mscat Posted November 7, 2010 Report Share Posted November 7, 2010 I am sinking down in murky waters fast. The meds had ran out, and was stupid not to have recieved refills by the weekend. I got to do a crapload of laundry , come home and then take a box of sleeping pills just to sleep . Nothing else , just go away for a while .... Yeah I got a 7 yr old disabled kid , he will be fine ..... not thinkingn all that right but the thoughts keep coming and they are of a violent nature. Have to hang in there thought swo putting myself out for a while like a dog to sleep will help some. Seriouly if there was not a son and 2 cute littler service dogs I would of been gone long ago. Just piss on this post it is shit by the way , thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted November 7, 2010 Report Share Posted November 7, 2010 Hello dear friend, I've been wondering how you were!!mscat this is a very tricky time of year for you.... you need to take care. How can we help? We are here!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted November 7, 2010 Report Share Posted November 7, 2010 Yes, we are here and listening. I'm sorry you are feeling so down. I hope that you are safe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetSue Posted November 8, 2010 Report Share Posted November 8, 2010 sorry things are so painful for you cathy - I hope that you will be ok Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mscat Posted November 8, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 8, 2010 hey , thanks you guys. You are correct, finding, it is a tricky time of year , their is a pattern of meltdowns around this time of year, and I am trying hard to stay out of the burn ward ..... Theirs not much more new to burn over, execpt for my tats and I already ruined a few... it is embarassing to see the same Dr's and nurses as well .... can hear them say that crazy one is back. Ya know that sort of thing. I am certain a box of 16 sleeping pills will not kill me , that is not what I want , just to sleep .... shucks maybe a prince will wake me. Ya right. I ran into my brother and he instantly knew I was in a rather foul mood. He offered to take My son , but my kid refused . He deserrves so much more , a better parent . I have not taken the antidepressants in a while , which is now effecting mood...Crying and stuff , then well uh , suppose to take Serequel too cause it turns to psychosis, along with being Borderline it does not make a healthy mix. So that is the fu**** up shit. I am on full disability cause of it and my son who has autism will get his disability next year at 18. Anyhow I get freaky thoughts like well, killing me , the kid, dogs, and all end it all cause it it will be better , safer somehow, freerer. however then, their is always anther day.. wait to he is older then decide for himself. AHHH crap, this is a really bad thing to be saying . I love my kid , just hate me . love my dogs tremendously , so nothing so dramatic for a while , just take those pills to sleep a while , fill the rest of the perscriptions and better taking them cause things get really funky sometmes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted November 8, 2010 Report Share Posted November 8, 2010 mscat, I hope you can get evened out with your medicine soon... you need to feel better, sweetie I can tell you need a break. Hope you can find something to soothe you tonight!!!! a good book? sudoku (websudoku.com)? zentangles? (See Luna's thread )I have to go for now, but we are here for you, mscat!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ASchwartz Posted November 8, 2010 Report Share Posted November 8, 2010 Hi Mscat,Its important to get back on your meds to head off any further symptoms. You also need to be in psychotherapy because meds alone cannot help you enough.Also, your thinking is unlcear and unrealistic. If you really believe that your suicide would not negatively affect your son, you are deluding yourself. He may have autism but he has a personality and feelings. The loss of you will profoundly affect him, particularly as he gets older.Why do you hate yourself?Allan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lindamomof7 Posted November 8, 2010 Report Share Posted November 8, 2010 Hi Cathy, Oh I feel and understand for you. But like you said you have your son and dogs. THAT is what you have to focus on and I know it's hard. I have felt like you many times and there are many times when even my kids and husband isn't enough to keep me going. And life is not fair but we have to make the best of it when we can and reach out when we can't. Now seems to be the time to reach out not just on here but I really hope you can find some local help for you. If it's not available to you then maybe finding out where it is might be what you and your son need as well and do whatever it takes to get you there not just for you but for your son. hang in there Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mscat Posted November 8, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 8, 2010 Wel it is a brand new day and one to be grateful for. I had taken a bx of sleeping pills which fiinally did knock me down , nut it was worse in the morning . I managed to get my son off to school and went back to sleep. Until the phone rang a couple of times . Thinking it was for my son I called the school right away and he was ok. The odd oart of it was that I do know I talked to my brother last night , told him , he said I was going to die, I knew I was not , so told him that. It was the dumbest thing to do , O.D . hoping that will not happen again . ANd Yes I am calling in new perscriptions and have to take them on a regular basis. Usually I do , I just had ran out and did not call in . LInda you ar every right. Even having my son and two dogs that I know I love very much is not enough sometimes . Sometimes nothing can snap me out