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I feel so sad


sadgreeneyes
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I dont know am I anxious and depressed or if I am grieving too. I feel anxious most of the time because my husband will come and stay with me in my country and I struggle with self esteem issues making me scared he doesnt love me, beside this I have ptsd that makes me have nightmares about it because I am afraid how I will handle it and I am thinking what to do to avoid it. Its easy to avoid it now when I am alone. If I was living in Jordan with him I could avoid my ptsd as it is not like a western country. I feel so sad too because we are not with each other and I feel so alone, abandoned and scared.

I am anxious and feeling more sad than ever and I feel such a strong grief like I have lost someone dear now. My mother came to mental hospital when I was 5 years old, she a had schizophrenia, I didnt see her until I turned 13. I lost my brother who committed suicide when I was 13. My father was violent and cold ignorant in childhood and left me alone much from age 13 to 15 so I ran down do my mothers flat. At age 15 my father threw me out and continued his life with his new woman. I have had only abusive relationships. My mother was under care all her life and she died suddenly 4 years ago. I didnt get to say goodbye to any of them.

My husband know I have lost them but he doesnt know how bad it have affected me. I said to my husband maybe he is one of them who will abandon me, he said no dont think like that.

Now when I have married he is not here with me and I am so scared he will abandon me after time. I am scared about my ptsd when he comes here. Dont know how I can handle it. I am so anxious and sad and I feel to cry many times,sometimes I do. There has been some days lately I havent gone to work as I feel so down, I cant take slightly critic at work as I one day nearly started to cry. I am tired all the time and have headache and its aching in my heart, am about to cry only by writing here.

Am I grieving? or am I only anxious and depressed? I have no energy and feel I want to just stay inside and not go out. I was not sad before I went down and married him. So it must be the situation after I married that have brought me to feel like I do.

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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Hi sadgreeneyes,

I am not sure if your are grieving or if it is anxiety and depression. I think you need to not worry about which it is.

That fact is you have a history that predisposes you to think you will be abandoned.

I think you need to clearly communicate this to your husband. Tell him you have an irrational fear of being abandoned and you need him to tell you he will not. Tell him you can not simply stop thinking that way and you need reassurance. He may say he does not understand, so tell him he does not need to. You just need him to say he will not abandon you.

Waiting

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Thank you Waiting, I think you are very right, that the fear of being abandoned is so hugh that it effects my well being. Because I am very very scared. The thing is I talked to him about this some times but I didnt ask him to litterally tell me he wont abandon me because I am afraid to ask. Because one time he answered me no one knows what the future brings. That didnt made me feel any better, only worse. He has said though he doesnt want to divorce again and that we must do our best both of us each day to stay happy. I agree of course. But I am scared my ptsd. And I am scared to bring this not leave me topic up again because I am sure he will not say those words that he will not abandon me. In Jordan he said its not a pressure to have to promise all the time. So if I would like to ask him do you promise not to abandon me he will probably not give me the answer I need. I am scared he will be annoyed or angry. But I will try to give it a try one day soon.

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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I am sorry sadgreeneyes,

I understand why his statement would make you feel worse. I think that is perfectly natural. I react that way to some things my partner says.

If you have tried one way then maybe try another way. Do you have a friend from his culture you could ask for advice in this matter?

I can make suggestions, but I am unsure how they would play out in his culture. Possibly asking more along the lines are you considering leaving me? SOmething more concrete.

Waiting

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I am sorry you felt like that too before,its not a good feeling. Maybe its good idéa try to ask in another way, its little weird but I cannot remember much of what his answers and my questions has been when I have brought this up..I think I might have been so lost in the answers and feeling anxious that it slipped my memory for a reason, I just know he has said in ways like it sounds like he wont abandon me. He has said that its only talking when he talk, that its not that he thinks like that or plan to abandon me. He has talked like we should stay together but I think it is good for me, like yo say, to get a more obvious answer that makes me relax much more. I will try to talk to him about it, not tonight because its to close since last time we discusses things, so if I show no worries a couple of times now I can bring it up third time so he might be more relaxed and happy.

Thank you Waiting, I will really try this and hopefully it will calm me down.

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Oh..I have no one to ask as all his family is in Jordan and I have difficult trust them as you never know to they plot together for him to get visa. Has been some stuff I find weird,but it might just be I am wrong.

And to add, just remember he has said he doesnt understand how I am thinking when I ask things about this and stuff. He seems surprised as for him we are married, in Jordan he said do you know what that means, yes I said still insecure will I be abandoned.

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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Something, I just saw your post is gone..

Waiting if you read this I will tell that I did get to tell this to my husband and you were right he didnt understand why I had irrational fear about it even he knows about my past, he explained it with other people have things with their things but they didnt feel like me. So I told him I knew he wouldnt understand or that he didnt have to understand as long as he only could tell me he wont leave me.

And the good thing is that he did say he wont leave me...he was laughing or smiling because he didnt understand me. But also I think maybe he found it little cute, I dont know. Again he said dont think like that. And he said even one more time as I talked he wont leave me and said that I should relax.

I am feeling somewhat better, it meant a lot to me he said that and I thanked him for saying this as it was so important to me. He said he knew this is what people want to hear...the good things...that we all want that.

Thank you Waiting, if it wasn´t for you I wouldnt have asked him...so thank you very much! :)

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  • 4 months later...

Hi Greeneyes,

I am glad that helped at least to some degree.

I am sorry it took me so long to get back, I have been struggling with some things and was just not capable to dealing with a lot of things.

I hope things have improved. If not I will try to help you if I can.

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