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I'm on here posting to seek advice. I'm open to anything/anyone/any ideas - as long as they're intended to help.

For the past 5 years, I've experimented with a myriad of drugs (psychoactive substances excluding caffeine & nicotine). I started drinking at age 18 (late bloomer according to my peers). I always thought 10 beers a night was average. Then, I got high off marijuana for the first time at 19. I thought, "Wow! Such a little amount of something can affect something so big (the human body) so much! What does other stuff do?" I got interested in other drugs like shrooms. Then over the years I tried cocaine and acid. I liked pills too - painkillers, muscle relaxers. I tried a bunch of legal alternatives. I was very interested in drugs - not just getting messed up. I like reading about their chemical makeup and how they affected the mind and also the spiritual uses of certain drugs. However, this interest turned into some sort of addiction for me. My problem is - when I get bored, my mind immediately turns to drugs. No drug in specific, but when I get bored I just think of what I have access to... If there is something around, I typically won't wait till the "right" time to take it is. I will just down it. Before, say if shrooms were around, I could wait till the weekend. Now, Ill eat them at night before class/work. This isn't me. I always used to believe in willpower. It's gone... I guess my post is asking how I can get it back... I've gone to 2 AA meetings (once I start drinking, I can't stop) and I'm seeing a psychologist. I'm looking to go to some NA meetings. Currently, I have a prescription to Lorazepam - so I take it in place of any other drugs. But, this is just a crutch. Are there legal alternatives that can ween me off my "drug addiction" and "drug thoughts" for when I get bored? Something that's okay to take every day in place of narcotics that will get my mind off them? I'm on Prozac 10mg- maybe I should up the dose but will that get my mind off drugs during boredom (my #1 enemy)? I know I should find more things to do but when Im tired (say from a long run) theres not much hope in me getting around to a bunch of paperwork I have to do (maybe Im lazy?) Any and all helpful responses or comments are welcomed and appreciated. If any further clarification is needed, please let me know and I'll do my best.

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what you'd like to do is to get back that sense of control over your drug use that you used to have. Currently, you say you don't have any real control, you just have an urge to take whatever drugs are around and you just do that.

Consider, please, that you may be in too deep to revert to a more casual use of drugs with any safety. Complete sobriety from all drugs (including alcohol) may be your best bet at this time.

Here is why complete sobriety rather than scaling back. You have built up a whole series of complex behaviors, which can be thought of as chains of associations. You see something and then you do something. And one thing leads to another. Once established, these chains are hard to break. the best way to break them down is to interrupt them early on and consciously, with willpower, decide to go in an alternate direction, creating a new chain of behavior, so to speak. So - sobriety would be an entirely new chain. the things that get your present behavior chains going are related to drug use. You see drugs and then you take them. If you merely try to cut back your use, you will still be exposing yourself to the drug stimulation (the sight and touch and smell of the drugs), and this will lead you to remember how nice it is to be intoxicated (in the short term!), and this will create cravings (or amplify them) and before you know it, you will fall down the established chain and take the drugs again. Better to break the chain by going off in an entirely new direction. And starve the chain by not reinforcing it. If you don't act in a drug taking/seeking/taking way, over time the need and desire to do that will reduce. Psychologists call this "extinction". If you continue to seek out drugs and be around them, they will continue to call out to you and you will reinforce the strength of the drug taking behavior chain. the smart money is on breaking and starving the chain. It is unlikely that you will have great success if you merely try to cut back your present use.

There is a judgment factor at work here too. Drugs tend to cloud one's judgment. It is very likely you are minimizing the impact that drugs are having on your social and occupational life and your future prospects for a happy personal life and work life. That won't be clear to you until you are sober for a long while. I wish it were different but that is how it tends to be.

In NA or 12-step groups like that, you will be asked to substitute the group's judgment for your own, or your sponsor's judgment for your own. This has good sides to it - becuase if the group is trying to help you be sober when your mind is telling you that it is good to be high, that is a good thing. But this can also have a dark side, where you open yourself to negative influences that aren't so great. Not sure how to counsel you here, but do be aware to keep your wits about you as best you can.

Again, - I recommend complete sobriety and not a scaling back, if you are asking for an opinion. And I recommend that you get help from addiction professionals, and AA/NA or alternative secular sobriety groups like SMART Recovery to help you along on your way.


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