Hello, I am in need of help

[brodman]

Hey Jedidiah Elijah,

Sorry about your medical stuff. I would think not getting enough air in your body could make you have feelings of anxiety it also could be like the doc said be making it worse. I think you should take your shrink up on his offer that way you can talk with your parents sooner. What kind of prescriptions did you get? Is that going to make you ok till you can get fixed up? It sucks your second family isn't there now at least you can call them right? Did you tell them what the doc said?

I don't have siblings it's just me and my animals. Do you have animals?Why don't you drive? Your job at UPS I think would make me go insane it is a paycheck. Your bakery job sounds better except for the old shouting men which reminds me a little of my job. Do you get to eat a lot there take shit home? You said you stay with this host family do they take rent from you? If they don't you must have a nice stash

When I said I cart people around I meant I drive them. For 3 years I've worked at a senior bus company. I pick up to take them to the supermarket, doc appointments senior center outings and then I take them home or back to their assisted living and senior centers. The pay is decent and the bennefits better. Some really suck though Technically I dont have to help any of them on and off the bus except for ones in wheel chairs. I also dont have to help them getting their grandma baskets or packages on and off. I dont mind helping them but what several of them never understand is that if I help them with their walkers, canes baskets etc that I do so for the others I pick up too which makes me late to the next pick ups. They dont mind my helping several just expect it then bitch about my never being on time.

There are others that every pick up I stand outside their apartment or houses honking the horn and they are never ready. I dont expect them to come sprinting out when I roll up but come on you know you are being picked up why wait to put on the shoes and get your stuff together EVERY time. Others curse at me because I wont let their friend family member etc on the bus. They don't get it is the rule I don't make the rules. If I got into an accident and someone who I shouldn't of picked up is on the bus and gets hurt the company and me are liable they don't give a shit though. What's even more stupid is most family and friends could come with them if they made a simple damn phone call to the company. All I know is if the name isnt on my printed list they can't come on the bus. Anyway some are very nice and I look forward to seeing them. Some make me homemade soups and goodies others make me smile which I don't do lots of.

What do you prefer to be called Jedidiah or Elijah? If it's by your first name maybe someone could change it here for you. I like talkin with you one of the reasons I come back you arent takin up space anymore than anyone else comin here man

[IrmaJean]

I dont agree with the Amish lifestyles and thinking but that is an opinion all opinions are judgments on some level. I dont think because my opinion is different that it should be jumped on and picked apart wrongly.

Of course you have the right to express yourself, Brodman. I understand that it can be tricky sometimes doing that while respecting another. I think they key is stating what you feel without denigrating what another may be feeling.

Hell I just read in a post here an entire gender being bashed nothin was said about that oddly.

I must have missed that particular post. Sometimes I do miss things, but do my best...along with the other moderators... to help keep the site the safest place as possible for as many posters as possible.

Anyway I am doing my best to voice an opinion without putting Elijah himself down

I'm glad to hear that you are considering Elijah's feelings about this.

Only pointed out several times how to me some of what he says is wacked.

Instead of wording it like this, you might have stated that your experience is different from his. That way you are able to express your opinion without any judgment of his. It's good that you are trying.

[Elijah]

Hello, SpiritualEmergency, Brodman

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the Heaven. Ecclesiastes

I decided to accept my counselor's generous offer. There is always time to pay forward. I have been worrying about all of this a lot. He feels it is best to visit my parents soon in order to discuss what is occurring. Possibly then putting my mind more at ease. I do not believe I am thinking all that clearly and will follow his guidance. We will go on Sunday.

Brodman, I do not have a driver's license. Driving frightens me. It took me about 2 weeks to learn how to ride a bicycle. I prefer this as my major mode of transportation. In bad weather I sometimes take the bus, train or subway. I do not really like any of those especially the subway. The family I live with took me to a store and let me pick out any bicycle I wanted, they are very nice people. I picked one called a mountain bike although I am unsure why it is called this. There are not any mountains around here.

You do not find it scary driving one of those large buses around? Riding on a bus is scary enough, I could not imagine having to drive others around.

Working with senior citizens sounds like it could be fulfilling. As people age it is harder for them to get around on their own. I would not like people cursing at me either or wanting me to break safety rules.

Both of my jobs are only that jobs. I would not want to make a career out of either one. They are something to fulfill my time and give me funds. I do get to eat at the bakery. I also take home many of the not perfect enough items to sell.

I do not pay rent. I purchase my clothing and use my funds for exploring. I also save part of my earnings.

At home I have many animals chickens, turkeys, cows, goats, sheep, pigs, horses and barn cats.

Here in the home I stay at there is a cat which I do not think likes me, except for when I put food in his bowl. There is also a great big blond Labrador. They told me she was rescued. She had been with them about a year before I came to stay with them. She was scared and timid. Her name when they brought her home was Buffy. They changed her name to Annie which did not matter because she did not respond to either name.

