What happened?

[Cachita]

Is being a year ago that I started a romantic relationship with a co-worker, since the beginning treated me like a queen and who later on declare to me that he was in love with me. It was a such deep and passionate love that sometimes I was afraid of so much pouring since I was not used to that. We are both married, he's being separate from his wife for couple of months already and I'm still in my marriage closed to separate. Each of our marriage were not working before we started seeing each other. Btw, we knew each for about 10 years, but never got this closed as we were now. I spoke a lot of time with my husband in regard of my needs to feel love and wanted and he never did anything about it. This man had treated me like nobody else had ever treated me. Everything was going well, he used to make a lot of future plans with me since he knew our marriages were not working. Many times I tried to break the relationship bcause I was having guilty feelings about being married and having this relationship, but he always convinced me to come back to him that everything was going to be ok. I always agreed to give us another chance. I loved being around him, we used to go out for lunch all the time and sometimes we used to eat dinner together. This is something that he enjoyed very much and always told me that. He used to write me these love letters that I still have it, which were amazing, never anybody said to me the things he said to me. His famous phrase to me was always this one "I love you more than words can say". At one point in our relationship, I suggested to him to add an extra line to my cell so that we can be more closed thru the texting method and he agreed to it. so we got an extra line for him and we were constantly texting each other all day long. He pays the different of the new line and still do. When we did that he told me that now he felt that he was more closed to me, we knew each others whereabouts. Whenever he went out on business trip, he used to tell me that he felt empty without me that the only consolation that he had were my pictures on his comp. That he couldn't wait for the moment to come back and see me, that he missed my hugs. We were never sexually involved. That was something we both agreed not to do until we both were free. I didn't want to feel worst by doing that and still being married. So the relationship was basically of holding hands, hugging, and kissing, nothing else and of course all the verbal manifestation of love that he used to poured over me. He got to know my kids. There was a day out of frustration that he told me that I needed to make a decision in regard to my relationship at home, because this was becoming very difficult for him. He later then apologized for that attitude and I forgot about that incident and we continue with the relationship as good as is always was. There was something about him that I didn't like and the first time i noticed that, I called it to his attention and of course he denied it he does that, but I told him how disappointed I was to realized he was like that, he used to glance at women that were around him, he said that it was all part of my insecuties which it could be true, but I dislike the idea of him looking at other women. This brought couple frictions between us, to the point of me wanting to end the relationship and him practically begging me not to leave him that he was going to work on this issues if they were a problem to me. Of course, from time to time he would do this but more discreet and that sometimes used to got me more furious, anyway, one day he told me that I needed to seek for counseling to deal with that situation. He keep pouring his love towards me, we kept going out for lunch and whenever we used to go out there was this deep looking into our eyes that always drove him to say that whenever we used to that, he felt he was inside of me and that he felt his body shivering. One day he told me that he gave thanks to God for bringing me to his life. That he never felt so connected with a woman the way he felt with me, that he never felt so free to speak to a woman the way he felt with me. He used to tell me that he was in love not only with my outer beauty, but also with my inner beauty, I mean something so, so, special that I was amazed to be living that experienced. But something happened over a w/e, that i'm still questioning what went wrong. He totally changed, he went from one extreme to the other in a matter of 3 days.

