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Looking forward to A HUG!!!

LaLa

By LaLa
in Psychotherapy and other Treatments

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LaLa Senior Member

LaLa

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I haven't posted often about myself during the past few months (and I have started a new thread quite long time ago). I didn't want to, as... I still feel quite suicidal some days and... don't want to make people worry as it's not serious and... mostly; I see so many others here with so much worse problems! So I try to be rather positive when writing here and I like it (it's not always possible, but...)

Well, but today, as I was walking from my therapist, I decided to start a new thread based on my wonderul feelings my therapist has filled me with. I would spend too much time describing the whole session, so I just want to focus on a single issue: the hug I was longing for, so many months.

So... as some of you know, I write letters to my therapist almost every week. And one of the topics, which has probably always been present, was my wish to hug him. I explained many different reasons and imagined many different scenarios, ... but I never asked him if it's possible, assuming that NO.

And today, "the time has come" and I asked him about it. And he told me that a hug is not a taboo in therapy and we can hug when I want to. He was so nice telling it! He explained to me ( :):D :D) also that (it's a very liberal/free translation!) "if I, for example, caressed your bottom during the hug, it would be a serious infraction of the rules and a reason for you to leave the therapy with me immediately, but I would never do anything like that, I just wanted to clarify it..." I said: "Of course you wouldn't, no need to say it!" He also said that he supposed our hug would be pleasant for him. And then we were both quiet, only looking at each other, then I said "I really didn't expect it. Thank you for your answer :)" and I changed the topic. It was very temting, I felt so happy, but I knew that I couldn't do it today, I needed time to enjoy the simple fact that it's possible! I have to wait for "the right moment". A moment when I would feel "now, just now I need a hug". In the meantime, I'm looking forward to the hug!

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LaLa Senior Member

LaLa

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Of course; who else would reply to this post if not me? :) (Sorry, a bad joke... I'm still in a "silly" mood :D :D )

I'd like to add that we were also talking about "the meaning of life" and other serious issues - just to make you sure that my wonderful feelings were not related to the hug only. I also asked him how my relationship to him is special (he told me few weeks ago that he never had anybody with such a relationship to him as me, but then we talked about it from a different aspect/point of view and I forgot to ask what's so different in my case) and he told me (more than I quote here, but I quote the essential) that during the whole year, I never ever had any negative feeling/emotion (anger, ...) toward him and that's very surprising and he'd never "seen" it before. I told him that it seems natural to me as he never gives me any reasons to have negative emotions, but he explained me why it's not true - that many others in my palce would have found some occasions to be for ex. angry on him. (I change his formulations here, I simplify, but... it's still all true.) He asked me why it's so. I told him: "I think it's because I never had any relationship with "a" father (my own or a stepfather), so I can't "transfer" anything from a real relationship in my life to the one with you, so I'm making our relationship ideal - as I would like it to be, without any "freudian" interference from any relationships from my childhood." etc. etc.

And I have one "take home message" for others in therapy: Today, I learned (finally!!!) that I shouldn't be afraid of asking my therapist hard questions, neither about himself. (I asked him for instance: "What's your personal concept of the meaning of your life?") I had supposed that he would not answer, only tell that "we should talk about you, not myself". But I was wrong. I'm happy to know it. It's important for my therapy, I feel it... :)

Best wishes to everybody here! :-)

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LaLa Senior Member

LaLa

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hugs are essential for a human being, I think!!!

Yes, I think the same :). But when you do a search on internet (just by typing "hug my therpist" in Google), you can see that there are many therapists that don't allow hugging in therapy at all. So... that's why I felt so doubtful and was so afraid to ask...

congrats on your progress in therapy

Thank you :o:)

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AmyeH Senior Member

AmyeH

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Ahh LaLa, I am jealous hehehee.... Honesty is the best policy so I've said it.

I can't tell you how much just a simple hug is what I've been wanting for months now!

Am glad for you LaLa, I really am.

Us humans need to feel loved/liked and cared for... When this is missing, it's very tough indeed.

Amy.

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LaLa Senior Member

LaLa

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(((Amy))) (I know it's only a vitual hug, but... what else can I do for you? :))

I'm so nervous just now! I should have my session in about 1,5 hrs. And my 'plan' is to start it with the hug. It seemed to me I was 'prepared' and wouldn't be very nervous, but...

I'd like to post here in the evening about it... I hope so much it will be positive...

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LaLa Senior Member

LaLa

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Thank you, too...

