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feeling low today


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Thanks u, I only joined this website a few days ago looking for answers to what is going on with me im even more confused then ever. Just when i think i understand it all goes wrong again I cant tell anyone what i really want to say and i dont know y i cant, if only i could then maybe it will help god im so weak and useless

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Im so im so angry with myself it happened 5 years ago and still to thisday i cant 4 get or tel some1. I wanna forget it even happened 2 e y cant i. sorry all over the place today

Hi tash, if it's any comfort to know, i can relate to what your going through. Something bad happened to me about 6 or 7 years ago, i can't tell anyone about it, i even lied to my therapist. I try to lock it away inside and forget but sometimes things trigger the memories and i break down again.

We all have days where we can't face anyone, if your feeling fragile take some time to yourself and think about everything good that has ever happened to you, if you find your mind is drifting to bad things, remind yourself your in a safe space (only you can be here)..

Those things seem to work for me sometimes, perhaps you will find them useful, maybe not, i hope you feel happier soon...


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hi how r u

thank u 4 ur reply

i did try having therpy but it didnt work as when we got to this 1 subject i would shut myself down so one of the session the therapist decided on seeing once amonth instead of twice a week as I was completing shuting down and she felt is was not helping me. After the session I went and got so so drunk that I got into trouble with the police and ended up being locked up for the night. They would not let me go until the next afternoon as I had to see the doctor to say I was fit to b freed. I lied to the doctor and said I was ok etc and then they let me go. On return to home I cut up all my legs as im a self harmer. That wasnt enough as I wanted to really hurt myself so I told an over dose and just layed on my bed. My flat mate kicked my bedroom door in and found me on the bed so I was taken to hospital by anbulance and police for my own safety. When I got to hospital they cleaned me up and kept an eye on me for a few hours then i had to see two drs. they asked me how i was feeling and if i felt i was a danger to myself. I lied and said i was fine and that it was for attention and that i didnt want to die etc. They asked me to stay in hospital but i really didnt want to as all i wanted to do was get back so i could take another overdose. I said that i was ok so they let me go with the understanding that my flat mate would b around and that i was not going to do it again.

I got home and sat and spoke with my flat mate for a while ensuring her that i was ok and that i was not going to do anything like that again. After about an hour I went to my room and noticed she had taken all my medication out of my room so I went into her room and found it so returned back into my room. All that was going through my mind was if i take these then go sleep hopefuuly i wont make up in the morning. No 1 will find me til i am dead as i have told every1 i am ok. I woke the next day in disapointment but put a smile on my face and had to pretend everything is ok when it truly is not.

Im so angry with myself because if only i could tel some1 what happened then i could move on with my life. Y cant I find the strenght to speak to some1.

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Hi Tash, I know exactly the feeling you are in, I have been there many many times. It's like there are only obsessed thoughts about dying and how to do it. Although for me and I was up and functioning, the thoughts were just always overpowering and clearly no one should have those thoughts anyway especially outside of a hospital.

What I had to do was finally have the decision of going into the hospital taken out of my hands.

It is clear our illnesses do the talking and I can say I am not always rational. So I came up with a mental health directive which is similar to a living will that I created and when I was feeling better, I created it with info like where and when I can be put in the hospital.

It lists my "red flags" like not taking my meds, or certain behaviors and my husband can always look in my eyes and know how bad I feel. I also have my hospital choice and a limit on my stay. So he can sign me into the hospital and this avoids my pdoc from commiting me which puts another dimension to the difficult stay in the hosptial.

Also it explains that I have PTSD, they cant assume I am manic because they dont know my normal mood and they cant change meds with out the authorization of my pdoc and it basicallys says what i want to say when I am admitted to an ER or found by police, like police and men are triggers to me and my reaction to that does not mean I am suicidal or crazy but it is a legal way of speaking my thoughts because in those crisis times, NO ONE believes a word we say no matter the condition we are in... especially once they find out we have a mental illness

Here in NJ it is law and the directive must be followed. Not sure what your laws are but you can still come up with some kind of contract between you and your support team whether it is family, friends professionals to help you when you are in crisis and hide it real well. I am the queen of that!!!

There is nothing wrong with asking others to help and be your support team. I think for me it has saved my life. And just the fact that I know there is a safety net to catch me, helps me focus on trying to get better and if I cant focus on that then I know I still need lots of help and maybe another hospital stay.

I wish you luck and hope and you can gain some control back. We all need help and reaching out is the best thing we can do even though we dont always believe it.... :D

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Perhaps it might help to think about the reason you shutdown every time you reach that subject? If you know why something is happening you have a starting point to work out a solution...

I know i shutdown for saftey, because i am afraid that if it gets out then i will be somehow forced to relive the pain, that and all all sorts of other unknown fears..

Tash, you had the courage to share with us your story, you have strength within you..