The odd thing is and something I feel quite guilty over is that within 3 days of my coming to stay with them they tell me she changed. She went from staying mostly in a corner or being found under a bed to following me every place in the home. She is a big dog and I am not sure how she would of been comfortable under a bed. It felt strange having a dog follow me every place. She would whine and cry if I closed the bathroom or bedroom door with her on the outside. I probably should not have but I did not want her to be upset and I started making sure she was with me when I closed the doors. It was odd having someone watch while I bathed, she seemed happy though. She would lay at my feet while I read letting me pet her.

A lot of her fur would fall out, my second mother told me her shedding would not be as bad if she allowed being brushed. The brush frightened her. After a while she let me brush and bathe her. I also did not think Annie fit her and started calling her my Angel. It was not right of me to change her name however, she started actually responding when called Angel. The family did not seem to mind because she appeared a lot happier.

She is a very smart dog. I read some books and learned how to teach her things. Now she sits, lays down, comes when called, stays when told to, and gives her paw for a shake. Then she started doing some things I never taught her like bringing the telephone when it rings, and my sneakers when she sees me putting on my socks. Since my third night in the home she has slept in my bed. No matter how quiet I try to be when she is sleeping as not to wake her by my getting up she always does.

I enjoy taking her for walks. She helped me make several friends at the dog park. When I started learning how to roller blade she was right there to give me a face lick every time I fell which was a lot. Now I have become a better skater. I put her harness on and she pulls me down the blocks her tail wagging about.

I apologize I have gone on about Angel but she is a special dog. My host family tells me she was made for me. What kind of animals do you have?

I did tell my host family briefly what is occurring medically, they are very concerned. They will cut their trips short returning earlier than anticipated next week. They are scared for me. They believe I should start taking the medications immediately. I respect their opinion however, I need to discuss it with my parents.

I was given 4 prescriptions although I do not remember which name is for what medication. The names are

Coumadin

Digoxin

Oxycontin

Valium

I know 1 is to help with my heart rate, another is for possible blood clots, 1 is supposed to help me relax and 1 is for pain management. I will read and learn about them more later. I have been without medications my entire life. It is hard for me to understand the need suddenly for 4 of them.

Either of my names is fine to call me. If my user name could be changed I would not mind it. I would not want to lose all of my posts and of course the kind replies.

[Katey]

..........

[spiritual_emergency]

Here's a post I often share with people who are researching the medications that they or a loved one have been prescribed.

All of the links below are free and should not be construed as medical advice. Research is a starting point only. If you are concerned about a medication, research it, highlight your concerns and bring them to the attention of your medical provider.

- rxlist.com: This site is medically oriented with detailed reports.

- drugs.com: Medically oriented site. Reports are not as detailed as rxlist.

- askapatient.com: Consumer-oriented site with consumer ratings and comments.

- Drug Interaction Checker: Allows you to search for drug interactions you should be aware of.

[brodman]

OK, IrmaJean

Hey Jedidiah,

Will just call you by your first name. Now those are some hefty prescriptions like someone else here mentioned you should be careful with that stuff. Good thing you are takin your shrinks offer for a ride to your parents. If you knew me better I would have offered to take you. Hmm your parents would probably hate me. I live in Jersey. hopefully your parents can help you figure out what to do If you need the pills shouldnt you just take them wouldn't want health to get worse

As for driving being frightening I don't find it to be. I guess if you havent been in most transportation till a few years ago it could be I have driven so much and in all kinds of shitty weather I don't even think about it anymore. My job with the old people like I said has some good points never planned on it being a career or anything. I started by driving a school bus the company offered free paid training with decent benefits I used that to get my CDL. I hated driving kids but it was free training an a paycheck shortly after I got my CDL I left.

You know what a standard school bus looks like right? well the senior bus is about half the size for a little extra cash I also drive a taxi several times a month during the summer when my schedule is a little more flexable with the seniors I also drive a limo or party Hummer weddings, funerals, party girls. It's all just a way to get paid I don't plan on doing it forever. If I worked at a bakery Id probably become huge from all the sweet eats. I don't do well in one place I need movement. It's great you don't have to pay rent. I got tired of paying rent and worked my ass off to buy my own house. Now I still have to work my ass off to pay for it but at least it's paying into something I own. I'll be paying forever with a 30 year morgage glad I don't have to deal with landlords padding their pockets with my money.

Your dog Angel sounds real nice if you went back home could you take her with you? I think she would be crushed not having you around. She might also know there is something medically wrong with you dogs are like that. They can sense shit people can't. You listed barnyard animals you don't have any in your house back home?