Maybe I'll hug her also hehehe...

I hope she'd agree... I recommend to ask her firt, as there are quite many therapists who don't allow hugging, so it's 'safer' to ask before you try... Or maybe you could firstly talk about hugs and how you miss them, then it would be easier to pose the question... (and easier for her to understand why you ask)

Good luck! :)

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AmyeH Senior Member

AmyeH

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I agree.

I'd never initiate it anyway and would leave it to her. At least now, I don't think I'd ask her also. If it comes up about missing relationships etc, I would tell her though, that it's something I miss. Not even to give her the idea, but just to explain it to her.

Let us know!

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Lindamomof7 Senior Member

Lindamomof7

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Hi LaLa

I always hug my pdoc, phew hey it comes with "me" :)

I think the question of to hug or not to hug depends on each the therapist and client. I'm italian and I hug all the time and I think my pdoc sees it as that, just an extension of who I am and it can be a way of keeping the relationship, "ok"

Yeah and I understand the blame game. Interesting with all of the difficulties I have had with meds, bad inpatient stays etc, I have never once blamed my pdoc. If anything I feel guilty that i am the patient from hell... I dont like to be a burden to anyone or have to need anyone but I got over that need thing and accepted it but the burden thing is still a problem for me...

Good job :)

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Guest ASchwartz

Guest ASchwartz

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Hi Everyone,

Virtual hugs are just as real as in person hugs. Just allow yourself to feel hugged. Now, lets try it again, :) I am sending a Huge, Warm Huggg.

Allan:):)

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LaLa Senior Member

LaLa

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... I wanted to start with the description of the hug, but now when I see you all hugging here, ... well I have to laught; it's so nice!!! :-) So I join you:

big hugs to everybody here!!! :-)

But I have to agree with Amy; it's not the same as 'in reality'... :-(

Well and now to my session... This part of the post will not be so joyful. But don't be afraid! ;-)

Walking home from my T (it's about 10-15 minutes from my home, that's great - I can walk and think of the session...), I was thinking which emoticon to use to describe my feelings and this one won: :confused:

But I should start 'from the beginning' - I'm sorry, you 'have to' be patient... :):o

During the last week, I imagined the hug many times and it was very pleasant every time. Sometimes I started to cry - I think mainly because I felt like: "Oh, how strange/weird/sad it is that to feel so intensively happy I need to hug an 'unfamiliar' man!!! And how this beautiful feeling is proving me that I've really missed a father without knowing it! It's so strange to expect to recieve from a therapist the feelings that anybody else cannot give me!" etc. You know, but I felt a really intensive pleasant feeling [just to clarify: not an arousal]. In this regard, I can agree with Allan that an imainary hug can be - but only sometimes - experienced 'as a real one', or - better - as very pleasant.

But as you've seen in this thread, today, about 2 hrs before the session, I became very nervous. When sitting in front of his 'office', I was already a bit relaxed (I tried not to think about the hug, so...). I still wanted to start with the hug, as I would be too nervous if I 'postponed' it.

Then I came in and asked him, in a very very shy way, the question I prepared: "After having read my last letter, didn't you change your mind about the hug?" [it was because in the letter, I described e.g. some very 'ugly' thoughts and fantasies and I felt, all the week, a need to hear that he's 'willing' to hug me 'also knowing that all'] But his answer was confusing to me, because he said "I did" and I had to think it out for a while to understand that he somehow 'slipped up' or rather didn't catch right my question, because his 2nd sentence, after a silence when he was smiling and looking like he had no problem with the hug, was: "I will not resist/oppose :-)" (-I don't know how to translate it...) So I knew that "now I have to do it". But I was - as always - honest/frank and told him: "But I have a great fear." And just after saying it, I iniciated the hug. (Like I'd imagined it: I had my left hand on his right shoulder and my cheek leaned on my hand, the right hand on his back. Sorry for the details :o) I wanted to wait until becomming calmed down. I regret that I don't know how long the hug took, but I suppose it was around 3 minutes (?). And this is so confusing to me (as the emoticon at the beginning showed): I was trembling all the time, felt scared and was unable to calm down, but also to cry. At the very beginning, he asked me about the fear, but I said only one word, very quietly: "Then/After/Lately..." (-another problem with translation... It meant: "I'll answered you later, after the hug.") After maybe one minute, he caressed my hair with two gentle, almost 'floaty', moves. (I didn't react. I almost didn't move all the time, only sometimes made some very 'mild' ("small") caresses by the hand on this back.)