Anytime you feel you need some support, we are always here to listen..

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I'm sorry to hear about all the terrible anguish you've been through lately both emotionally and physically. I have had some dark times in my own life where falling asleep and never waking up seemed like a good way to find peace. I've been so desperate to find relief from my pains that it seemed appealing, like it was the only solution in fact but that is the depression talking.

Something that helped me is I journaled. I went back to the event in my mind and I wrote about it as if I was writing a story. I created a timeline and I described the things I was feeling as everything unfolded. I could be as detailed or generic as I wanted to be. It was a safe way for me to revisit things without feeling the anxiety of involving someone else. I could go back and read what I had written and add to it if I remembered more details later. It was a way of just getting it out initially, a starting point. After you have shared it with yourself then you might feel more confident to share with someone else. Perhaps talking to someone on this site privately that allows you to remain anonymous is easier than facing someone in real life initially. You can take your time and share just a little bit at your own pace. The other suggestion I would make is don't be afraid to be choosy when it comes to who you share with whether online or in real life. I went to a therapist a few years ago and all he basically did was pat me on the back and tell me to do the things in life that made me happy and I would find a way to cope. What I really needed personally was someone to genuinely listen to me and to understand so I didn't try therapy again until a few months ago because I was so disappointed with my initial experience. This time I gathered a list of different therapists and was going to try each one until I found one that worked for me. Luckily the first one I tried has been just what I needed. So if you talk to someone and they aren't giving you what you need then try someone else. You don't have to tell your story each time, just get a feel for them and then decide from there. And if you do decide to share you can do it in a way you're comfortable with, for instance, you might pretend your story is not about you but you are talking about a friend who went through it instead and just share it piece by piece.

I guess it just seems to me like you need to get it out some way so do it on your terms at your pace with who you want to. There are so many people in this world, someone out there is going to be the right person for you to talk to so don't give up. Lots of people here to support you so you're not alone.

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hi linda thank u so much 4 ur support and advise really like the idea of the health directive. I will have to try and put 1 together and get some1 i trust to help me and notice when things r not right 4 me. That is a real positive as I can focus on it. Soon as I feel better I will make a start on this.

hi kaskade Thank u 4 ur reply and kind words. I really dont want to try anymore therpist as having to sit there face to face with some1 sends me into panic. I am not 1 to sit down and talk to some1 without truely being able to trust them 100%. I have a real trust issue dont like to be around people i cant trust. I find it very hard to meet new people due to not being able to trust them. I do feel in time I may b able to talk out on this website as this would b a lot easier for me.

Hi guy thank u for ur reply and support I always shut down because i cant face what he did and feel that if I open up then I will have to face what he did. I blame myself for what he did and think I could have done more to stop it from happpening but because i was to weak it just carryied on for months with no 1 knowing. I lived with 6 people at the time and am unsure if they knew what was happening. I feel so weak and feel people would say I deserved it.

Hope every1 is well

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Hi Tash,

never blame yourself for the selfish things other people do to us. I know that sounds strong but it is a start for you and your recovery. No one has the right to hurt anyone else or take advantage of us. And just because it was able to continue doesn't mean it was right or that it was your fault.

I really hope you can come to terms with that and start to believe in yourself. It is ok not to trust but at some point there will be someone (a professional) that will be able to help you and not judge you.

I know what helped me at first besides the therapist and pdoc was support groups. I know the idea of getting together with strangers may be scary but think about it, they are all feeling the same way you are.

I'm not sure where you live but I would start with NAMI(national assoc of mental health)

Try and google them with your area and see what comes up. Call the contact person and talk to them and find out some information on the group and see if there are other types of helpful resources in your area that you can take advantage of.

And, if you don't have NAMI near you start googling with different key words and see what comes up near you.


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Hi Linda

I have started to look at support groups in my area and there is 1 could MIND and they do a drop in centre on fridays so when I feel steonge enough I think I may go in and see them. I should prob go soon while I feel this low really so then they will b able to help me through this.

Thank u so much 4 ur replies it has been a great help and confort to know some1 is out there to listen and that understands what Im going though and it is very frightening to speakout about these things to people who dont understand.

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glad you are finding some help. And going when feeling good or bad shouldnt matter it is when YOU feel ready to start and it seems you feel that way. So good luck and let us know how you are making out. And in the mean time, keep googling and find out exactly what services, resources are available to you... :rolleyes:

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Guest ASchwartz

Tash, Linda, etc.

It is time to move this important discussion to one of the other forums, perhaps the Bipolar forum. This is for new members and we have to keep it open because we have a steady flow of new people who want to begin and can't if others do not move to another forum.

I hope you understand.

I would like to see you in the bipolar forum Tash, because you say you do not have bipolar, yet, you describe the exact symptoms: hypomania and depression.

See all of you there.


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