Quest for my normal

[shanrucas]

Well I just got back from seeing my pdoc and he is uping my lamictal, he wanted to up my lithium but I have to have labs done, which without insurance isn't going to happen right now.

He said I am no doubt experiencing either depressive episodes with anxiety or mixed episodes.....I knew that. Anyway, he thinks I should go for SSDI for sure. I supposed to call him in 2 days..I had to right it on the board so that I would remember.

I am so glad this last weekend is over with, I hope things start getting better cause I am just exhausted.

[Lindamomof7]

Hey Hotspot and Shannon

Are you guys ok???

Did we miss our flight to Hawaii?

[shanrucas]

Hi Linda,

I was thinking the same thing....was starting to feel a bit alone out here. I hope everything is going ok.

[labrador]

I spotted this thread, and although I haven't been diagnosed bipolar, I do experience a cycling of extreme highs and lows so perhaps it's something I should concider. The main reason I was drawn to it is because whenever I was going to get high, I would tell my wife "I'm going to get normal." as I never really felt "normal" when I was straight. Now i am trying to re-define what normal is to me without drugs in my life. After reading through the posts here from Shannon, Linda, and Hotspot I'm starting to see that maybe I was normal all along. Each of us have our own individual demons and mountains to climb and that is normal in life. For me, learning to accept that fact is a critical step in my journey to understand and love myself.

[shanrucas]

Hi Labrador, I welcome you to this thread. I started it sometime ago and it just sorta took off. I started due to the fact I was cycling between highs and lows so rapiding I was desparate to find that middle ground that was my normal. We are all different even though we may all share the same mental disorders.

Even though you haven't been diagnosed bipolor, it certainly something to consider seeing a pdoc about, its quite common for people who have bipolor to self medicate.

I hope you are finding some comfort posting in these forums as I have. It helps me get my head on straight knowing there are those who share similiar cycles of life and understand. I often find encouragement here, even on a bad day.

Shannon

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Labrador and Shannon

glad your Ok Shannon didn't see you on FB either so I was concerned. How have you been? So, did we miss our flight? Should I pack again ?

Hey labrador please join in, I would recommend keeping a daily journal and if you can, a timeline of events in your life that you remember. It helps with reflecting on our life and also can be valuable to a Pdoc or therapist if you do ever see one.

Just by what you said here in the post tells me that the timeline and reflecting sounds like this is a good time to venture into that. AND it is another diversion....

You may feel sad, angry or happy in what you reveal to yourself and how much your life really makes sense. Like I said it seems you are ready...

[shanrucas]

Hey there Linda,

I don't know what happened to the vacation, I think I got as far as the hotel lobby and then lost everyone, lol.

Mom's keeping me pretty busy, so I haven't been logged on the computer as much as I had been. I did get a chance to get out for a couple of extra hours to go to a friends birthday dinner at our favorite restaraunt. I was out after dark!

I hope Hotspot is just busy with the family, or he must be back to working, anyway hoping the best for him. I don't know what happened to freefawl.

I hope everthing is going ok with you, anything new going on with lupus diagnoses??

Shannon

[Lindamomof7]

Shannon

At least you made it to the lobby, I didn't get on the plane yet

Yeah I hope everyone is ok, I know its a buzy time of year for everyone.

Glad you got out, I hope you can plan a few more regular times to go out, it is a mental helath break that you need to keep recharging...

How are the horses? did a big storm pass over you in the last few days? I thought I saw it on the weather channel ...

[shanrucas]

Hi Linda, we may have to reschedule our virtual vacation till after the holidays, lol....figures we are the type to have a hard time getting it together to take a virtual holiday.

My horses are getting fat, I want to ride soooo bad. but I guess I am going to have to work it somehow when there is nothing else going on.

One of the girls at the stables is trying to fix me up with a guy..she kept talking about this guy, I didn't really pay attention. On friday I had the farrier coming out to trim the horses feet, so I new was going to have to hussling to get everything done and get home by noon...well this guy shows up, this is the first time I have seen him and I hadn't taken a shower or really brushed my hair and was in my barn clothes, anyway I told him he would have to follow me around as I got my chores done and get the horses feet etc.....he did and offered to help clean my horses stalls...mmm potential stable boy..he seems nice enough but I am feeling a bit anxious about the whole thing, we exchanged numbers and apparently I didn't scare him off, cause he called last night and wants to meet up again...ohhh I am getting anxiety about all this, its been years since I have dated anyone and don't know how to manage it now..time to take some meds..lol.

I hope every thing is going well with you, I bet with seven kids you are busy with getting ready for the holidays too. Do have a big family get together or is it just immediate family? We use to have huge family gatherings, now its a bit strange with just me and mom, but nice to cause there is no stress about getting things done, we just stay home and cozy up.

wow, I really babbled I hope this doesn't mean I waiting in line for the rollercoaster ride.

Shannon

[Lindamomof7]

hahaha Shannon, who cres if it's a rollercoaster ride right now, at least it should get you through the holidays

Hey go for it with your date

Your worth it just make sure he knows that and if not, then kick him to the curb

I wrote about my holiday festivities on Labrador's thread. So far so good with my mood lets see if I can fake it through the holidays And I see my therapist tomorrow night I think we will be deciding about my car privelages. Gee I feel like a teenager again... I am 49 right??? Ok just checking

[shanrucas]

Well, that guy came over today, he called and said that he was "passing through" and could he stop by...so I said ok... He seems to be a nice and quiet mannered person, totally opposite of what I am usually attracted to, which I guess is a good thing considering my track record. I tend to shy away from people who show to much interest to fast though..which I am getting that vibe. I also get rather anxious with a new person on my territory. I don't know if I can manage this or not...I guess we'll find out.

