to help you. I actually envy you

A few that helped me a little I actually had bad side effects to. So I would have to go in the psychiatric hospital to start a med and then as predicted end up being trasnsferred to a medical hospital.

I seem to invent new side effects to meds and if I find a med to work, its the mood stablalizers that really dont help me and those are what I need the most. In fact, they put me into a deeper depression. And it seems there is a small study that says just that... leave it to me...

And, more then 1 med really sends me into a frenzy...

I always suggest trying meds but be very consious of what they do or dont do to you... It is important to see if its the meds or the illness so a daily chart would help.

For me the medications sent me into more ultra rapid cycling even after I stopped them. So I can understand when they say it takes a while for the meds to get out of your system and get the brain back to its functioning place...

Good luck to all of us!!!

[shanrucas]

I am on medications that seem to work for me, I however have to stay away from any antidepressants..they send me right into a manic mode, prozac was the worse years ago, although I did like how I felt at the time, they made me super high. So as a precaution doc doesn't perscribe any antidepressants.

[Lindamomof7]

Yeah I know the feeling...

I was on an MAOI patch with no mood stabalizer. It was great it put me into hypo/manic mode and I got so much done around my house. But, I also only got about an hour of sleep each night and I spent about a month doing that. Then finally my body just crashed and came off of it.

Believe me, I miss those productive times and also to be at a place of functioning which I have been most of my life. So now I am so afraid to cycle either way so I function ineffectively, by not functioning. I am actually afraid to do anything even like put my clothes in my drawers etc...

I guess feeling like I can do it one day then another I cant, I guess I can't tolerate the altered feelings anymore... If that makes any sense?

[Rapha]

I put in to take some vacation time, I agree it's probably best to do so. Hopefully during the time away I can get some things sorted out. I just have to get through the next few days and then I'll be off for 10 days. I am glad to have a supportive wife and it saddens me to hear you had to go it alone for the most part Shannon. If it weren't for my wife I'd probably have fallen apart long ago.

Enjoy your time off. Make sure you do some things you really like and that are refreshing for you!

I hear you on the wife thing! I'm the same way. I don't know where I'd be without her. Probably dead.

Peace,

--- Rapha

[Rapha]

Believe me, I miss those productive times and also to be at a place of functioning which I have been most of my life. So now I am so afraid to cycle either way so I function ineffectively, by not functioning. I am actually afraid to do anything even like put my clothes in my drawers etc...

I guess feeling like I can do it one day then another I cant, I guess I can't tolerate the altered feelings anymore... If that makes any sense?

Linda, it totally makes sense to me. I'm struggling with exactly the same thing. I have little spurts of productivity once in a rare while, then I go back into non-productivity. It's so discouraging that it does seem safer and less scary to just choose non-productivity all the time. After all, at least I'm consistent that way. I and others hopes aren't shattered because there are no hopes. They and I know what I can be counted on for... nothing.

Is this any way to live? I don't have the answer. I'm just thinking out loud here. Maybe we need to ask ourselves what will it hurt if I actually do something? Is putting the clothes away (or in my case, cleaning my home office) going to harm someone? Probably the only person we really fear harming is ourselves. We're probably afraid that if we fail we'll just feel that much worse and more confused about ourselves. I don't know. Maybe it's a risk we just need to acknowledge, be tough and jump into things anyway. I'm getting tired of feeling like my life is practically over. But I'm not sure what to do to get out of the funk.

It is a lot easier to sit in bed and type forum responses than it is for me to go and get something done around my house. Why is this? Is it really fear of failure? Is it hopelessness? Is it simply chronic pain keeping me from doing anything physical? Is all I'm good for anymore my mind and heart? I don't know.

Anyone want to chime in? This "paralysis" is a struggle for so many of us whether it comes from depression, bipolar, chronic pain, or wherever.

Peace,

--- Rapha

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Rapha, thanks...

I think part of the "psychological" reasons for why we do this might be summed up in 2 words: expectations and disappointment

I know for me my family looks at me everyday to see what mood I'm in and they just wait for the "real" me to pop out. I know they understand, but the look in their eyes just kills me. I know they are experiencing their own "expectations" and their own internal "disappointment" of me doing, then not doing.

So anything they see me do gives them hope and then when it leaves, we are all out of hope....

Make sense??

[Guest ASchwartz]

Rapha, Linda and All,

This discussion, which is good, needs to move to another one of our forums. This particular forum is for new people and they are often in urgent need. Thanks for your cooperation.

Allan

[IrmaJean]

I will go ahead and move to general support.

[Endlessnight]

Hi. I would like to add my thoughts regarding medication. I have been having a hard time of it for about four weeks now, and all I wanted to do was crawl into some dark corner and stay there, so I understand the being in a 'funk'. When I finally listened to friends advice, here on the forum, I went to the pdoc and he told me to double my daily medication dosage. Since I started doing that I feel better. If I didn't I probably wouldn't be writing here now. I know meds have side effects, and I hate them, but I will take the side effects any day over being the way I was two years ago before I saw the psychiatrist and started taking my meds. Now, I am able to function, then it was a chore just to breathe.

Anyway, that's my two cents.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Endless,

That is a lot more than two cents. Your contributions are worth millions.

I am happy you are feeling better. Perhaps it does not have to be "endless night?"

Allan:)

[Hotspot]

Hi Linda, Shannon & Ralpha

I hope you guys are doing OK.

I have not been able to come here just been quite out of it. In all honesty not doing too well. I had another episode / incident like the living room one and have been beating myself up pretty good over it.

Anyway, tomorrow is the beginning of my time off hopefully the time off will help me regroup sort of speak. After having another episode occur my wife made an executive decision of my going to counseling. She called and made an appointment with someone quite a distance away for Sat.

