Clarifying Feelings

[Pakhawaj]

This is very difficult for me to type, I am very sorry but I will probably ramble. If I even end up posting this.

I don't want to seem like a prick or like I know something please bear in mind I am very stupid and I can't manipulate words well. If you would be so kind, please do not condescend or patronise me for what I type in this post even if this is a difficult thing for you to do, I would be very grateful. Thank you, I'm sorry.

In every relationship I have or have had I lie and deceive and manipulate in order for people to disregard me or hate me. I am very good at this, when I want to be but it is incredibly distressing and it makes me upset so it can be difficult. I do this so people can be protected from me, because I fear my influence can have a large effect on their life and I wish to minimise that.

In most of my relationships I've managed to invoke a state of indifference or hatred towards myself, but for my very close relationships (father, mother, sister) I am too scared to fully go through with my processes and they are more familiar with me which means they are less frightened to ask offensive or provocative questions (like "how are you?").

This does not mean I don't try at least a bit, but it's more horrible for me with my closer relationships. Recently my mam gave me a small plastic pumpkin full of sweets, I suppose because she wanted to treat me. In my view point, I am a disgusting, evil, despicable parasite and I do not deserve such things and I obviously cannot eat the sweets because that would be a symbol of acceptance for the gift and recognition of my equal or greater status than that of the pumpkin. However, I fear that form my mum's perspective it will be a rejection of her love if I ignore the gift... Which would make her sad and nullify the entire point of my existence.

My dad also gave me a gift recently which I could not apply because I was unworthy of it. I somehow lost the gift. I always lose gifts given to me, it feels like a sign of my unworthyness, it is like they are being taken away by spirits who know that it would be above my station in life to accept nice things. I know this is nonsense, but it is just how it feels.

If I think of telling someone this it makes me want to bite my arms off and pull my hair but I don't want to seem angry to someone else, in case it effects them so obviously I cannot tell anyone. It is... slightly comforting to think that no one who reads this will care about me and thus be influenced by me... I'm incredibly sorry if I have, but the only penance for this action I can think of taking would be to kill myself which is something I um unable to do so I cannot correct any wrongs I have caused you.

I can't be bothered to re-read this. I can't even remember what I've just typed. Sorry.

[Waiting]

Hi Pakhawaj,

I am sorry you feel like that. A lot of it reminds me of how my partner used to be. She felt very unworthy of most things and did not want to inflict herself on others.

The first thing I will say is you are as worthy of attention or caring as anyone. You try to drive people away and low and behold people seem to not care for you.

What do you think is the reason you are so unworthy?

Waiting

[Pakhawaj]

Hi Pakhawaj,

I am sorry you feel like that. A lot of it reminds me of how my partner used to be. She felt very unworthy of most things and did not want to inflict herself on others.

The first thing I will say is you are as worthy of attention or caring as anyone. You try to drive people away and low and behold people seem to not care for you.

What do you think is the reason you are so unworthy?

Thank you for speaking plainly to me.

I am unworthy because I do not do anything and everything I try to do fails because I am lazy and selfish. I think this is why anyway, it is what sprang to mind...

Please don't feel obliged to console me or offer me advice, I think I'm just frustrated that I cannot speak of these things and I wanted to vent.

[Waiting]

I do not feel obligated.

One of the things I always used to tell my partner. I would tell her that depression is a lie. It always lies to us. It makes us only see the negative and to make it everything. We forget the positive things and the negative become everything.

There are times in all our lives where nothing seems to work and that is perfectly natural. Also we often set goals that are too lofty and set ourselves up for failure.

I am sure you are not a failure. I am sure it is simply depression lying to you.

Waiting