Then I 'stopped', told him: "Thank you...", set down and after a short silence (my face was all red, by the way, but I was smiling, mostly), I said: "I was waiting to calm down, but then I've given it up as it seemed impossible. I supposed the fear would go away, but it didn't change." So he asked me: "Could you tell me more about the fear?" So I said: "It's strange, but when I was in the waitingroom and thinking "why I'm so scared?", the only answer that came to my mind was: "What if I'm unable of hugging?"" He was a bit surprised: "Unable? Hugging is something you need to learn?" I said only that it seemed similarly strange to me as to him. Then I also said that I was afraid of being embarrassing/awkward. He told me (I abbreviate it here a lot!) that this is my typical fear but he repeatedly tells me that I'm never awkward, ... I told him I knew but I still had the feeling.

And so on. The rest... was very fine and important, but it's already 'out of topic' and moreover, now I have to go...

Oh, but I have to write also some ideas about the hug that appeared when I was walking home! Quite strange!!! Mainly: During the hug, I felt like "he's too unfamiliar to me!!! How can I feel something pleasant when he's an unfamiliar person???" or: "Now I look like an idiot - unable to feel good when somebody gives me something that so many people long for and I was longing for it, too!!!" etc. Maybe latter I'll write more.

Any comments??? I'm quite curious...

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malign Senior Member

malign

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LaLa,

The way I see it, when we're relating to another person, we never really feel their feelings. We feel our own feelings, and we feel how it feels to be allowed to express our feelings, and so on ...

So, it's less that you felt comforted by a man you don't know very well, but that you felt your own need to be comforted, and to have that need be accepted. The idea of "transference" towards a therapist isn't about what the therapist feels (unless something goes wrong), it's about what the client feels. The therapist feels, too, undoubtedly, but what's important is the client allowing themselves to feel. The therapist supposedly already knows how to allow themselves to feel.

I think the whole process is an experiment, to allow you to try expressing feelings, whatever they might be: caring/love, fear, self-doubt, and so on, in a place where there are no risks. I'm glad it went well. :-)

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Athena Senior Member

Athena

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Hi LaLa, thanks so much for sharing. I was thinking about when I would be ready to ask my therapist for hug again last night. (actually it was 5 am, so i may not have been entirely rational.). Anyway I imagined how it would go. And I got my answer pretty darn fast. Unfortunately (or fortunately, I don't know I'm so confused?), I have some kind of erotic transference towards my therapist. We have talked about it, along the lines of "should I suppress these feelings or just let them happen?" He basically said the latter as he doesn't feel that denying one's emotions is the best course of action. Over the last week, I felt that the intense feelings had gone away, with just a warm, comfortable feeling left in their place. My "imaginary hug" proved me very wrong as the intense passion came back. So I am clearly not ready. In the meantime I am basking in the wonderful experience of feeling passion for a man again, even if it is only all in my head. I only hope he doesn't ask me how I feel about him any time soon - I find the topic a little agonizing.

Warm HUGS to everybody here! :)

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LaLa Senior Member

LaLa

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Thank you Mark and Athena for your posts! :)

Athena, I wrote you a PM, so I'm not posting here a reply to your post. [-I write this mainly to let others know why I don't reply.]

Mark,

I think the whole process is an experiment, to allow you to try expressing feelings, whatever they might be: caring/love, fear, self-doubt, and so on, in a place where there are no risks. I'm glad it went well. :-)

I'm very glad you see it this way, too! :o I want to add to my previous post (written very very rapidly) some comments and one of them relates to this. Yes, I was scared and then confused, but the overall impression from the experience was and is positive! (Now, after few hrs, I already can say it with more 'confidence'.) I see it like an interesting experiment that gave me an unpredicted result and, "as we scientists know ;)", such results are (most often) the most precious/important.

And also... the hug was at the same time pleasant, I mean somehow 'physically' (=it was nice to feel him and smell him, but I was unable to concentrate on these emotions - they were only marginal).

[Maybe some 'details' for those who don't know me here: I'm 28, happilly married, my T is 56. Yes, I have some "transference issues" that I don't want to discuss here (sorry). But the hug really lacked any "passion" (-as Athena mentioned) or other emotions related to 'being attracted'. And the relationship with my father mentioned here: There never was any - I don't know him and have no emotions toward him.]

... Strange, but... I don't feel the need to write here more today. But I'm looking forward to new comments ;-)

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