Am I a pedo? PLEASE HELP ME.

[confusedboy16]

Please help me.

I am ever so confused. I have been diagnosed with OCD, offically, by my doctor and medication presribed. I still think I'm a pedo. I'm sure I'm attracted, when I'm out and about I'm constantly looking at people in a sexual way, and almost looking for someone to look at. Thing is, I have no sexual desire. I'm worried that when I'm older I may abuse a child as I'm gay, and have had no sexual relationship. Everyone tells me pedophiles always attack. I don't want to. I saw a boy today, he must have been about , and I questioned whether or not I was attracted to him. That's the thing! I just don't know. I feel like I am trying to avoid the situation, like pretending I'm not one. Like I'm finding it hard to admit I am, but that's the thing, one minute I think I am, the next I don't. I HAVE masturbated over younger boys before. But in general, I guess, I don't FEEL attracted to CHILDREN. I just don't know. Am I? I get scared about going out incase I see a child. It's like I want to see children though? I've been obbsessing over this for a while. I have a fetish for sports shoes/ clothes. Earlier I masturbated over a picture of a shoe -- I know, I'm weird -- but, I masturbated over wearing the shoe at 11. I mean, me wearing the show. Thing is, I'm sure it's only young sports boys I feel attracted to? When I'm out and about I always look at young boys, like teenage boys, in school uniform. I love teenage boys. Am I a pedo?

[malign]

CB,

We can't help you. Believe me, we've been trying.

But there are only two answers:

1) yes, which isn't true and would only freak you out more, and

2) no, which is what we've been saying (quite a lot) but hasn't helped you.

From what I understand about OCD, what can help you is the meds that you have been prescribed, and therapy to deal with the anxieties.

Now, you may possibly be afraid that therapy for OCD might mask pedophile tendencies. It won't. The therapy might help you with your fears, but only if the fears are untrue. It won't make you a fearless pedophile.

So, please, try and give it a chance. Try to use techniques like deep breathing and distraction to keep your mind from hitting the same old groove every time. You need to have enough patience to let the meds and your therapy have a chance to work.

[confusedboy16]

Malign,

How is is NOT true? I'm sure I am. I have masturbated over younger people. I understand I seem to like sporty boys, and teenagers. I also feel attracted towards older boys. I feel like I'm just afraid to admit I'm a pedophile. My head is all over the place. It's all I can think about. I keep double questioning myself.

[malign]

CB,

This is not an argument, in which I convince you, one way or the other.

Like I said, there are two possibilities. You choose; I don't know you well enough to do it for you, even if that were possible.

I will simply add that I have masturbated with my eyes closed, that does not make me an eyelid-ophile.

My suggestion, which you may take or leave, is to advise your therapist or psychiatrist that you continue to feel the same way despite the medication, which I assume you're taking.

[confusedboy16]

Malign,

Okay, but, surely if you masturbate over a younger person/ child, that makes you a pedophile?

[malign]

You can masturbate over anything your mind can conjure up.

All it "makes" you is wet.

For instance, you can masturbate over images of forced sex.

You're still not a rapist ... It might be a matter for concern, but the concern would need to translate into the action of getting help!

Otherwise, it just gets talked to death, with no one learning anything new.

You would have to tell me what you are, CB. Or a doctor might.

[confusedboy16]

Malign,

I'm confused. What do you mean, "I would have to tell you what I am"?

[malign]

Hi CB.

What I mean is that I've given you my opinion, from far away, and you keep trying to argue with me about it. The truth is, the only person in the world who can prove to you that you are, or are not, a pedophile is you.

Have you discussed the fact that you still have these thoughts with your prescribing physician and/or your therapist?

[confusedboy16]

Malign,

I don't mean to argue, I'm just confused, but, how do I know?

[malign]

I do realize that you're not intentionally arguing. You're "what-if-ing".

I would suggest that you would know if you can reach a place of peace, where your thinking is silent, and then look inside. Don't look for an answer (that's thinking), just look.

And I know that probably won't be possible with your thoughts swirling the way they are. That's the purpose of the medication (which I hope you're taking): to give you a break from that rush of thinking, so you get a chance to feel, sometimes. And that's why I urge you to tell the doc that it's still happening.

[confusedboy16]

This is the thing Malign, I don't feel like a pedo, but at the same time I do. I don't feel attracted to children in general, but I've masturbated over children before, so surely that tells me something? The worry comes and goes. I know in a few days it will be gone.

[malign]

... so surely that tells me something?

It tells you to quit calling me Shirley! :-)

{I apologize for being a fan of the movie 'Airplane' ...}

We're back to my question about whether a person who has fantasies of forced sex is automatically a rapist. There is a difference between thoughts and actions, and it comes up all the time in OCD. A person can think almost anything; that doesn't mean that they will necessarily do that thing.

You use the word "feel like a pedophile", but I bet that what you're doing is thinking. From what I hear you telling us, you feel bad every time you think you're a pedophile. But again, that's just my opinion about what I hear you saying.

One thing that I hear you being concerned about is the idea that you might actually be a pedophile and that your treatment might make you unafraid to be one. The thing is, even if that were possible, the best way to handle it would be to confide your thinking to your therapist, who could then take over monitoring you to see whether you "turn into" a pedophile. Personally, I don't think that reducing your fear will eliminate your conscience at the same time. And, I happen to believe that it's equally "bad" if you're not a pedophile and end up spending your life in fear of being one.

[malign]

Well, no, Kipper, that's not how we usually do things around here ...

{Note to other members: this is my response to a post that has been removed, for good reason.}

I can understand your anger, and that you feel that confusedboy is taking up time unnecessarily. But that's where you miss the point: whatever he's suffering from, he is due the same respect that you have received here. It certainly won't work to threaten someone away from here, simply because the community won't stand for it.

Now, if you feel slighted in some way over your experience here so far, feel free to post about that. Many of the issues you brought up about your own life are valid things to talk about here. Even that anger that you feel like someone has "taken the only place I have left".

But not with name-calling or threats. This needs to remain a safe place for everybody.

[confusedboy16]

Malign,

Today has been OK. I haven't thought too much about my problem. Although, I have questioned myself, again! Wondering if I am, if I'm not? I saw a bouy at the shop earlier, a year younger than me, again, he was sporty. I must say, I neither love OR hate children. If I'm being honest, they annoy me, they're immature and silly. I seem to only be attracted to sporty younger boys. I don't feel like I want to kiss them, it's always just about this fetish, but with older boys I do want to kiss them, and, well, you get the picture.... I'm still confused. I keep thinking "did I like that boy", "did I?". The other day I masturbated over a "boy" I don't know his age, in the local newspaper. I saw that newspaper again today in the shops, I can't get it out of my mind. It's not like I want to go and buy it again, at least I don't think it is, it just pops in my mind. Sorry to cause you hastle again. I know you must be getting fustrated.