of these moods or thoughs, then they become scary. And distorted. Allen why I hate myself so much , there is a long list. It is not even so much about how I look either , it is those numbing , not feeling, and not liking me at all . Not liking me as a person , a living one . Someone who ought to be dong so much better in life and had not made the "mistakes" that have taken me to where I am. The family that raised me are seeminly perfect , then there is frumpy me. My biological family are severely dysfunctional , except for only one brother . So I try to maintain contact with him. It is more like I am not suppose to be here because there is no sense of belonging . Flying solo , with anther persons life at stake is a big responsibility. I have gone back into therapy just last week after a few months of a break. I typically do not leave my apartment and stay to myself . Quietly. Many sounds , smells , light bothers me intensely and I am actually a none talkiitve person around others, because worse then trying to like myself I am not a personable individual in the real world. Lucky not to have had bad sideefects from taking too much medication , I figured it is from taking higher doses of potent meds in the past that I was able to be ok , or just got lucky. The Pdoc has me on 8 different meds a day , so it can be a chalenge to keep up with all of them. Just happy to se the little dogs and send my son to school today . Thank you , Cathy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lindamomof7 Posted November 8, 2010 Report Share Posted November 8, 2010 Hey Cathy, glad you are still writing to us If you had to write a list of what you would like your life to be and I mean from waking to going to bed, what would you write? And then how do you think you can make that a reality? Like Allan said, it has to come from within. Everyone can give you the tools and support but bottom line you have control and you have the ability to make things happen. Like I said in another reply change is hard and once you and your therpaist figure out what you need, you need to make it happen no matter what. It could be from going to an IOP program, work, painting, support group, school, volunteer somewhere, a new apt, a new town whatever... the point is YOU are important and it is important that life be kind to you. You just have to find it. I hope this helps a little (((HUGS))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mscat Posted November 9, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 9, 2010 Hey Cathy, glad you are still writing to us If you had to write a list of what you would like your life to be and I mean from waking to going to bed, what would you write? And then how do you think you can make that a reality? Like Allan said, it has to come from within. Everyone can give you the tools and support but bottom line you have control and you have the ability to make things happen. Like I said in another reply change is hard and once you and your therpaist figure out what you need, you need to make it happen no matter what. It could be from going to an IOP program, work, painting, support group, school, volunteer somewhere, a new apt, a new town whatever... the point is YOU are important and it is important that life be kind to you. You just have to find it. I hope this helps a little (((HUGS)))I use to write to due lists all the time, they were very helpful when my son was very young and was working full time. Now that time has gone to a slower pace , but seems to go by at a faster rate then ever I have not used them. I do however have a routine I follow. Such as always having my cup of expresso and checking email first thing in the morning after son is in school. My world does still revolve my son and making sure his needs are met first. When he is home there is a lot of talking by him , and I mean 'A LOT" LOL. I think it will take a little time to get back on my feet. Much of the hard depression is difficult during the eveining. Maybe it is just because I restarted taking the meds again. I have to think about going into therapy tommorow afternoon anf telling him about the whole pack of sleeping pills. I may still worn out now from that. It was an idiotic thing to do.. I now have the regular meds to take aproiately. their is alot of activites coming up this next year for my son . Grauating from high school and turning 18. Got to go now, still in a bit of a crappy mood and worn out. thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ASchwartz Posted November 9, 2010 Report Share Posted November 9, 2010 Hi Mscat,Is it realistic for you to think about returning to work, even on a part time basis? I have not forgotten some of the problems you deal with but, in my mind, work can be a good form of psychotherapy. Is my idea realistic for you or am I "out in left field" with it. (Wouldn't be the first time for me )Allan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mscat Posted November 9, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 9, 2010 LOL, Allen. the thought about working hs rntrd my mind on occsaion. I do not know how realistic it is for me to do so at this time though. Mybe when things settle down next year , some type of job working with dogs would be great. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lindamomof7 Posted November 10, 2010 Report Share Posted November 10, 2010 That is a wonderful idea, Cathy. Can I suggest you make a plan now for it like maybe do a little research as to how, when and where you might go. And then make contact and give yourself a time frame as to when you will actually start like right after the holidays? You never know, maybe now is the time they will need you? Whether it is volunteering or a job, do the legwork now so you will be ready when the time is right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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