Problems

[rosequartz]

I am at a time where I do not know where to turn. My story has been a long road of depression, but 25 years ago, I had CBT, it did help for a while as I went along with the new personality that I was, but eventually for one thing or another I lost all of the new taught CBT. Things happened like my partner leaving me with a baby, I lost my home had to start again, but what was worse than anything was that he was my connection to 'home', he was my parent and Iwas totally dependant on him. I knew in my head that I could be independant but in reality this was not possible.

So I changed all of what the CBT told me, and brought up my child alone for a while. I felt dead and numb for years and was carrying the worlds problems on my shoulders, as I thought I was the only responsible person in the world, stupid I know now but if you can imagine this was how I was. I turned to God and had a family in the Christian church. But they did not fulfill my need to belong completely and I met someone who I started a relationship with, he turned out to be a condemning bully and he had no time for me or my daughter, after 6 years I had enough and gradually over time, I got rid of him. I foolishly got with him, as I thought he was strong like my dad and I thought that I should be stronger too as I was so weak.

Eventually I became just like him, in arguing with him and denying things and being critical and stuff like that just being very sensitivwe and defensive, yes I know who I am now but I cannot make any changes in my mind.

In this day I have major problems, he left when my daughter was 10 years old and I tried to make it up to her, we got closer and as she grew in years I found I got stronger in myself too. Until now, she has a boyfriend who lives far away and she insists on spending a lot of time and nights with him, this is just making me fell ill and I realise that I never got stronger only dependant on her.

Now she is not around I feel really ill and have to fight wanting to top myself. We have talked, but I dont want to cage her and equally she does not want to see me ill, but neither of us know what to do we are both really in pain and both of us, crying all the time. I said tonight that she should go for good, as I think if I did not have this pain of her hurting me like this, if I just had my own pain of being totally isolated then maybe I would be more responsible about it.

The other problems I have is that I fail to get on with people, I do not work, and have problems even finding anything but voluntary work to do. But at work I am upset and angry alomost every day, today someone said to me you should say please, and I was asking someone a question and I just went like a victim and said no I do not say please for a question. But it has played on my and ruined my day, other things like this happen to me all the time.

Then I get home to find my daughter is quiet and not close to me until she says yes I want to stay away another two nights in a row. Which just slaughters me, I cannot help but say you do not care about me, as I get feeling so ill when she stays away. I seem to have so many issues but sometimes I do feel good and do not think about my problems, it seems to be mood based or personality based, as I think how can I be? to get on in the world and I have no idea.

All I have to go on is what I was like before CBT and I seemed to have a good life then compared to now, I just feel I cannot trust or turn to anyone unless they are in an anonymous forum or paid to listen like counsellors etc. and it has been like this for over 25 years. Can anyone advise me on how to correct things? I am also trying to follow the mood diet but it does not seem to help, I do take medication too.