I have 3 turtles and a Great Dane named Domino he is a big lug that thinks he is a lap dog. I got him one of those little tykes toddler car beds he sleeps in it at the foot of my bed. It's kind of funny since I couldn't really afford to furnish the house after my down payment, utilities etc have gotten stuff as absolutly needed my big guy deserved a good bed. None of the standard dog beds fit him or were a fortune. Out in the neighborhood last summer past a garage sale with the bed on the lawn he hopped right in. I knew that was his bed. I got one of those 3 inch thick egg crate matress toppers and cut it into 4 pieces stacking them on top of each other for extra support and comfyness to the toddler mattress in there He seems to love it. It makes cleaning easier too I just yank his sheets when I do my own.

My girlfriend doesn't like his bed in the bedroom bitches about it all the time. Domino and his bed were here before she came along and will stay after she has gone. she doesn't live with me either not sure why she thinks my house should be in a way she prefers. She wants me to put him in the other bedroom all alone. She use to be very nice lately she complains about everything. Been going out like 10 months I told her when we first started dating I don't plan on getting married I don't ever want kids. I remind her of my telling her all this at the beginning not like I sprung it on her after the fact she claimed to be fine with it. Now she is talking about wanting to get married and why won't I change my mind. It's getting old. Do you have a girlfriend? Are you allowed to have one? If you returned home is your wife picked for you? If you were to stay here would you still want to get married and have kids?

Now that you are having health problems will the time frame to make you life decided decsion be expanded?

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Hi Elijah,

I think it's a good idea that you meet your parents soon to discuss this and then you can get those other tests done to find out what the options are sooner and have to spent less time worrying about it beforehand. Maybe you could also ask the doctor, if you take more than one med, whether you can start taking them one after the other, so that you can figure out what they do individually?

Also I wanted to say that it's good to have people around who are concerned about you, but if you feel they increase your fear somehow, tell them that you need them to keep their calm, because it won't help you to become more scared.

Are you ok with your counsellor talking to your parents? I think your decission-making isn't really the priority at the moment, so maybe you could step back from trying to come to a decission until the medical issue is somehow resolved.

Till then I hope you can spent a lot of time with Angel and find a way to relax a bit and pets are great at that.

I would like a dog, but I can't have one at the moment, because I'm living alone and I don't want a pet that spents most of their time sitting alone in my room. We had a dog when I was little, but he died a long time ago and my parents didn't want another one.

Best wishes,

S.

[Elijah]

Thank you for the concern.

I did research all these medications my first response would be Wow. I did speak with the doctor further about possibly starting them one at a time he advised against that. He told me they are needed and should not pose any significant problems if taken as prescribed. He did not like that I had not already started taking them. He said he understood but hopes that I have begun by Monday.

Katey, it was nice to hear about your experience regarding driving. I find many do not understand. Some have told me they would rather die than not be able to drive. Can you believe that? I realize it is said like that to give impression of extreme want but still. I think in time when and if I need to I will climb the anxiety driving mountain until then it is not necessary.

SomethingOrOther, I do not have any concerns over my counselor speaking with my parents. I believe they both have the same amount of curiosity about each other. It should be an interesting get together.

My Host family is concerned for me. I am sorry to be messing up their Holiday time. Last year I spent it at home. This year the plan was for myself and host brother to fly to where his parents are. We would then all spend the holiday with their extended family. I was advised to not go on an airplane. I did not want them to change everything around.They told me they want to spend the holidays with me. They have gone to a lot of trouble rearranging their plans.

Brodman, I still do not know how you drive all those large vehicles. Once learned perhaps it is fun. I have seen one of those party Hummers. I have also been in a limousine that was interesting.

By the way my parents would not hate you, they do not hate anyone.

You paid for your own house? That is an accomplishment houses are very expensive here.

If I returned home I could not take Angel with me, she is not mine. She is the families dog. If I returned and was allowed to I would take her without needing to think about it. Having your own home and large dog sounds real nice. I looked up the bed you mentioned it is very cute.

Why do you not want to get married or have children? Either world I choose to be a part of I would like a wife with children. Maybe your girlfriend changed her mind about marriage. People change their minds all the time. If you do not want marriage and she does there does not appear to be much of a relationship future.

I do not have a girlfriend. I have taken a few to lunch and the movie theater. They were OK. They seem so, advanced here. Barely know someone and they want to be intimate. Being intimate with another I believe should mean something.

If I return home my wife would not be chosen for me. Each person has to find someone that completes and compliments one another. That can not occur without individual selection.

I will be leaving for my parents in a few hours. I will write when I return.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Hi Elijah,

I hope things went well with your parents. I know the doctor recommends what he thinks is the best treatment, but some are very used to have patients who just accept that and do whatever they are told. So, he can "not like it" all he wants, it's still your decision what treatment you get and when.

Is the doctor you're seeing at the moment the cardiologist or other specialist who will also see you through the treatment you need?

From the medications I've only taken painkillers, but not as strong as the ones you've been prescribed, and mine have an noticable effect after about 30 minutes, so maybe you can take the medication like prescribed and still notice what influence the single meds have on you. I think it could be useful to have a feeling for that, especially when you are not used to taking meds at all, but I see that it seems more important to start them soon. But I also have the impression that this is just the treatment to bridge the time until further tests are done, so there might already be changes then. (Also, I'm not a doctor)

S.

