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Transference?


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I've posted a thread previously about having a burgeoning crush on my therapist. Since discussing those feeling in this arena, I decided to share this with her in a session some 6 months ago. That was the only time we discussed my romantic desire for her. Now, after moving away for school, I still have weekly/bi-weekly sessions via Skype. Her support is very important to me and the patient-therapist bond is firmly intact. I've been with her for over a year and have come to know a bit about her as an individual. In our last session, she told me "I really love you". In light of the fact that we have a close connection, I took this to mean platonic, humanitarian love--but when I think about my relationship with her, the latent warmth and affection comes to the forefront again.

Is it common for a therapist to tell a patient that they love them, however non-romantic? I think knowing that its commonplace to hear that in therapy, would help quiet my adolescent musings about what it might mean.

Thank you

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Thank you for replying. It was within the context of pulling me out of sadness and the feeling of overwhelming isolation. There was nothing at all romantic about the statement--it was very much a declaration of friend-love. Its stirred up my desire for her--partly because I think her love for me means that we're friends beyond the therapy dynamic. Is it okay to think that about one's therapist? Do these feelings diminish the therapeutic focus of our relationship? Is it common for the therapist-patient dynamic to morph into friendship? Last session ended like a conversation with my best friend might--I'm going through a difficult transition and she assured me that I have her love and support--she blew me a kiss, and I 'caught' it. All very innocent, but I don't know if its common.

I appreciate your correspondence.

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Guest SomethingOrOther

Maybe a therapeutic relationship is like a friendship in some ways, but it doesn't make her your friend, and posts like yours worry me a lot.

The thing is, you came here, because you felt uncertain about your relationship and insecure and are worried if this is still a safe therapeutic environment or not.

In other words, you're not sure if she keeps the boundaries in place properly.

You should talk to her about this.

Also, I doubt a lot of therapists blow clients kisses, but more importantly, you're not the one who has to know whether that is common. In my opinion, she's the one who has to make sure she doesn't stir up feelings that are potentially harmful to your relationship or you as a person.

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Thank you Something, it feels good to dialogue about this in a safe space. I realize that I should talk to her about this, but I don't want to make her feel guilty or bad. I know that shouldn't be a concern of mine--this dynamic is supposed to exist for my own benefit. I guess I can't shake the juvenile desire to be liked by everyone. Beyond that, I do care for her and wish to keep working with her.

I feel that my attraction leads me to amplify minutia into something much bigger--the uncertainty is why I'm posting here to gain an objective view of it. Thanks again for responding.

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Hi Pilate80!

Transference is so tricky! It has quite a bit of healing potential though, and I encourage you to keep dialoging for as long as you need. To be perfectly honest, I never had a good, clean experience of it with any of my many therapists. They just couldn't seem to handle it!!!! Or was it me that couldn't handle it, and stopped short of doing my part to be forthright:rolleyes:?:). Who knows? The point I learned was that I could still get to a place of healing by continuing to process what happened and learning from the experience. In the end, you learn what it is that YOU want in a close relationship. This transference struggle helps you define it. Many people don't get a chance to work these issues through with someone, and therapy is supposed to help you with that.

If you find yourself getting caught in a netherworld of fantasy thinking you will end up in an intimate relationship with your therapist, see if you can take one step back and maybe just look at what it is that you are attracted to, what it is that you want. Start believing that you can have those things, but with a person that is not your therapist. This may be tough at first because of feeling attached.

Now, if you find yourself getting caught in a netherworld of feeling that your therapist wants to be in an intimate relationship with you too... that is very very tough. You may end up in a situation where they will deny you and then you feel crazy for what you were percieving was real. You will not be able to know what is real and what is not real from their standpoint. Professionally, they can lose their license for misbehaving, so they may get quite slippery on you. The are supposed to be trained in this whole dynamic, BUT, in reality, it really seems to go badly in many cases.

Here we are able to talk about these things and not feel crazy.:)

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Guest SomethingOrOther

Pilate, you don't want to be a spoilsport, so you try to find proof that your worries are unnecessary and your doubts are inappropriate and your therapist is a good therapist and knows exactly what she's doing. That's how I see it.

Just, that doesn't work, because you're the client.

The clients feelings are the ones that are important, so you should bring them up. I don't think you're blowing anything out of proportion and though it's not possible to guess what exact meaning she puts into her gestures, you need to ask for clarification, especially when it's a gesture that a significant part of the population would interpret as flirty.

