new

[Lindamomof7]

Good Luck at your new job, and keep up the good hard work with no using, labrador. And yes new distractions, new directions for you...

[shanrucas]

Hi Labrador,

I haven't posted here for awhile, I was reading the other posts to catch up. I only wish the best for you, good for you for not using. It must be physically hard, as well as mentally. I wish you would seek help for the detoxing.

My father was a severe alcoholic, was since I could remember. Despite it all the only abuse I suffered from was watching slowly kill himself. Just after he retired from his job, he got sober for a few months, then went back to drinking, I treasure that short time I had with him, he died shortly after that. He couldn't get sober by himself he had to detox and he had to go into a inpatient facility to do this, mind you he had been basically intoxicated for over 30years.

I suppose the only reason I have never become addicted to anything is because I watched my father, it left an impression, it would of been easier if he were a terrible father and I hated him, but I loved and he provided me with a wonderful childhood,except for the drinking part that is. Now I'm no angel, the 80's were a total blurr, don't remember much at all, just bits and pieces, partly due to the bipolor as well I suppose.

If you have trouble withdrawls, please consider going to a doctor at least to make sure you are alright.

I wish the best for you on you quest for normal, I am still searching that one myself

Shannon

[labrador]

Hi Shannon. Thank you for your kind words and support. I truly appreciate hearing other's experiences because it helps me understand my demons and how I may possibly defeat them. In addition to being an addict, I have come to realize that I am also an alcoholic. I don't drink often, maybe three or four times a year, but I have a problem moderating my drinking, which results in blackouts. My mother and older sister are also alcoholics but I don't think they have admitted it to themselves, so there may be something to the theory that the disease is hereditary. My family knows about my drug use but none of them know how extensive and uncontrollable it is. I have spent a large portion of my life hiding my demons from everyone and have gotten quite proficient at itand I'm sure alot of people would be surprised to know what really has been going on in my life.

So far this experience with quitting has not thrown anything at me that I didn't expect. I've spent a great deal of time reading about addiction and how to take control of it, and that research has helped me immensely. My hope is that when the drugs have finally metabolized from my system, that the physical cravings will will lessen and I can start to deal with the psychological cravings and the triggers which have led to my using in the past. At this early stage I don't see a difference between the strength of mental and physical cravings, each are very strong and pervasive. It has taken every ounce of willpower that I possess to stick with it for these three days, and I know that this battle will continue for the rest of my life, but I also know the payoff is worth it. I want my two sons to know the real me rather than the distant drugged out me that i have been all their lives and I have to do it now before it's too late and they are faced with the same situation you have gone through with your father.

I wish you the best in your own personal journey.

Darren

[shanrucas]

I am so glad you have researched this and are proceeding on with it.. I admire your strength. I wish the best and I glad you are letting us know how you are doing. Keep on the quest, you've come this far.

Shannon

[labrador]

My stomach is all in knots this morning as I prepare to go to my new job. My mind keeps replaying all the things which caused me to lose my last job, one that was tailor made for me and I excelled at. There were factors that were out of my control as well as ones that I could but didn't control that resulted in the loss. I wish I had more time this morning to talk about this because I have alot of unhealthy feelings about the situation and I think that if I can talk about them a bit I may find some peace and be able to let it go.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Labrador,

I am not sure you will get this message in time before work. Even better than talking is taking some deep breaths, inhale and exhale slowly, repeat this several times, very slowly. Then just relax a few minutes. This can help reduce anxiety. Also, it is very normal to feel nervous, very nervous, before a new job. Whatever happened in the past is gone. All that matters is now.

Good luck and let us know how the first day went.