[brodman]

Hey,

Hope things went good with your visit.

I don't think you should feel guilty about having your host family change their plans things happen. Thanksgiving doesn't mean anything to me neither do most Holidays. To me they are only days in another week. If you get something out of it then being with these people instead of being alone is good.

Even if technically Angel isn't yours she really is. She has bonded with you which doesn't sound like she did for the entire year before you coming to live with them. If you did return I'd ask to take her with you.

I did buy my own house it isn't fully paid for though it's mortgaged. Not many people under 25 have their own home. I spent 2 years eating cereal, ramen noodles and eating whereever else it wouldn't cost me a dime. I've been living on my own since I was 15 and hated paying rent to live in crappy places. I decided to work my ass off even more to get what was needed to get out of that money draining hole. It is not easy mortgage, property taxes, insurance and utilities it all adds up significantly. I can do whatever the hell I want now have as many animals, paint the walls, have a backyard. Every dime I pay goes into something that is mine which is way better than paying off someone else's mortgage etc I also really wanted a dog and a large breed. Any other place either no pets were allowed or only tiny little dogs or a cat.

I never got an animal because if I needed to move finding someplace that allowed animals would also have to be factored into the decision. Some people ditch their animals which I think is disgusting. Getting an animal is a life term commitment. Now I can fill the house with animals if I wanted. Some turtles and Domino is way more than enough however. You should see Domino's food, toy and vet bills. I spend more on him than myself. He is worth every penny and then some. I got him from a Great Dane rescue he cost me $75 for donation fee. It is the best $75 I ever spent. I saw another Dane I really wanted too but I knew I couldn't afford both. Domino's well vet visits, kennel cough vac and monthly heartworm, flea and tick meds are more than enough. I started his own savings account a while back just in case he gets hurt or sick or something. I wanted to have a little bit of a cushion in case something happens. I'd max out the damn credit cards though if he really needed something.

I don't believe in marriage and I hate kids. If you really are in love with someone I don't think you need a ceremony and piece of paper. Good to know you at least get to pick your wife. I broke up with girlfriend she keeps blowing up my voicemail but she'll get over it. She's like I can't believe you are breaking up me because of my wanting to get married. Like you said if she does want marriage and I don't then there isn't a future for us. She was getting too demanding anyway. Always expecting me to spend every minute when I'm not at work with her. Complaining about everything. She wasn't clingy when we first started going out she says it was 8 months I thought it was longer. I'd take her to movies and dinners. She couldn't get it through her head mommy and daddy aren't throwing me money just because I exist. She has a lot of growing up to do. Her parents still pay for her cell phone, her car insurance etc etc She doesn't have a savings account and she constantly overdraws her checking.

I don't want to go to clubs and bars to piss money away. I don't need the latest shoes and bags every damn week. Then she started with the I bet you have someone else crap. It couldn't be that this is NOT working out. I think if you are with someone you should be that with them only. Another reason why I don't want to get married. This way when things don't work out can get out without many issues. It's one thing to enjoy spending time with someone and keeping time with them it's quite another to be demanding it. Her last message was I'll give you space to rethink this and we can talk tomorrow. There isn't anything to rethink or talk about. 6 minutes later she returned to leaving voicemails.

Anyway, I really do hope things went ok with your meeting. Will check back later or tomorrow to see how it went. I found this other site all about anger support it even has a chatroom. Maybe you would come and chat there? There is something about you that I feel drawn to don't worry I'm not gay. I don't know what it is really see ya

[Elijah]

My visit home did not go as I had hoped it would. Upon arriving I was quite sick from the ride. Long rides in motor vehicles make me ill. After introducing my counselor to my family he and my father went to meet with the Elders. I took a much needed nap.

When I woke up I sat with my parents and counselor for a long talk. He had already explained everything occurring medically. At home medical insurance of any kind is not allowed. It is highly forbidden and my parents were having a difficult time understanding how I could be as ill as was explained to them. They would rather I return home to live immediately than have surgery. They also do not want me to take any medication. My counselor was respectful of their views but found it hard to accept their way of dealing with my medical problems. My parents believe G-d will heal me. They are quite disappointed in my not believing it could be.

They did agree to sign the forms the cardiologist needs in order to file for emergency coverage. If I undergo the surgery they will not come to be with me or see me immediately after. Even with these medical problems my ultimate decision on whether I return home or not must still be made within the original time frame. I had hoped perhaps to get understanding in need of an extension.

Brodman, I do not understand why you would like me to go to another website to chat when we are chatting here. I do not think I would be welcome at an anger support site. I like it here everyone is friendly and welcoming.

