My Story

[Waiting]

I have decided to tell my story. I have been reluctant too as generally when I do this I am attacked for being, well ... a monster and that is hard to bear on top of everything else.

About 10 years ago I slipped into major depression. This was misdiagnosed as simply my fibromyalgia taking a turn for the worse. It was re-diagnosed as depression about a year later. This depression was caused by my failing relationship with my ex (we are still divorcing but I call her my ex as calling her my wife seems wrong now).

I struggled to fix our relationship after it was confirmed by a therapist that was the cause of my depression. She refused to go to counseling and I told her if we didn't resolve the issues we would be getting a divorce because I can't keep doing this.

A few years ago I reached out to help a friend of my son's who seemed to be in need of help. Her arms were covered in scars and she was making comments that to me seemed to be cries for help. I sent her an email and said if she ever needed someone to talk to she could talk to me. We began to talk via email and chat and became close friends. We had a lot in common. We were both intellectuals; loved much of the same music; both wrote stories; both loved science ... we became best friends.

We both began to have romantic feelings toward each other, but neither revealed it. for some time, but eventually it came out and we both discovered that we both did. Initially we didn't want to pursue it because of the age difference and her age. She was 2 years over the age of consent, but still a minor. She was worried about people thinking I was a pedophile. In the long run we looked into the legalities and determined it was not illegal and we both wanted it. So we dated and began a relationship.

Now while we were still just friends we helped each other in terms of our depressions. She helped me gain the confidence I needed to separate from my wife. This was before we revealed each others feelings.

A few months after I moved out from my wife (the kids came with me) my girlfriend decided to leave her parents. She had a job and was going to increase her shifts to allow her to rent a room and pay for her food and expenses. She asked me for help in seeing how much she was going to need etc. After figuring this out thought that her moving out from her parents into a strange environment may not be the best. It could be like the proverbial frying pan to the fire. Plus she was going to have to increase her shifts a lot. I said she could move in with us. She was concerned that that would jeopardize my relationship with my kids. I told her I was sure it would not. I also said she could move in and we would not tell them. She said she didn't think she could hide her feelings from them and it would drive her crazy.

In the long run we told my kids and they were fine with it and she moved in. Everyone was happy and I mean really happy. This went on for about 15 months. We were and still are madly in love and inseparable.

We told my extended family, her mother (who she had been separated from for about 10 years) and people although initially shocked accepted it. They saw how happy we were.

We were going on a trip to visit her maternal family and we were stopped at the airport due to the scar on her arms and the age difference.

In the long run I was charged with having a sexual relationship with a minor who was dependent on me.

I lost my job of 20 years due to this and a bail condition was set I could not see her.

I was worried about her terribly, but could not talk to her in any way. I was severely depressed again. Through my union I tried to get my job back, but they dropped the grievance. It is more than a year later and I am still waiting for my trial. I still have no job although I apply for things daily. A few things I hope are coming up.

My divorce is still dragging on.

My wife is not paying me any child support.

I am selling retirement funds to pay bills while my wife lives in the matrimonial home.

I am planning to fight human rights cases over my job.

My family is very supportive, but they really don't understand my depression.

Anyway that is my story.

[LaLa]

Oh, Waiting, it's so unbilievable! How can somebody (police/law/?...) destroy such a great and precious relationship??? While pretending that he (police/...) has good reasons and mean it as "defence" of "the minor"!!! You live in the US, I suppose (sorry, this is my prejudice talking - some of the US efforts to "defend" people seem too excessive to me) (?)...

How old is your girlfriend? You said that she checked the law and "found out" that your relationship is legal! So where is the problem??? I think you should address an organization for human rights and appeal for your human rights! Don't you have an expert's opinion from a psychologist that proves that your relationship has no negative impact on her? How can a state decide about love, friendship, hapiness, ... of individuals? ... :mad:

Where does she live now? Can you communicate together? ...

L.

P.S.: You don't know me yet, I suppose, so... I'd like to add that my English is not very good and that's the reason why "some" of my sentences might seem strage. Mostly when I'm as moved and angry as now.