Allan

[labrador]

Thank you Allan. I've been using those deep breathing techniques to try to relax for the past two weeks, and it does help. The day at work went alright. Luckily I was busy enough to not allow my mind to slip into a dark area, but when I got home that reprieve was gone, and I felt worse about my job loss and all the things that led to it than I have before. I managed to push those thoughts aside by talking to my wife about unrelated stuff but when I went to bed, those thoughts and emotions rushed back, and sleep just didn't happen. Like I said before, my job loss was partly due to me and partly out of my control. One co-worker of mine did not accept me right from day one. He was a retired navy man who I think felt threatened by my drive and ability, and he was constantly making my work life miserable for me. It started with him taking credit for things I had done, and blaming me for his mistakes. When I transferred out of his department I thought it would be better but it wasn't. He physically assaulted me when I drew his attention to something that was happening regularily which shouldn't be. I asked him about it and when he denied that it was occuring I tried to show him that it was and he blew up in my office. With the benefit of hindsite, i should have dropped it right there but it's not in my nature to allow my work to suffer like that so I followed him back to his area and told him to grow up, that we had to figure out how to solve this problem. He responded by running at me and shoving me back. This was all recorded by surveillance cameras and witnessed by several other employees but when it made its way to management, I was reprimanded more than him. This tense relationship continued and I did everything I could to simply ignore him and do my job, but when he bull rushed me again a year later without any consequences, I gave up on him, and became very unhappy at work. I started to get visably upset at things that went against what I was expected to accomplish in my position and began demanding that management do something about it. In the end though, rather than improve the business, it cost me my job.

Now what is scaring me is the thoughts of revenge that fill my mind when I try to sleep. I see the things I would do so clearly and so vividly that I wonder if I might actually do them. I don't know how to get past this and I'm afraid that it will lead to something that I cannot control. I think in some way that its all related to my childhood, being assaulted and ignored by my dad, but I don't know what to do with that knowledge. Any suggestions?

[Lindamomof7]

Hi labrador Glad you made it through your first day.

I understand your feelings about your last job. It is that right is right, wrong is wrong feeling. I too have high expectations and expect others to be accountable for their actions and if not then they should be repremanded. So when they dont get repremanded it feels even worse for me to understand.

Unfortunately that accountability or lack of is everywhere in our lives. And for those of us who have some past history, this ability to cope in an unfair world is extremely difficult. Our need to be safe and taken care of when wronged is so strong. I struggle with that everyday from idiot drivers, friends or so called friends, family, work and social relationships.

At least I can understand where it is coming from but that feeling of being hurt all the time and not feeling safe and protected even at a job as an adult or friends who don't work out differences and then hurt us with words is coming from a long history of trauma.

I think though, we have the advantage in some strange way, we can see that others are so dysfunctional. The advantage we have is that we are seeking and asking for help so that we can better understand and handle those dysfuntional people and the relationships with ourselves being minimally hurt...

[randomperson]

Now what is scaring me is the thoughts of revenge that fill my mind when I try to sleep. I see the things I would do so clearly and so vividly that I wonder if I might actually do them. I don't know how to get past this and I'm afraid that it will lead to something that I cannot control. I think in some way that its all related to my childhood, being assaulted and ignored by my dad, but I don't know what to do with that knowledge. Any suggestions?

Might be when the guy pushed you it triggered some emotions from your childhood. My mother was abused while I was growing up. It effects you even when you are grown. For me certain things can trigger strong emotional reactions.

I think it is normal experiencing strong emotions from what you just went through. Maybe release the anger in a positive way refocusing on finding another position elsewhere. I had a job I was miserable at and got laid off and they hired someone else with 20 years experience in the field. ..at the time I was really upset. Looking back it was the best thing they could have done for me.. I hated the job was miserable, didn't like the people I worked with. I would be more depressed now if I still worked there.

I think years from now when you are in a place that treats you better you will feel the same. But right now I know that doesn't help much.

Something that helped me is to do a few small things each week that make you happy and let your family and friends help you through this tough time.

[labrador]

Hi randomperson. The thing is that although the situation made me miserable, I loved my job and was very very good at it. The contributions I made to the company were many and I definately left my mark there. Add to that a very lucrative profit-sharing program and pension that I have now lost, and you can maybe see why I am so upset by this.

I hear what you are saying Linda, and I'm sure in time i will find something that is as rewarding and fulfilling to me as this last job, but at this very moment I'm having one hell of a time forgiving and forgetting, because I know I initially put the effort out to make the situation better, and that effort wasn't reciprocated or even acknowledged.

I am currently doing an anger management course that I found online to help me deal with this type of situation if it ever occurs again, so I think I'm doing the right thing. I guess only time will tell.

[58corvette]

I guess I can relate a little bit. I lost a good school district job that i worked very hard at, worked my way up, made good money & pension.