I apologize for taking so, long to respond but I have not been feeling well. My counselor thinks I need to relax, that everything is overwhelming me too much. I have been trying to relax which is difficult for me to do. I am use to doing so, many things. Resting, hanging out is kind of new. A very nice person here sent me all these beautiful photos which I have been enjoying looking at. I am also trying to decide which classes I would like to audit in Jan. I need to have my choices chosen in a few weeks.

[spiritual_emergency]

~*~

My good blade carves the casques of men,

My tough lance thrusteth sure,

My strength is as the strength of ten,

Because my heart is pure.

The shattering trumpet shrilleth high,

The hard brands shiver on the steel,

The splinter'd spear-shafts crack and fly,

The horse and rider reel:

They reel, they roll in clanging lists,

And when the tide of combat stands,

Perfume and flowers fall in showers,

That lightly rain from ladies' hands...

~ Lord Alfred Tennyson

I am pleased to know that, all things considered, you are well, Elijah.

I can't say that I know what your answers are or should be but I trust that you will work that out for yourself in time. Life is a difficult journey at times but I will hope for you that your heart has the strength to ride it out.

~ Namaste

Music of the Hour:

[brodman]

Hey Jedidiah,

I'm a little confused are you gonna have the surgery to fix you up? Will your parents not talk to you anymore if you have it? How come you havn't started taking the meds if you don't wont you wind up back in the hospital? what does your shrink think about all this? How involved is the surgery would you have to stay in the hospital a long time? I really don't get your parents. Are you really considering returning home sooner?

Yeah we are chatting here somewhat but this place don't have an actual chatroom. We have been talking on a webboard, forum part of a website. There is a massive time delay between reading and responding. In a chatroom things happen in real time. I sent you the site link check it out. If you have any of the instant messengers we could use that instead of using a website.

What classes are you going to sit in on? Think you said you'd be able to sit in on 10 are you going to take all 10? Are you still working?

Reply when you are up to.

[Elijah]

I am also inordinately confused. I do not know which way is the best for me to choose. Part of me believes that my learning of being physically ill could be a sign. A sign of which world I need to embrace and which I should say farewell to. If I have learned anything it is that nothing is ever entirely black or white. Each choice comes with positive and negative consequences. I am not entirely certain of my capability in deciding. Every time I think I might be nearing the answer I seek, I learn how wrong I was.

I have not started taking the medications. I do not wish to return to the hospital as that in itself was a frightening experience. In all honesty I am not sure I could handle another stay in a place like that. I am hopeful that I can continue to get by without modern medications. I do not know if I will have the surgery. If I do I would need to remain in the hospital for 5 days. The surgery would permanently correct the problem with my heart. I have been told nothing further would be needed except lifetime monitoring after the recovery period.

If I decide to have the surgery my parents would still speak with me, they only would not visit me before or after having it. They are against anything of modern society. They believe I do not require medications or surgery. Until Rumspringa has ended I may partake in anything available here, medications and surgery would technically fall into that category. They merely made their opinion known reminding me of our belief system. I feel torn and selfish.

I have remained working at both of my jobs. I needed to reduce the hours because I become tired and ill feeling. Thankfully both of my bosses have been generous in understanding. My host family, cardiologist and counselor would like for me to stop working altogether for the current time. I am not able to do that. I must be productive if even on a smaller scale.

I have not chosen my 10 classes to audit yet. I have some ideas of which ones I would like.

I understand better now what you are saying Brodman, about the other website. I have not been in a chat room before. I am not sure I could keep up in such an environment. Many people in one place all typing at once. I would not mind trying it out.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Hi Elijah,

can you write a schedule for yourself about the decisions you have to make and when you have to make them? I think this could help to sort out what you need to think about real soon and what can as well wait another month. It's often easier to just do one thing at a time. It's also in that respect good that the decision about the surgery isn't really linked to the decision about returning to the community. I understand that it's not that simple, because it is also somewhat about your parents way of life, but you could have surgery and could still go back to the community is what I mean. The lifetime medical monitoring is something that is out of the equation, because if anything, they'll want to monitor you more, if you don't have the surgery. Meds are out of the equation because you wouldn't need them anymore anyway. It's still not an easy decision to make, and I don't know your belief system, but I think going to hospital voluntarily might be different than the last time and your host family would probably support you there, so maybe don't base the decision on thinking it would be too difficult. I wondered if you have discussed with anyone yet, whether the anxiety you've experienced in your life is connected to your heart defect, because to me it seems possible to interpret the physical signs of it as anxiety?

Best wishes

S.

[58corvette]

Hello Elijah;

Welcome to our Site. I have had the opportunity to watch several programs recently on Television about the Amish way of Life.

What you descibe in many ways is exactly the issues others in your Amish way of Life, Community & Beliefs have experienced also. So if it helps; from what I watched & Learned; YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

I also learned through time & experience most of them were able to make the best decision for themselves & their own Personal Direction. And most seemed to be leading Happy & Productive Lives.