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Shannon, take it slow for now, and be careful, trust your instincts and keep things planned and in control. So maybe no surprise visits?

[shanrucas]

Thanks Linda, you are sooo right. I am going to have to be honest with him about my boundries and taking it slow...is it possible for men our age to have the "ticking clock" thing going on??? I am going to have to let him know I am in no way, or hurry to make a committment...nor can I with mom, its just to much for me right now.

[Lindamomof7]

They might have the ticking clock going on or they could have alot of baggage your not ready for right now. But time will tell. And if he is friend, then he will understand and not make you feel bad about the way you feel without giving it a second thought.

[labrador]

shannon, I'll be 44 in January so I don't know if I'm old enough to have the ticking clock thing happening. i think everyone, regardless of gender, starts to think about the "golden years" when they reach their mid to late 40's, and alot start to realize that those years will be more fulfilling with someone else in their life to share them with. Personally I think growing "old" alone would be terrible, but I know people who are quite happy with that situation. As a guy, my advice would be to let things run their natural course with this guy. Don't let things go where you are not ready to go, but also keep an open mind about things. This may be something that will be good for you in the long run.

[shanrucas]

Thanks Labrador,, It's good to have a male's perspective on things. Especially since I am easily suspicous of people upon first meeting them:cool:..I have only had two face to face encounters with this man and I feel him already crowding into my "bubble":eek:. We are both around the same age, I will be 50 in march and he is 52 I think, anyway I have always been quite independant and am very use to being on my own, this may have alot to do with it...but you are also right, I shouldn't push someone away so fast and keep an open mind. I plan on being honest with him about my need for things to progress slowly.

Shannon

[Lindamomof7]

Good for you Shannon

How is your Mom? Have you heard from Hotspot? I'm getting worried. He didn't have a good last session since he didn't remember it. I'm really concerned for him....

I saw my therapist tonight and tol her about the lupus diagnosis and her eyes lit up and she said Lupus can cause a lot of polarity problems. HMMM...

I have always been told something more physical is going on especially with my severe instant flips. So we will see....

Off to see her again tomorrow. She wants to meet my all my kids, lets see she know has seen 4, 3 to go

[shanrucas]

Hey there Linda, I'm sorry about the Lupus diagnosis, but at the sametime it's gotta be a little bit exciting to have some answers and some hope..you are on your way towards your quest for your normal.

Mom is doing, thats just about all I can say about that. This weekend she had more comfort and had a good appetite, still wanted to sleep alot. Today not so good, but tonight she is comfortable again..it's like instead of her brain being bipolor her body is.

Everytime I have logged on here I wonder about Hotspot, and Im hoping for the best. I tell myself he is just busy working or getting ready for the holidays and stuff. Freefawl has been MIA for awhile too.

[Lindamomof7]

Yeah Freefawl has been gone too. Hope everyone is alright.

Ok Shannon, another day....

we can do it right?

I see my therapist later this morning and she will be meeting my oldest daughter and chat a little with her to see whats going on with her about me. She has been a little more affected by all of this the last 5 yrs and since she is a science major if it isn't in a scientific formula, she doesnt get it. So all of this mental health stuff is so foreign and she wont let herself understand it... So maybe I can help facilitate a little nudge for her to continue to see the therapist:p

My 2 daughters are driving me then off to lunch and shopping. Tiss the season I guess.... I tell them catch me when you can of being in a holiday mood as I am known to try to totally cancel any festivities around here:(

Or I tend to overspend when feeling really festive Doesn't make hubby a happy camper then when he pays the bill, oh well can't please everyone !!!

[shanrucas]

I hope you have a good session today with the therepist, and I understand the difficulty dealing with the logical mind set person, My ex was like that as well as my last boss. It was just to hard for them to wrap their brains around what was going on with me.

Have a good day shopping...but maybe not to good, lol..maybe one of the daughters should hold onto your purse.

Shannon

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Shannon, Had a good day shopping, having lunch with my daughters and my 2 daughters spent more time with my therapist then I did today!!! :eek:

UHOH wonder what they were talking about??? Oh yeah, ME!!! :eek:

[notmary]

That seems a little scary to me Linda... I am sure my kids would give my therapist an earful about what kind of person I am these days. I am glad your day went well.

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Mary How are you doing?

Thanks

Haha yeah it could be scary, can't wait till I see her (therapist) on Thursday, I think???

[shanrucas]

Hehehe:D, I don't have kids to tell on me..although on the downside I don't have kids to tell on me:rolleyes:

I just had my phone interview for SSDI, it wasn't scheduled till Monday but they had a cancelation, talk about catching someone off guard, I am totally stressing myself about it.

Shannon

[Lindamomof7]

Oh no... how did you do??? I'm sure you did good. When will you know the outcome?

Just finished birthday dinner and cake and oh boy my son is just killing me. To much stimulation and then he just gets loud, revved up and hijacks all the conversations. So I snuck into my rec room and plopped in front of the computer

My Dr called. Looks like I am on life long coumadin. They are really concerned about the severity of lung clots I had and have and the pulmonologist feels I have a much rarer illness going on considering my history.

So more to think about and not sure if I am really processing all of this. It kind of feel like someone just popped my balloon. I have been feeling so good and I'm afraid this is a trigger.

Ugh and I see my therapist on thursday. Sounds like I need some diversions.... other then shopping