No hope, no one to talk to

[Solstice]

I'm not sure why I'm posting this, since there's really nothing that can be done. But I don't have anyone in my life that I can talk to about this, and I need to at least express it, rather than just having these thoughts bounce around in my head.

My marriage is a mess, for too many reasons to try to convey here. I've decided to stay -- again, for too many reasons to really share, but primarily because: (1) I love my husband; and (2) I feel responsible for the state the relationship is in, and I want to try to fix it rather than quitting. But staying has just become brutally awful. The majority of the time, my husband ignores me and just generally acts miserable. Occasionally, he snipes at me about how miserable the relationship is, how many mistakes I've made, and how I'm not making anything better. Over the weekend, I asked him why he chooses to stay. His response was that he cannot leave because he would not be able to get health insurance, and he gets a lot of financial support because of me that he would not otherwise get.

So there's my life in a nutshell. I'm staying because I care and want things to be better. He's staying because of finances. And I'm just not dealing with that fact. I feel absolutely hopeless and bleak, like there are no good choices. I've always believed that, while there may not be any choices in a given situation that I like, there are always choices that are smarter or better than others. But I don't see that here. I don't see how I can fix the relationship at this point, so my choices are stay, be miserable, and make him miserable, or leave, be miserable, and screw him over financially.

Again, not sure why I'm posting this. I guess I just want to feel "heard." Just to forestall a few questions, though -- no, he won't consider couples counseling. And yes, I am in counseling, but my therapist doesn't have any brilliant solutions either, and I feel like I'm just wasting her time with my constant complaining about my marriage.

[Waiting]

Hi Solstice,

I know why you are posting I have been there and really still am. You want someone to listen and understand and hopefully make it just a bit better. I went through a similar situation. My wife and I could not agree on things and I was depressed and life just sucked in general. We have two kids and in the long run with some support I left. I needed help, but I knew it wasn't gonna get fixed because my wife would have no part in fixing it.

The kids are with me and we have to leave the house because my wife would not. It is now almost three later and she is still there alone, but things definently improved. I have had a lot of other things go wrong, but I will never regret leaving.

[58corvette]

Hi Solstice;

I am new to this Site. I may not be of any help to you right now; but in many ways I can relate. It has been 7yrs. since my now Ex-Wife left me after a 23yr. Marriage. I lost everything that was important to me. I still feel very alone; but I am still here so there is still hope.

I was & still am a believer that when you make a marriage vowel it is forever. And in the end I hope you & your Husband find a way to work it out & make it. However I now know myself she did not want to be Married & fell out of Love with me If she ever was in the first place? So although I am Alone & not in a good place myself at this time; I am better off. I believe we all need to be Loved & Love. Someday I hope to find it again. First I know somehow I have to get my own Act together so I may find a Healthy, Good, True, Loving & Caring Relationship.

My Hopes & Thoughts are with you. YOU HAVE BEEN HEARD!!!

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Solstice, Waiting and Corvette and Everyone,

Marriage discord is an awful thing. So is divorce until everything settles down. For example, Corvette, I hope that, when you feel ready, you will start dating again. Life does not end with divorce even though its tough to go through the process.

Solistice, it takes TWO people to fix a marriage and, if your husband will not, then there is nothing you can do but leave, ie, divorce. From what you describe of him it is hard to know how you can love him. He stays around for you medical coverage??? Horrible.

What do others think??

Allan

[Waiting]

I Agree ASchwartz,

Divorce is no picnic, but it at least gives hope. I certainly don't wish to rush anyone, I just don't people to get stuck in the idea there is no options.

It does take two to make a marriage work and in some cases even that is not enough.

You need to focus on yourself. If he is only there for medical coverage and he makes you miserable I say look to the future. He will find away. You need to make your life whole.

Waiting

[Solstice]

Thanks to all of you for your thoughtful replies. I'm just not ready yet to go down the divorce path. I guess I blame myself too much for how things are. I know it can't be fixed if he won't try, but I keep hoping I can do enough to make him want to try.

It's kind of pathetic, I know. But I don't want to quit on this like I've quit on everything else in my life.

[Waiting]

It is not pathetic and there may yet be hope.

I struggled for 7 years after I became depressed before I "gave up".

I think though it is important not to think of it as giving up. If something is not working then keeping it going is not really success to me.

I tried everything I could to get my marriage to work and I am sure than 3-4 years before I choose to leave it was an impossible task, but we each have to make our own way. For me I needed support to leave. My self esteem had been bashed in a number of ways from that relationship. The person who helped me is my new partner and we are amazing together.

[58corvette]

Mr. Swartz, Waiting & Solstice;

So far I have not met another Lady at this point in my Life. I have tried. Just hasnt happened yet. Which is partly why im on this site in the first place. Not to find a Woman but to get the help & advice I need to get my life to a place where I can at least have hope to continue on. I know I need help overcoming my Depression, Anxiety, Social Issues, Unemployment, you name it. Then as this is happening I may find someone & visa-versa.

Waiting; I am glad you have found someone & it is amazing for you. Hopefully someday I can Post the same. Both you & Mr. Shwartz have Valid & Helpful points.

Finally Soltice; Again I can relate in so many ways. Are there any Children involved? If so is this affecting your Situation any?