They're were a few that were still confussed or one that had a drug problem that he was still battling. But that is normal in any Society.

I truly hope for you that you are able through time & experience to make a decision that in your conscience best suites you & makes you Happy.

Even if it does'nt I am sure either way you will be given another chance & opportunity to change it. It seems to me the Amish People & Communities are good People who mean well for themselves & others.

[Katey]

..........

[brodman]

Hey

Hospitals are creepy places Ive never liked them. They smell the food sucks and its hard to rest when someone comes in to poke you or do whatever every few minutes. I'm not a doctor but if your heart gives out man that's it game over no more of anything. If having surgery and staying for 5 days means you'd be fixed up for life sounds worth it to me. Think of all the reading you could do, friends visit and bring gifts you can watch endless tv and play video games. Do you have a netbook or laptop? Most major hospitals have wifi you could surf and chat till your fingers fell off. It isn't an ideal set up wouldn't be too horrible if you planned good. The family you live with would visit right? I bet that shrink of yours would too. I get that your parents don't want to be part of modern society that's their choice I do find it weird they wouldn't visit their son. All the times I was in the hospital neither of mine came either even before 1 died and the other got locked up. Mine never gave a shit about me though yours you say care and love you. I don't get why they couldn't visit before or after to check on you to help you through it all etc They don't have to take the meds or have surgery supporting their kid is another thing. I think you will be fine without them.

Have you had a second opinion about your medical stuff? Maybe another doctor would think different or have other options. I get not wanting to sit around on your ass all day. I'm not sure how some people do that day in and day out. You working could be making you sicker dangerously too without taking the meds. I know you want to take those classes in Jan how are you going to take all of them and work while not feeling well? Now if you have the surgery you'd be all fixed up and I assume able to get more out of them.

Anyway, it was nice talking to you on the phone sorry I could only talk for a few minutes. I forget to charge the damn phone all the time. I have to get that new charger grid that you can just throw the phone on. You know you could make a million calls while in the hospital too. Many things to pass the time. Gotta drag my ass into the shower now before work. It is pouring windy rain should be a fun filled day.

[Elijah]

Hello Everyone,

Corvette is a nice looking vehicle especially the older models. I gather it is a vehicle for single people since it does not have room to fit a family.

I have written out a time lined schedule of what and when I must decide various issues by. I have not found it to limit my worrying over everything unfortunately. I have also discussed my anxiety inquiring if the medical problems cause it. The doctors and my counselor are not sure how much the anxiety is medically related. They do think my having anxiety attacks is seriously effecting my medical problem. Until my heart defect is corrected there just is not anyway to know for sure.

If I were to have the surgery my host family would be involved. My counselor also stated he would visit often if I wanted. He is a very nice man who also offered to stay with me the morning I would have the surgery. They both believe I should allow the doctor to schedule the surgery. They wish also that my parents would be of more support. They have done their best to assure me they would be there for me.

I am not sure if correcting something G-d created is such a wise decision. All the support in the world would not be able to undo such a drastic choice.

When I was in the hospital I was found to be allergic to Aspirin. My tongue swelled up and they needed to give me other medication to correct what the Aspirin caused. I have read a lot of people have medication allergies. I omitted telling my parents of this because it would have only solidified their beliefs against modern medications. If I have the surgery I would need to be on medication for at least 6 weeks following it. After surgery I would need to be monitored every 3 and then in 6 month intervals for the rest of my life. Further medications should not be needed. I am told that once corrected it is more of a precautionary matter to have check ups than absolutely required.

I am not sure what I will choose to do which appears to be a never ending theme in my life as of late. I have to decide by this coming Monday. I did like seeing all the suggestions of things I could do while recuperating. I sure could get a lot of reading done. I could also bring my Macbook. I would have visitors even my bosses one of which is quite hard nosed offered to visit. I was shocked since he does not tend to show a personal side. My host family tells me they will bring me food as will my counselor. In all of their minds it is an easy decision. I know they mean well although I am unsure they know the true gravity of how making this kind of decision is for me. I can not fault them for this nor expect them to understand entirely.

My communitie's beliefs rejecting the majority of modern society is based in part by the Bible's teachings. It is mostly sacrificed out of respect for the sanctity of remaining pure in mind and soul. Outside influences are believed to steal one of their commitment and time. Family and community is paramount. Modern beliefs an technologies are not required to live a happy and fulfilled life there for they are deemed unnecessary. G-d is believed to have created all that is required. Most items subsequently created are considered lavish luxuries enticements from the dark side. If too many of these enticements are partaken in then it becomes more difficult to remain unclouded.

I write G-d like I do because it is considered offensive to not do so. He should only be spoken of or written about while in congregational surroundings. Doing so, like I have now a few times in a way is dishonoring. His name should never be in any written form that could possibly be defaced. Since being out in this world I too have learned this is also a custom sometimes followed in Judaism.