[Waiting]

Thanks Lala3,

You English is fine My ability to type and spell deteriorates when I am upset and it is my first language.

She is living on campus at university with a friend. We are basically not allowed to communicate except in the presence of council. I am always worried about her and can not set my worries completely at ease because I can not talk to her.

I have looked into human rights and am pursuing two human rights claims but these are for my being fired. In terms of the police it would basically be impossible to fight this via civil rights. In fact in terms of fighting it on rights at all would decrees my chance of winning and not being put in prison and being branded a sex offender.

I live in Canada and in researching this I have found many places have similar laws. She is now 19 ad was 16 at the time this began. At that time the age of consent was 14. Te problem is there is a very vaguely written law that criminalizes a relationship with someone not yet 18, but over the age of consent if the adult is in a position of trust, authority or there is a relationship of dependence. Our assessment is it was not illegal. I believe I will not be found guilty, but with a law of this nature one can never be sure as it is so much up to interpretation.

I wish to thank you again for your suport. Normally when I tell my story I am attacked instead.

Waiting

[LaLa]

Thank you for the details. /

I know that there are many offenders and other dangerous men and that's why people try to make severe laws, but... your case seems so obviously different from any form of abuse!!!

Normally when I tell my story I am attacked instead.

I have an advise for you: When smebody attacks you because of this relationship or doesn't understand, tell him/her to see the new Woody Allan's movie "Whatever works"!

[Waiting]

Thanks,

Yes I watched that, it was very good. I will keep that in mind.

Waiting

[CrazySorrow]

I'm really sorry you have to go through all this, and what's making it drag out so long? =/ The time you've spent waiting is ridiculous.

You can't help who you love, sometimes life isn't fair. --Okay, life is never fair. And people are too judgmental, especially when they don't understand. Unfortunately, when most people don't understand, they tend to shut their eyes, and never understand. People are selfish in that way and only want to see their point of view, their opinions for everything.

You said you're not allowed contact/communication with her. I understand how this would make you sooo worried!! But is there anyone, a mutual friend or anything that could maybe set your mind at ease, and let you know if she's doing alright?

[Waiting]

Thanks CrazySorrow.

My experience is in forums people are very judgmental and like you said judge on a few facts and then refuse to hear anything that doesn't agree with their judgement.

I have two points of "contact" that can talk to her state. Her roommate and my son and that Definitely helps, but I know she is very good at hiding things f she wants. I know she only opens up to me about many things. I also know she can easily feel abandoned in this situation even when she knows it is not in my control. Most of my fears are not fully rational.

As far as I can tell she is doing well, working hard in university and getting good marks which are important to her.

In terms of duration of this process it is caused by a few things. It is being dealt with in an area that is growing fast and the courts are struggling to keep up with the cases. Second the prosecutor messed up something that delayed the whole thing about five months or more.

I just want us back together. We are so happy and wonderful together.

Waiting

[CrazySorrow]

I know the time taken from you can never be replaced, but think about the good times that could come.

To comfort myself at times, I like to think that everything that happens, is meant to happen, even if we cannot understand it at the time, its all part of a bigger picture. I always try to think positive too.

Maybe this time apart was meant to happen? For what reason I don't know. Maybe personal growth. It might not even have to deal with you, she young, and maybe its a self-exploration period for her. When you love someone you want them to be the best they can, and to be happy. I think you really have to know and understand yourself to be happy... and it makes you happy when they grow and shape into the person their meant to be, and they can shine like their meant too.

I've been with my husband since I was 17, and despite the fact we were happy and good together, the relationship went through some tough times, because I was changing, and finding myself. We went through a lot of fights, and misunderstandings, personality swaps, etc. And if we both weren't so stubborn, I doubt we would of made it, neither of us knew what was going on, or how to understand it. Now the worse is over, and we get along great, we accept our changes, and we compliment each other.

Good things come to those who wait. Maybe once the wait is over, the relationship can blossom into something more beautiful than it was to begin with.

[Waiting]

Thanks CrazySorrow.

I am alright and so is she. A lot of our upset is to do with the injustice. I do my best to look at it positively.

Waiting

[CrazySorrow]

Well, I wish you the best (=