Everything changed on 9/6/08. He has a son who is 15 years old and who every other w/e stays with him. This kid is from his 2nd marriage, in other words, he's being married 3 times already. That weekend he had his son and when he had his son he hardly reach out to me, very few times during the w/e and that was ok with me. That weekend he reached out to me but not as much as he normally do when he is with him. He used to do this because he didn't want to give his son a bad image of him. Going back to when everything changed. On 9/6 he didn't send me a text nor did he call me. On 9/7 he reached out to me after many attempt on my behalf to reach out to him. He told me he was ok that nothing wrong had happened to him, because in one of my text I told him that I was very concerned about his well being. At this point, I was very anxious not to know what what's going on, I felt him very distance. At that point I was already upset with him for not reaching out to me. He got upset with me for telling him all the things that I told him about not reaching out to me and that got things worst, he got more distance, until one day he told me that we needed to talk. I was crying everyday, I lost my appetize to the point that I lost weigh, I was hardly sleeping. I had this huge pain in my chest. I couldn't understand how can somebody that constantly was pouring his love over me now all of the sudden had changed and being so cold and distance, he used to tell me that our love was until eternity, that he was not going anywhere, that even if I try to run away from him. Finally we spoke in his apartment and in there was that he told me that this was over. He told me that we couldn't keep going any further with this relationship, that deep inside his core he felt he was interfering with my decisions on my marriage. I told him that there was no need for him to be so drastic on his decisions. I told him he was hurting me with his attitude, I told him that I never thought the person that said many time that "He loves me more than words can say" was doing this to me. I got up and hugged him and he responded, but it was not the usual passionate hugs that he used to give me. I felt right there that I was dealing with somebody else, this was not the man that i was used to hug and kiss. This was not the man that 2 cried so that i didn't leave him. I can't understand how somebody changed overnight like that. One day he told me that the 2 most important person in his life were his son and I. I asked him if this was the end of the relationship and he told me that he wasn't sure himself, that he needed to do more thinking and put all his thoughts together. That deep inside his core, he felt bad about our relationship, that he knew it was not right what we were having and I asked him why now with those remarks and not before and he said because his feelings over coated the reality. I decided to leave since I knew I wasn't getting anywhere with this conversation, so we left and on our way out, he tried to caress my hair and I took his hands of me and told him that I didn't want his pity. All I do is just cry and cry and asked myself, what happened? On 9/17/08 he reached out to me and we decided to go out for lunch and try to talk more of our inconclusive conversation, i agreed to it, but deep inside of me I was hoping he wanted to apologized for the breakup and go back together, and to be honest with you out of that lunch I got out more confused and hurt. Now His emphasis was to stay friends as we always agreed when things were right between us, that no matter which direction our relationship would it take, our friendship should not be affected and now this is hunting me because i can't be his friend, that's not what I want. He hasn't returned the phone to me and gave me the money to pay it, which is something that I don't understand, if he doesn't want anything with me? why not giving me back the phone? During our lunch he said to me that he was happy to know that I was going to go for counseling. That I need to learn to love myself before I can love others, I didn't like that remark at all. Among other things, He told me that this type of relationship was not the environment he wanted expose his son to it, that he reflected on that. I asked him if he still love me and he told me that he was not dancing around with my question but that the only he could tell me is that those feelings were still there, but that they were numb. I try to keep my cool all along, pretending that I was over this hold thing, but inside of me I was destroy. He made a comment to me about me not letting things out of me, that I build a wall within me. I mentioned to him that I had spoke to my husband about separating and he asked me that what had triggered me to make that decision. I didn't want to let him know that his attitude made me take that decision. Is really sad not to have him and not to have what he used to give me. I want to look for him and tell him how much I miss him, but at the same talking I don't want to humiliate myself. I'm very confused, I'm not sure if my separation is the right thing to do, even thought there no love in my marriage. I have too many doubts in my mind. To my surprised my husband as well wants the separation, he told me he realized that I don't love him and since he can be affectionate, he rather leave me free so that I can find someone that can't give it to me.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Cachita,

That was a lot of detail to read and absorb. However, my initial thought is that this happens in many extra marital relationships where the marriage is unhappy, two unhappy with unhappy marriages find one another, "fall in love," have a hot romance in which they swear eternal love for each other and, then, somewhere down the line, sooner or later, it all falls apart. This is not the fault of any one person. More, it's the fault of Romance.

In my opinion, it is better you found out now than waited until later.

Also, you need time to mourn this relationship.

What do others think??

Allan

[Cachita]

It does make a lot of sense what you said. Sorry for the long message, but I felt it was the only way to get my message acrossed and be understood. The hardest part of this breakup will be getting over him since we work in the same company. My marriage is over, there is no love from either part, so I will end up with neither one. Edited September 25, 2008 by Cachita

[Cachita]

by the way, thank you taking the time to read my message and responding

[paula]

Hi Catcha

I really got into that. Very interesting!

I see where your coming from? At the end of the day you've been hurt! Correct me if I'm wrong, but the way I see it is, that this man over powered you with his undying love. So..... by showing you his emotions that you thought that you had him, right where you wanted him? (don't take that the wrong way) and by turning the opposite direction, has in fact astounded you! Something that you was not expecting! This is what I believe, called pride!

From the start, you was infatuated with he's remarks, that made you feel loved, wanted, not being taken for granted. Obviously, you felt that this is how life should be? You was getting paid attention! This man was paying you compliments that you had probably not heard from your husband for a while. So you felt wanted instead of being taken for granted!

While this man was paying you attention, you started to fall in love with him? Because you only heard what you wanted to hear. Which was all the positive things in life. Because of the amount of times that you say, nearly broken the relationship up, you mention that he always talked you round to giving him one more chance! So in reality, the relationship only carried on for so long, because it was up to you whether he deserved a second chance or not?

To me it sounds like, he could of told his son about the relationship between you and him, and his son could of disapproved! I don't know? I'm just surmising! If that is the case then his son could of give him an intimation? Either you or him? I would of have to of asked him whether this has anything to do with his son? I don't know how close the bond is between him and his son?

It could be a number of things? He might be thinking that by treating you like this, that you will come around to thinking that you need him as much as he needs you!

The only thing that I can suggest that you do is: either walk away and forget the relationship ever occurred in the first place or, confront him and ask him what was meant by all the love letters that he sent you and all this talk of how you was the best thing since sliced bread, so to speak!

If you do take the first suggestion, it does get easier, believe me. You may not think that at this time but time's a great healer! You are right that if the relationship is over then there is no way that either of you can remain friends.

Make a new start for yourself. Something like what's happened will make you more aware of what the future will hold for you.

I hope things turn out well for you?