Back and the Same As Ever(Worse?)

[Christie]

Hey guys. Christie here, now 16.

Is it odd that I do not know how I feel?

At times I merely do not feel anything. Any emotions I may feel aren't real emotions, they are just reactions to logistical things. Superficial things.

I have no connection with my family. We do not talk, they just pick me up and feed me when I need it. Either that or they are yelling and scolding at me. That is it. And yet I feel nothing.

Today was the first day in a long time that I felt something in weeks. I mean it is depression, but William Faulkner once said "Given the choice between the experience of pain and nothing, I would choose pain." So I guess it is something right?

Though, on the other hand, I think it was the 20th of October, I did feel happiness when I was able to perform with Army Jazz Ambassadors. That was more than words could describe. But it is also an example of why I fear happiness. Because happiness never stays long and is always replaced by pain and despair.

Anyways,

I did not mean to depress you. My apologies if I did. Just thought I would give an update now that I am 16 and allowed to post on here.

I do hope your day is better than mine.

[finding my way]

I'm sorry you are hurting, Christie. :(Is therapy an option for you?

[Christie]

No not yet. Once I get to college I plan on seeing someone to help through this. Even if we did have the money, I do not know how to even begin to think to confront my parents about it. But thanks for your concern.