Brodman, I too enjoyed our short talk. I do not make a lot of phone calls. The first few months after I began living with my host family they would joke me about it. They had added me to their family cell telephone plan because they believed it was dangerous for me not to be able to telephone if needed. I was so, use to not telephoning anyone that they thought their first several bills were a mistake. I had not made any calls. Compared to the lines stating the amount used per telephone for everyone else in the family mine was always 0. I still do not use it all that often. I tend to get more incoming telephone calls. Do not laugh but the first several times it rang and vibrated in my jean pocket it scared me.

I see people with them almost glued to their ears every where I go. I wonder when do they take time to look around and be a part of the world. When do they think. A few at my UPS job are always talking away on them. I think they would be severely lost if they broke. One lady misplaced hers and was frantically searching for it. Until I learned what she was looking for I thought something horrible had happened. I could not understand her level of upset over it being misplaced for about 15 minutes. She told me it was her "lifeline" I felt incredibly sad for her. I also found it odd being in a group of 8 people that I the most technology challenged person was the one to think of calling her telephone enabling it to ring and be located.

[brodman]

See I knew everyone would want to visit and help ya out. Take them up on their offers and get yourself fixed up. 5 days isn't all that long a time if you really think about it it's not even a week. I'm not a religious person but do you really think if there is a way to get fixed up he wouldn't want you to be? That shrink of yours seems real involved never really heard of a shrink driving people places and willing to visit at hospitals. You know somewhere you wrote about this being a sign maybe you are right. Maybe it's a sign to show you that you can really do things without your parents. I've found friends can be at times more supportive than family. Anyway did you get your instant messenger downloaded yet then we can realtime chat.

The weather was horrible today which worked out in my favor. Many of the old people don't go out I only had a few of the ones I really like. Today was shopping day took them to the supermarket and kmart. They are getting all this stuff to dress up their apartments houses for Christmas. This really cute couple came out of the store with an over flowin cart full of stuff. Thankfully because several didn't come there was plenty of room for it all. Another lady came out with a 5ft plastic snowman under her arm walkin with her cane. Someone else rolled her cart out with a huge box with a 7ft tree inside. She said she is tired of real trees and the work to take care of it.

She was my last drop off and on the way back she started telling me how she isnt sure how she'd get this thing in the house or put together. I felt bad for her and offered to help her. She is one of the nicer ladies and boy can she cook she's always bringing me awesome food. She has a very nice house big front window where she wanted the tree. I put the tree together which was insanely large all fluffed out. I got her lights on it and angel topper. I left her to the ornaments which she had boxes on top of boxes of. Felt bad she didn't want me to leave I had to get the bus back. She seems real lonely.

I don't put anything up except a stocking for Domino and sometimes I get a wreath. What do you do for christmas?

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Hi Elijah,

I didn't expect the list to limit your worrying about everything.. you still have to do that yourself. I suppose you have this one decision to make till moday, so the others are not important till tuesday. Maybe if you think of courses or something like that nonetheless, you could write it down on a piece of paper and then put it away, because you don't have to keep it in mind now, you can look it up later, when it's time to look it up.

I can understand that it is a difficult decision for you, and I can't advise you about it. I'm not a religious person and there's a lot of religious points of view that I don't understand. And then there's also religious points of view that don't understand me, because I'm a scientist. However, I believe if god exists, he'll be pleased that scientists at least put some effort into understanding his creation. That is very different from your belief system.

[randomperson]

I read a few of your posts. I have a deep respect for the Amish. I have had little personal contact, but what I know has earned that respect.

The self discipline is something most of us need more of, but lack.

You are correct anything outside of moderation tends to tempt us and lead us astray. The challenge lies within us. What tempts one, might not be tempting or even unhealthy for another.

Your best example is in fact Cell phones. For that one lady clearly it has become something harmful in her life, but for you not so much it is helpful a tool to keep you safe when you need it The deep moral question is should we all together avoid such temptations, even if some might be helpful in moderation. It is a question we must each ask ourselves.

The trick is setting clear lines of what not to cross and sticking by it. Knowing what will lead you personally down the wrong paths and staying away from those temptations.

You face some difficult choices, and I am sorry you are at such a young age. I suggest searching the scriptures and praying for guidance and peace about all of this. You are never alone

Might I ask what the moral issue is with modern medications?

That is one thing I never learned.

Hope you are feeling better.

[Katey]

..........

[Elijah]

Hello

Brodman, I was picturing the seniors coming out of the store as I read what you wrote. At work I often find myself wondering what is in all the packages I am surrounded by. Sometimes packages are found open or falling apart, The items inside at times are quite interesting. There was a large box several weeks ago that fell apart inside was a huge stuffed horse which moved and made noises. There was also another package which fell open from the bottom that had an array of "sexual aids" in something titled an all in 1 kit. I still do not know what half of those items were. There does appear to be many people receiving these aids because our baskets tend to be full of them often.