I think what you need more than an objective view is the confidence that your feelings are a reflection of a valid and very reasonable concern for your safety. She cannot responsibly give you a negative reaction for expressing this and even if it makes her "feel bad", she should be able to use this constructively to improve her approach.

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I have been following along on a few threads about this topic and just reading along.

Thought I would just add my thoughts if thats ok...

I think there is a fine line of the love/hate realtionship with therapists. After all if we hated them would we still see them? Probably not. And, we are all human and if they like us and we like them then I can see how the relationship could naturally get muddy. Gees we talk about some really personal stuff and of course we want to be liked and accepted and without that then would we really stay if the relationship wasn't so strong?

Bottom line, no matter how much we "like" the therapist, I think it brings it's own dynamics to mimic the real world and be able to help both the client/patient in all of its time to be able to theraputically deal with alot of the issues at hand in the safe environment of the office. There are so many feelings flying around it can be easy as humans to get them muddied

And there are its own dilemas for the therapist because of legal issues and there has to be a safe place because if the client leaves and ever told another therapist what has been going on, it can open up a real can of worms and I doubt anyone wants that.

I can understand a real close relationship but I think the flirtatious things should not be allowed. Hugs yes, kiss blowing no.

So yes the boundaries need to be explained and talked about.

:D

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  • 2 months later...

Its always a hassle to get in touch with a therapist in flesh and blood. Its best to seek therapy online with a virtual person who listens patiently. I went to a therapist who listened patiently, shook hands with me and wouldnt let go. Then he started sending smses asking me to come and meet him everyday. It freaked me out a little and I never went back to him.

In that sense, MentalHelp.net rocks! :) These are kind people who really listen and give good advice without the possibility of any hanky panky.

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Honestly Linda, Would a professional psychiatrist with a genuine intention to help SMS his patient asking to meet? I got an sms today as well when I wrote asking for a medication to overcome depression. After the medication name, he insisted that I come to meet him regularly for 'longish sessions'.

I've been feeling really low lately especially when at home. When I go out for a movie with some close friends, I feel much better and fine. But whenever I'm at home, I am down and feel so numb I don't feel like doing anything.

Maybe I'm just imagining and should I go to him for advice? He kept asking me questions which were not related to therapy I thought such as my address, where I studied and so on and suggested he knew many singles who would love to meet me. After that I stopped going to him. Plus, a friend suggested that I should NOT go to a psychiatrist but go to a psychotherapist. But repeating the whole story to a new person is just too draining for me. What should I do?

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Sensitive,

As a therapist with more than 30 years of experience, now retired, I want to let you know that, in my opinion this "therapist" sounds very suspicious. Psychiatrists do not sms patients, potential or actual and they do not suggest "longish sessions." In my opinion, your emotional state right now, from reading what you have written, might call for medication for depression. Only a psychiatrist who sees you can prescribe medication. How can this person say you do not need medication? He sounds like a scam artist to me. Also, today, most psychiatrists are so busy that all they do is prescribe medication. Then they will follow and how you are doing by meeting with you for no more than 20 to 30 minutes once every three months. If they feel you need therapy they refer you.

Be very careful. There is lots of fraud on the internet. Protect youself.

Allan

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Dr Schwartz,

I trust you and your judgment after reading several of your replies to people on this forum. This is a very reputed psychiatrist in India that we are talking about but his behavior definitely sounds dubious. I am not very happy with the way he has interacted with me. I had met him in person for a counseling session (not on the internet) but did not go back after that. We met at his clinic for about 15-20 minutes. He thinks I have anxiety and do not need any medication. Apart from the fact that he charged me more than his usual rate which I checked up with his secretary before calling, since I had to make sure that I carry enough money with me, I felt he was sending signals... almost kinda hitting on me which I was uncomfortable with.

I definitely need a good psychotherapist if not psychiatrist but I don't know whom I can go to. I've had unpleasant experiences with another psychotherapist earlier when I had involved her along with my husband to give us a clear perspective on making out our marriage work. I thought she was working by the clock and trying to exploit money out of both of us by meeting us separately and just wasting a lot of time without any concrete suggestions of making the marriage work, since time literally meant money for her.

I really need to talk to a professional who will guide me with the right medication if need be to overcome my current frame of mind.

I am definitely not my earlier positive self post-divorce which happened less than a month ago. I have realized that everything ticks me off these days and feel that no one understands me. Please let me know who is the right person to talk to. Would you know a good therapist in Mumbai, India?

Can I get the kind of advice I'm looking for, on this forum?

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