This happened several yrs. back when a new Principal came in & made life miserable for me & I was reprimmended unjustly.

I was just finishing my child support at the time. So I ended up quitting, moving out of town (small community) & working in another state.

Now I am back near my children, without a job & my pension running out before I become homeless. I am trying my best not to be angry or scared of my future.

Right now I just cant see the light at the end of the tunnel. I do hope the very best for you.

[labrador]

Today is not a good day. I don't know if it's because this is day 7 without using, because I haven't slept through the night in the past 2 weeks, or because my new job does nothing to stimulate or fulfill me. All I know is today I'm feeling very agitated and short tempered. A large part of me wants to get high, if only to silence the constant screaming in my head, and although the rational part of me knows that is not the answer, I would not be surprised if i find myself at my dealer's house today. Man this is screwed up!

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Labrador

If your not sleeping I'm afraid you are setting yourself up for more problems and possibly failure and no matter how strong you try to be I think the physical withdrawal might be too much.

Like I said a few posts ago, I have been in the hospital many many times and in their is also people who are struggling with addiction. I'm no expert but my experience of literally sharing a long time with them as they withdraw I can see how difficult and painful it is.

In the hospital setting they are able to receive help 24 hrs a day to help them through some of the difficulties of withdrawing.

I hope you can get through this with your strong desire but please consider if things become too difficult that you will look into some type of treatment for yourself.

Hang in there

[58corvette]

I know my son who lives with me deals with these issues himself. I have seen him suffer from Withdrawels & Self De-Tox several times now over the past year & a half.

Linda has some good advice; I truly hope you are able to get into a Treatment program for yourself. I contacted the T.V Show "INTERVENTION" on A & E. Hoping to get help for my son's Addiction peoblem & my Mental Problems. Unfortunatly I have not heard back from them.

Best of Luck to you. I know you are trying. Please dont give up. Continue to write & seek help.

[labrador]

Here's something that made me laugh. Before I went to work I checked out where the AA meetings were held, like Allan had suggested. As it turns out, they are held in the church directly behind my dealer's house. Ain't that a kick in the ass? I've parked in that parking lot many many times and it looks like I may have to continue to do so. That will surely test my willpower I am thinking.

Linda, thank you for your continued support. I haven't ruled out professional help yet, it's just that I need to see if I can do this my way before I take that route. I'm kind of a control freak in many ways and seeking professional help before I've given this my total effort will do me more harm than good I'm afraid.

[shanrucas]

Hang in labrador, I wish you the best over the holidays, keep strong.

[labrador]

Thanx Shannon. Funny thing, I haven't really thought about Xmas until I read your post. Now I'm kind of curious as to how that is gonna turn out this year. Good news is that I made it through the work day and came home without visiting my dealer, so now it is officially 6 complete days being clean, ( Darren gives himself a pat on the back ).

Darren

[labrador]

I finally manage to get some sleep last night, although I cheated and took a sleep aid. I've been resisting taking that route because they too can become habit forming and I have an addictive personality, but I reached the point where my lack of sleep was getting critical and I had to stop it. Feeling a little better today, the issues are still there, but my mind is a little clearer and perhaps a little better equipped to handle them today.

[labrador]

I had a job interview yesterday at a business I think I would really enjoy working for and would be able to excell at. I don't think I did very well at it though. I was totally unprepared, having got the message at lunch and doing the interview immediately after I got off work, and that lack of preparation showed. I went home and was thoroughly disappointed in myself and became very depressed. My wife went out with her mother after supper and left me alone with these depressed feelings. One thing led to another and I found myself at my dealer's house once again. It felt good to be high, but later I was mad at myself because I had been clean for a complete week and now I have to start all over. I'm looking at this as just a slip because I know deep down that I want to be drug free, but maybe it is a sign that I need to seek outside help in this struggle, that the addiction is stronger than my resolve. I'm going to give it one more try on my own and if during this try I find myself heading down that same well worn path I will force myself to bring in professional help. I am proud of myself for being clean for a week. It is a major accomplishment that 6 months ago I wouldn't have believed possible, and it does give me some hope and also something to build upon. As for the interview, I plan on stopping in at the business at lunch and telling them that I just wasn't prepared enough to properly sell myself to them, and ask if it would be possible to have another meeting with them now that I've had a chance to get prepared. The way I look at it, it can't hurt, and the upside is that it may result in a career that i think will satisfy me and allow me to flourish. Removing the stress of doing a job that does nothing to fulfill or challenge me will definately help me in my battle with my addiction.