So, on Sat we will go she let me know a few hours ago that the appointment is for 2 hours. I think that seems like an insane amount of time. There are also information/test forms that were sent for me to fill out before hand.

I thumbed through them and besides the first one asking basic information which my wife already filled out for me the rest seem um fruity. I called and left a message on the guys machine saying I didn't feel comfortable filling out the other forms. Told him I hoped that would be fine if not of course call back and let me know so, I could cancel the appointment. Got a call back about 20 minutes after leaving the message from the counselor. He told me he understood how I felt about the forms but even if I don't fill them out (although he prefers I do) that he looks forward to seeing me on Sat.

I went back to thumbing through them and I'm simply not getting the point of it. A lot of the questions are the same although reworded. Like I told him on the phone I only want someone to talk with about things and I'm not interested in all this psychobabble stuff. Is this stuff typical with shrinks?

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Hotspot.

sorry I have been away, it seems my computer has bipolar as well

I did see Allan moved something, I never understand sometimes what goes on here and I guess I never will??

Anyway, I am really glad to read that you are going to counseling. It seems your wife is very concerned and cares what is going on. You are very lucky and sometimes we all need someone to take over the helm and make some choices for us. And as I'm sure you are as well as me, I have a hard time with that. As long as the control isnt coming from malice then I can accept help a little more easily. That though is something I think I have learned the most with all of this, I need help and I am fortunate enough just like you to accept that help. And that means from professionals as well.

I understand abput the paperwork and what to reveal or not. I was just at the dentist and had to fill out paperwork and it asked about mental illness. Well believe me I was angry why the hell does a dentist for cleaning and cavities need to know that? Even disclosing meds can be violating to me. So according to the dentist, I am completely healthy mental and all....

I would start very minimal with what you reveal but also realize they are there to help and if there is no honesty and trust then it is very ahrd for the professionals to do their job. If some info is left out then that could result in a different approach including meds. So my suggestion is to proceed with caution but realize they can't help if they dont have all the facts....

Good luck

[shanrucas]

Here you are Hotspot,

I'm glad to hear you are taking that step to see a counselor, just remember that if you don't feel comfortable with this one, it doesn't mean there isn't someone else out there that would be a better fit. As for the paperwork, I know what you mean, especially when the same questions are asked but reworded, makes me feel I am taking some sort of IQ test. I have been known to insert my own boxes to check off..don't recomend you do that though.

Keep us posted on how the appointment goes, I really hope it goes well, your wife sounds wonderful.

Shannon

[Hotspot]

I never filled out any of those other forms. I was honest at the appointment really don't have time for bullshit so, honesty is usually best. It didn't go all that well though. Shrink guy seemed nice an all, don't think he is for me however. I'm not sure what I was expecting or even should be.

The 2 hours dragged on and I felt like I was going to start climbing the walls. I don't do sitting well and he appeared anxious by my walking around. I guess most just walk in and sit the entire time or something. Thankfully my wife talked mostly which at least gave me something to listen to. I answered some of his questions.

In general I was quite bored, not like I thought he was supposed to entertain me or anything oh I don't know anyway he rambled off a lot of stuff an wanted to schedule another appointment for Monday. Now that seemed quite odd to me since here it was Sat. Left telling him I need to think it all over.

My wife liked him but understood I obviously wasn't gung ho about him. After talking about it perhaps meeting a different one would be best.

[Lindamomof7]

Hey hotspot

I am so glad you went!!! That was a tremendous step for you!! Its ok if you didnt like him and first impressions can be everything to some of us. It's ok that he wasnt your cup of tea but if he was professional, and can get you going a little as far as talking and opening up, you can still go to him and at the same time, look for another.

If you want to stay in the area where he is at which I believe is not near your home, try googling NAMI or DBSA in that town or county and call the contact peron on the website and ask for referrals. The members in the groups usually have some opinions of who is good and who isnt so they can refer you...

Hang in there and enjoy the day... Let me know how you make out...

[shanrucas]

I know it was hard to go to appt Hotspot, but it was a good step. Don't give up, I know the feeling of being somewhat unnerved about someone peeking in the dark corners of your mind. Just remember that the first appointment is more like an assessment, you might just try going one more time since your wife liked him, but after that and you still don't feel comfortable see if there is someone else. I like Linda's suggestion, maybe there is one that specializes in PTSD or something.

As for pacing around during the appt, I've done that. The last time I went into see my doctor, he actually told me "sit, stay", he is a dog person, I had to laugh. He is a good fit for me and it took many trys before I found him. He gets my dark sense of humor.

Have a good day and hang in there.

[Hotspot]

My wife got a list of counselors from the Sidran people so, this guy and the others on the list supposedly work primarily with PTSD. Like my wife an you both suggested I'll try again with him tomorrow and make another appointment with someone else if need be.

My wife asked what it was about this one that I don't like an I really don't have an answer, Suppose maybe it's the whole not my cup of tea type person. He seemed like a nice guy, intelligent and without fangs or horrible breath. Maybe it was his age or constantly asking me to sit or his anxiousness by my not. At least tomorrows appointment won't be 2 hours. I thought counseling was 45 minutes but he does 60 either way still better than 2 hours. Anything 2 hours long should come with popcorn and a beverage.

I will report back. Thanks for your continued support.

[shanrucas]

Looking forward in hearing how it goes.

Like I said before it took going to several different therepist,social workers, pyscologist till I found the right one. He is pychiatrist, and he totally gets me. I can't even fool him, which I guess is good cause I have a tendacy to go in and paint a happy picture. He has my kind of sense of humor too.