I just want it to end!

[shanrucas]

I'm not saying I want to kill myself, I just want all the pain to end. I'm tired of the crying bouts, I tired of seeing my mother suffer. I just wish I could disappear. Of all the things I have ever been through, this is the hardest. I thought I was prepared for this, I realize now that I'm not. MS is a terrible, terrible disease. It hurts that she doesn't know her surroundings, I'm not sure if she even knows me at this point. All of these years she has been my rock, my inspiration, my fondation. My reason to keep going on . I miss her voice. This is truly killing me inside.

[Hotspot]

I hear ya Shannon and I wish I could send some extra strength your way to boost all that you already posses. I think we all think and try to be as prepared as possible in situations like this. I don't think it's really possible to ever be prepared for such a heart wrenching time. I'm so sorry you both have to go through this. Even if you mom can't verbalize knowing of your presence I hope that she can feel it. You are doing everything you can for her, remember to take care of yourself too. You know that is what she would want for you.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Shanrucas,

That is an awful thing for you to experience.

I want to suggest psychotherapy for yourself, not because there is anything wrong with you for feeling despair, but simply because we all need extra support in these types of situations. Do you have other supportive people? Are you able to get away and find some relief?

Allan:(

[shanrucas]

Thanks Hotspot, I find strength in your kind words,

Allen I do have an appointment with my psychiatrist later this month, also I am considering going to see the hospice counseler, I have been able to see him before, he is very good at helping me sort out my thoughts.

I have a caregiver that comes into relieve me in the mornings, she has been wonderful so I do get a way for short periods of time. I am going to see if I can get Hospice started for her.

I know logically, that this is more of a grief issue. I am so afraid that this is going to go on for sometime. I am just trying to make her comfortable. I am going to adament with her Doctor, no more poking and proding since I think this stresses her and her MS progresses with each little procedure.

Thank you for your support, I just can't seem to stop crying and its exhausting. Sometimes I feel I just want to runaway and not come back, don't know where I would even go. I just end up sitting in my truck staring off into space. Her sister isn't very much supportive, she lives near by but hasn't seen her since May and just stayed for about 5minutes, I know its probably cause she can't handle it. My friends are more supportive they stop by bring food and check on me. I keep telling myself I blessed to have such good friends.

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Shannon I responded to the other thread before I saw this one. Sorry for the timing of my reply on my part

I would keep going to the hospice counselor, as Allan says you need help right now too. Thats why I suggested a support group in your area since therapists can be costly.

And you are blessed, you have friends and I know we here online can only do so much, your friends at home can give you the hugs and support you need. Yes your Aunt can't deal with it we are all not strong like you and your Mom is so blessed, proud and fortunate to have a daughter like you. So here is my ((((hug)))) and I guess today we can both cry and its ok....

[randomperson]

Such nice people here.

I know a lot of what you are feeling. My mother is disabled has a lot of health problems also has a tumor slowly growing in her neck that is cutting off her air. I have to look after her and there are a lot of emotional problems that come with it just by itself. Like you I am alone. It is very tough.

I had a MS scare a few years ago.. I read up on it because of that.

I feel for you and you mother I truly do. Just the spinal tap alone used to see if you had it was one of the most painful medical things I have had done that I can remember.

I am struggling myself so many threads I looked at and could post in..

Problems on top of problems.. I do understand how you feel.

[shanrucas]

Thank you all again, I think I have gotten past this crisis, at least for the moment. I know that you feel you can't do much from where you are, but you have, I feel the hugs over the internet, and because of all of your support and my friends here, I think I made it through.

Love ya all, Shannon

[Lindamomof7]

back atcha Shannon, hang in there

[notmary]

Hi,

I just wanted to say that I am sorry for what you are going through. I hope that you can find comfort and time for yourself as you provide such wonderful care to your mom. Wishing you peace.

Mary