[Lindamomof7]

I am very proud of you too, labrador...

Yes, it was a slip, you realize the trigger and now can focus again on being strong and meet your goals.

I look forward to hearing how you are doing this next week... And good luck with the job, your pereserverence will pay off!!!

[shanrucas]

Even though you slipped Im glad that you show the strength to press on and even recognize that if you cannot do it alone you will seek the support you need...what you are doing is not easy, hang on.

We are here for you,((hug)) keep us posted.

Shannon

[labrador]

Where I'm working right now, I work with another guy and we alternate duties throughout the day. I have anger management issues, something I've only recently admitted and began to understand. Working with this guy is helping me understand those issues better as he has very evident anger management problems, to the point where he loses control and screams and hits things when he gets frustrated. I was watching him yesterday, after he tripped the emergency switch on the forklift for the third time. His reaction was intense! Watching him made me think about my own issues and how I react to frustrating situations. I don't get physical when I get angry, but I do get verbal. This usually comes out in the form of putting other people down for their lack of competency, or whatever other shortcomings I perceive them to have. This is a major problem in my life and it affects every relationship I have ever had or try to have, and I realize that it is something I need to continue to work on in order to get my life where I want it to be. Also in this workplace, there are four guys who get together in one guy's truck before work and at lunch and smoke weed. When i first noticed this, it made me think about using, but yesterday for some reason I saw it differently. Instead of thinking how much I would like to be high, I thought of how much I don't want to be like them. A breakthrough perhaps? Who would have thought that a dead-end job would provide me with real life examples of the me I want to leave behind? You definately see things in a different light when you see others doing the same things you wish you yourself weren't doing, and I think it gives you added strength and conviction to make the changes that are necessary.

[Lindamomof7]

Thats an awesome breakthrough for you, Labrador.

It is in the awareness, understanding and processing that we can learn and start to fit the little pieces of our puzzle together. Recognising all of this will surely help you keep your strength and continue on in your journey.

We are all in our own journeys and it can be difficult and sometimes feel like we are slipping but I think each time we learn a little bit more about oursleves, our friends, and people in general. What we do with that is up to us... Keep up the good work labrador...

[labrador]

Yesterday, while my wife and I were out grocery shopping, I ran into the financial officer of my old employer, someone I took directives from in my old position, and someone who I had a pretty good working relationship with. I've been nervous about meeting up with someone from work but surprisingly I handled it quite well. We talked about the upcoming Grey Cup football game, and what was going on with the two newest aquisitions to the company's line of stores. I waited for the severe depression to set in after we got home but for some reason it didn't. I did think about my job and how I lost it, but those thoughts didn't crush me like they have been doing for the past three weeks. Maybe the clarity of thought brought on by the lack of drugs in my system is allowing me to process my thoughts and emotions in a more healthy manner? I don't know. Whatever it is, I feel more in control of myself than I have in a long long time, and it feels good, and gives me hope that one day I will be able to put all the crap i've been through in my life behind me for good. I know i'm not there yet because suicidal thoughts were racing through my head on Saturday, making it impossible for me to leave the house the whole day and I still don't know how to rid my head of those thoughts, but I'm cautiously optimistic. Two steps forward and one step back is still progress right?

[Lindamomof7]

Absolutely it is progress Labrador. Good for you to be cautiousely aware of what might happen to you after you saw your old coworker. And nothing happened, that is a really good sign....

Your knowledge and awareness is wonderful and I think that will help keep you progressing even if it is 2 steps forward 1 step back. At least its not 1 step forward and 2 steps back!!!

Those suicidal feelings I think come with the nature of the illnesses. I have seen so many people who have different varying levels of mental illness all say the same thing. I am one of them and it is really bothersome because sometimes they are there and sometimes they are not. So how does one keep it in check? I have no idea but I think the awareness, support and the diversions do help.