It must be nice to help the seniors as you do. The woman you helped with her Christmas tree perhaps is lonely. I am sure she appreciated your company and help. I find here many older people and people in general do not have anyone in their lives. It is hard for me to understand this with so, many people in the world. I do not think anyone should be lonely.

I spend my Christmas with family and friends. Will you spend time with friends? Last year I returned home for a traditional Christmas celebration comprised of good food, game playing, story telling. This year I will stay and celebrate with my host family. They have a large tree, many decorations all around. My host family is part Jewish so, we are also in the beginning of celebrating Chanukah. It is a festive time of being together, meeting some of their extended family and exchanging gifts. Like Domino even Angel has a stocking hung up. I will have to go to the pet store to get her something. She already has a few gifts from others in there. She really enjoys these bones called Nylabones in the chicken flavor. I will get her one of those. She loves tennis balls and anything that squeaks. I wonder if they have squeaky tennis balls.

You mentioned that you have been in the hospital, what for? I had a long talk with my counselor and doctor today. I have decided to have the surgery despite my parents objections.

SomethingorOther, what kind of scientist are you? I find science to be amazingly interesting. Besides deciding on having the surgery I have also chosen 8 of my 10 classes to audit. I am grateful they are allowing me to audit 10 more. There are so, many choices it is difficult to pick. Now having a large decision decided and another almost finished it is bringing moderate relief.

Randomperson, I do find out here many things are quite a bit more flexible. Everyone no matter where they are is capable of deciding certain things for themselves. Out here it is more acceptable to be and think different. The moral issue with modern medications is that they are believed unnecessary. Everything occurs for a reason and should be resolved by what is naturally provided. Here they are referred to as "home remedies" or homeopathic treatments. At home if these means are unable to cure or help than the consequences what ever they may be is considered do course. Modern medications are considered meddling with this course. I am not sure it is really a moral issue rather than a belief. Not all Amish communities believe this and some believe and accept much more of the outside world than others. In my community there has been very little partaking in modern medications. Example: Those with Epilepsy or type 1 Diabetes are managed with special diets and home remedies. When these ways have failed others are tried. In a few rare instances modern medications were attempted. Most will not partake irregardless of the past natural attempts failing. Old Order, strict communities will not allow any partaking of these modern medications.

Katey, I do not mind you asking questions. I do not mind any of you doing so. I might not have an answer but for those I do I am more than willing to.

Which version of the Bible are you reading? I have read many different versions and translations. The version I am most familiar with since youngin time is the King James Version. Since beginning Rumspringa I have read in their entirety the New King James version, the English Standard version, New Living Translation, The Holman Christian Translation and the Douay Rheims. I have also skimmed through several other versions.

The version I am most familiar with is not necessarily the correct translation. I do not believe their is a correct one. My community adheres and finds the KJV to complete their beliefs the best. None of the versions truly encompass everything. Amish beliefs are learned and instilled mostly through the Ordung of unwritten rules.

I hope I have responded to most of what you all have asked or commented about. I appreciate your care and time very much.

I am not feeling well so, I will go rest now.

[randomperson]

I am sorry you are not feeling well.

Sounds like you are facing a complicated issue I struggle with myself at times.

How much of life is self choice vs destiny.

I used to worry about this more than I do now. Worried if I did or said the wrong thing I would mess up the future that was planned for me, mess up my destiny. I felt a lot like you mention.

Then something happened one day I forgot what it was.. but it taught me an important lesson I carry with me even now. I personally feel as long as you are doing what is right, trying to follow the right path.. it isn't so easy to mess up the big picture.

I looked at things totally different, if miracles happen.. how can my tiny mistakes and choices when I am trying to follow the right path overwrite the "big picture"

I feel He works with us in our everyday choices.. not against us.

If something is meant to happen it will, despite the tiny things we do. As I say this it helps me with things I have been struggling with.. It was a lesson I learned long ago but have brushed aside recently...

But this is my personal beliefs.

Let me also share a story with you. When I was just entering my teens my hip slipped out of place. Just happened. If I had not went into surgery that week I would have lost the ability to walk. I now have a piece of metal holding it in place. I can walk just fine no one would know unless I told them. The question arises, if I just let it happened how would my life have changed? Was it wrong to get the operation to save my ability to walk?

There are things I have done that has helped others I would not have been able to do without being able to walk.

Sometimes people are brought in your life to help you grow.. sometimes things happen even very bad things for the same reason.. often we can't see it at the time.. sometimes we can never see it.

There are many things the outside world can learn from you.

You are a blessing already just to the few people outside of your community you have touched.

I don't have the answers, that you must seek within.. but what we offer is things to help you think this out and hopefully find the answer you are looking for, and give you support right now.

Maybe you already said but if you do not get the operation what happens?

I hope you are feeling better today. I wish you the best. I can not imagine what you must be feeling and going through right now.